The story begins with Adam and Eve wandering happily around the garden without a stitch of clothing, just like small children. In spite of their nakedness they unashamedly chat with the Big Daddy Yahweh whenever he chooses to visit. They are blissfully unaware of the difference between good and evil so they do not realize that nakedness is immoral. Like children, they don’t have any responsibilities. There is no need to work because the garden is full of food that can simply be plucked off trees. In other words, they live much like the apes of today.

Yahweh draws their attention to two of the trees in the Garden: the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He tells them that the first tree has very good fruit which will cause them live forever if they eat it regularly. He warns them against eating from the other tree and tells them that the fruit will kill them. In fact, he orders them not to eat the fruit from this tree. Since neither Adam nor Eve know the difference between right and wrong at this point they do not recognize that disobeying an order is a sin. All they hear is that they will die if they ate this particular fruit.

Then along comes an incredible walking talking snake. Since it is Yahweh’s day off from exhibiting his omnipresence the Walking Talking Snake is able to have a private conversation with Eve. He persuades Eve that the fruit is really quite safe to eat and that she will not die if she eats it. She has no way of knowing that it is wrong to lie so she believes the snake. She eats the fruit. The first revelation is that the snake was correct and that Yahweh had lied: she does not die. So she takes the fruit to Adam and says: “Yahweh lied. This fruit isn’t poisonous after all. Here, have some.” Adam says: “Lying? What is lying?” Eve says: “Never mind. You’ll find that out later. Here, try some of this. It’s just fine.”

So Adam eats the fruit, too. As the fruit begins to work its magic both of them realize that they have been going around the Garden without any clothes on and that this is a sin. In fact, they are horrified to discover that they have been sinning like crazy without knowing it. They immediately grab a couple of large fig leaves and cover up. That makes them feel a lot better.

Then along comes Yahweh, who has decided to be omnipresent again. He takes one look at the fig leaves and realizes that the game is up. His pet humans now know that he can lie. He throws a divinely righteous tantrum which looks just like the kind of thing immature human engage in. He chases Adam and Eve out of the Garden so that they can’t get to the Tree of Life anymore. This makes good on his threat of death as a consequence of gaining god-like knowledge of the difference between right and wrong so perhaps he wasn’t lying after all. What he said was just a polite way of saying: "If you eat that stuff and end up with knowledge like me, I’ll kill you.”

Acting out his jealous rage, he removes the snake’s voice and its ability to walk. Then he proceeds to make sure that Adam and Eve suffer for the rest of their lives, and their progeny along with them. Eve and her gender are condemned to experience pain on childbirth, at least until medical science, in its contrary compassion, removes this curse. Adam and his gender are condemned to working for a living, at least until men figure out a way to make women and slaves do it for them.

Adam and Eve learn what fear is and that it is unwise to provoke an authority figure who does not like to share power or knowledge.

Although they are genetically practically identical, the Original Pair have sex and produce a couple of children. These kids also have incestuous sex and have more children. And so the line continues until the fruit of moral knowledge reveals to them that incest is a sin.

Adam and Eve and their progeny spend the next centuries trying to appease this angry, vengeful, spiteful character. They present him with gifts from their toil but soon learn that Yahweh is not a vegetarian and is not interested in gifts which did not feel pain on being gathered. Instead, he prefers the smell of burning flesh from animals which have been made to suffer cruelly while they are killed.

Finally, Yahweh rapes a Jewish girl who provides genes which help produce the loving part of this Jekyll & Hyde dissociated identity. This child grows up and rebels against the horrific and fearsome nature of his dad and a whole new story unfolds.

Eventually his dad gets mad and lets him be tortured and killed by the local conquerors, with a little bit of help from some of his Jewish supporters. He turfs him into Hell

Things didn’t quite go the way he expected. His dead son gets out of Hell after a few days and is resurrected like the Greek gods before him. Then he persuades a Jewish cleric and several of his former disciples to proclaim him as the divinity of everyone other than a select few of Yahweh’s Chosen People. .

Finally Yahweh managed to reverse that disaster by sending one of his ethereal lackeys to Mohammed to dictate some first hand divine text. He managed to get his son demoted, at least in the eyes of those who now called him Allah, to the level of slightly heretical Prophet.

The rest is history.

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Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on March 27, 2009 at 12:07am
Interesting, isn't it? The first thing the infusion of divine morality was alleged to have done was to give humans a hang up about the bodies made in the image of Yahweh (or was it El?). Do you think Yahweh goes about naked?
Comment by Richard Goscicki on March 26, 2009 at 10:35pm
Rosemary, thanks for posting this enlightening story. "They are blissfully unaware of the difference between good and evil so they do not realize that nakedness is immoral." I have a lot of friends up in Paradise-Lakes nudist resort that didn't realize this.

I'm going to take a ride up to Tampa tomorrow and tell everybody about this sad devine injunction. I hope they take it well, because they had no idea. Will Yahweh still be mad?

I wouldn't be surprised if they call Him a party-pooper. Is that what God is after all, nothing more than a party-pooper?
Comment by Sentient Biped on March 26, 2009 at 8:22pm
I didn't know that nakedness was immoral. I thought that it just wasn't practical. It's not just a matter of legal issues. After all, talking on the cell phone while driving is also illegal, but it's not considered immoral (I think).

Thanks, Rosemary, for summarizing the loss of innocence and history of the Bible so succinctly. Now maybe we should make it into little pamphlets and leave them on people's door, like the Jehovah Witnesses do

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