There are dozens of offshoots of Christianity: Catholicism, Protestantism, Greek Orthodoxy, Jesuit churches, Baptist churches, Latter-Day Saints, Eastern Orthodoxy, Evangelism (Born-Again churches), Mormonism, Branch-Davidian churches, Methodist churches, ad infinitum. These are all separate churches (schools of thought) dealing with the same faith; the same holy book - that book being the Bible.

Now, you'd think that - if the Holy Bible is the true and infallible word of God - there could be no separatism within Christianity. And yet there is. These bodies all interpret the Bible in different ways - interpret being the key word. They twist the words (and cherry-pick certain passages) to justify their own means. To twist the words of the supposedly one and only deity must take a hell of a lot of faith for a Christian!

The New Testament was finished in around 200 AD - 167 years after the death of Christ. You think that leaves a lot of time for these folks to fill in the gaps and twist certain details? Christ was a brilliant baker and he had a keen taste for wine. No, wait! Let's just say he is made of bread and wine. Yeah! The Eucharist, motherfucker! Christ walked upon the water of a shallow puddle. No, wait! Let's just say he can walk on any body of water! Yeah! (Christ must make for a brilliant buoyancy aid - forget inflatable rings; throw me a Christ!)

The Old Testament was written in around the year 1500 BC. Moses was the champion of the Jews - he spoke to God through a burning bush on Mount Sinai - when no one was around - and received the Ten Commandments from Yahveh (along with a command to take his people to Judea). Next, along came Abraham who had a son: David. David went on all kinds of whacky adventures (such as killing a giant man called Goliath with a sling shot - doesn't that sound like something out of a Beano comic to you?) And Jesus was - supposedly - of the line of David. Now, the twelve apostles had - one can say - quite a lot of time to connect the dots. And yet they failed. The prophet of the line of David was meant to be born in Bethlehem, but he was in fact born in Nazareth. Doesn't that strike you as... well... not fitting in with the prophecy? Well, I can't be sure, but... LOOK AT THAT MASSIVE GLARING ERROR! LOOK AT IT! JESUS! IT'S LIKE A WELT ON YOUR FUCKING FOREHEAD! LOOK AT IT!

It also strikes me as odd that we meet Jesus as a newborn baby in Nazareth and then as an adult at the age of thirty. I'm guessing during his youth he sat around smoking pot and listening to Judas Priest and fiddling with his balls - something dull and unimportant like that.

Another of my niggles has to do with certain factual errors in the Bible. Firstly, I'll start at the beginning. Forget that God created the world in total darkness before creating light; forget about Eve being fashioned out of one of Adam's ribs; forget about the talking snake; forget about Jonah living inside the big fish (I'm guessing a tuna) for three days; forget that the world is - as of today - supposedly 6,013 years old; forget about Noah fulfilling the impossible task of fitting billions of members of each species onto a tiny boat; and forget the fact that God gives no mention of dinosaurs. What concerns me is the following: Adam and Eve committed the first original sin* by having children (so exercising their free will (which was awarded them by God) and angering their oh-so-precious, jealous God). Their children were Cain and Abel. Of course, Cain grew up to eventually kill Abel. They were banished by God from Eden and had to live in Nod - east of Eden. In the next chapter, we go on to hear about Cain's wife. 'Wait,' I hear you ask. 'Where did she come from?' Exactly. Eve conceived no female children. That detail was made up. You'd think that might be important, right? Apparently, God forgets things here and there. (Also, if she did have a female child, Cain and she would still be committing incest - an abomination in the face of the Lord.)

Defects in Christ's teachings and behaviours:

A lot of people think Christ was the best and wisest of men. They do this unthinkingly and with little or no knowledge of the subject. Yes, Christ said the meek shall inherit the Earth (when he comes back to kill all the non-believers and cast them into Hell like withering sticks), and he also said that we should turn the other cheek. One thing that's always misappropriated to Christ is the adage: "Do unto others that which you would wish to done unto yourself". That little nugget was in fact said by Confucius around 500 years before the birth of Christ.

I know the details quite roughly - being an infidel and all - but here's what I know. In the story of the Gadarene Swine, some people are being possessed by demons. Christ comes along and - pow! - he gets rid of the demons. But that's not the whole story. Instead of vanquishing the demons with his powers of omnipotence, he sends them into the bodies of pigs. The pigs proceed to run down a hill in madness into the Mediterranean sea and drown. Does that seem very moral to you?

Another one of my favourites is the parable of the fig tree. Christ comes across a fig tree that bears no fruit. In anger, he reduces the tree to ashes and expounds something along the lines of: 'Fig tree, on thee shalt ne'er groweth figs from herein' - give or take my poor attempt at Middle English. It's not the fig tree's fault that it bore no fruit. The fact is that, when Christ came upon the tree, it was not

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