This is a translation from an original post I made in Spanish. There's more talk about this issue in the hispanic blogs, perhaps due to the increased catholic presence. I guess some probably have not heard about this.

You won't believe this one.

There's many questions that go unanswered in the catholic catechism. How did all the animals fit in the ark? Did Adam have a bellybutton? Do you really expect us to believe this shit? There are other questions, however, which we only even think of asking until much later. Disturbing questions, with pretty unpleasant consequences. Such as, Was Jesus circumcised?

Well, being a jewish male baby, the most likely answer is yes, he would have been circumcised eight days after his birth, according to the mosaic law. Some of the apocryphal gospels even describe the event. For now let's take the church's word for it and go with 'yes'. This brings other interesting questions.

We are told that Jesus ascended corporeally, all of his flesh going up to heaven. But was the Holy Penis intact? The first theological dissertations (dissertations in plural, theologians have lots of free time) claimed that the Holy Foreskin had also ascended on its own, so that Jesus would be... well, complete. Greek theologian Leo Allatius postulated that the Holy Piece of Dick had ascended but not to join the Holy Penis, as this had grown while the foreskin had not. Instead of joining Our Savior's Manmeat, it placed itself around Uranus, forming this planet's rings. This should give us an idea of how well-endowed was our favorite Nazarene.

The Holy Catholic Church, who won't stand for such bullshit, discarded this theory and instead established that the Holy Sheath had remained on earth, giving birth to a furious relic hunt. More than one order of nuns claimed to be in possession of a piece of our Lord, redefining the term 'brides of Christ'. Others were a bit more jealous of their relationship with the Messiah. Saint Catharine of Siena, better known as the inventor of bulimia, bragged about being actually married to Jesus. There even was a wedding, she said, a very private ceremony, with only close friends and family. It was presided by Ywhw himself and, instead of a golden ring, Jesus placed his own foreskin in Catherine's finger.


But even Saint Catherine could not presume of having a unique relationship with Our Savior. Many other women have claimed being married to Jesus, probably causing trouble for him up there. Saint Agnes Blannbekin, from Vienna, went a bit further (from decency) and claimed that Ywhw had been feeding his own son's prepuce as a communion wafer. It seems that every time she took the communion, the bread in her mouth transformed into the flesh of the cock of our savior. I swear to Ywhw I'm not making this up. Agnes said the flavor was 'sweet' and she went into ecstasy every time she had it.

By the way, I should have mentioned this before, but if you had not been excommunicated before, you are now. In the year 1900, the Catholic church prescribed ex-communion to anyone who even discussed or participated in a discussion about the Holy Foreskin. They had realized how terribly silly it all was and decided to simply ignore all that they had previously proclaimed, probably fearing that comments such as this would show up later.

Views: 464

Tags: catholicism, foreskin, holy, theology

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Comment by Jim DePaulo on July 16, 2009 at 12:31pm
Another story of pecker snipping is that of the founder, Abraham.
Gen 17:24 And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised.... ... 99 years old??... Yikes!!
Comment by A Former Member on July 15, 2009 at 3:33pm
Vanderol, In the book there are lots of naked baby Jesus', and a lot with "before" and "after" pictures. The after pics are really the before pics though, meaning that there was a lot of nudity in the earlier paintings, and Christian revisionists went back later on and painted cloths over the nudity. Later on, restorationists removed the layer added years later.
Comment by vandrerol on July 15, 2009 at 3:19pm
;) Anytime, Méabh.
By the way, Gaytheist's book seems very interesting. I'm going to keep an eye out for that from now on. Most crucifixes I've seen have the classical loincloth Jesus. I haven't found one of naked Jesus or erection Jesus yet, but then I can't say I've been looking around too hard.
Comment by Little Name Atheist on July 15, 2009 at 2:42pm
I guess since I've just been excommunicated (THANKS vandrerol!), I might as well mention that "The Lives of the Saints" is a primer for sado-masochism and fetishists. I'll have to look up St. Catherine of Siena and St. Agnes Blannbekin for tips.
Comment by Sentient Biped on July 14, 2009 at 9:40pm
Vandrerol,
Is there no end to the silliness of the Catholic church? There is a nice wikipedia article here regarding the holy foreskin. Also, a hilarious Slate article here, "Who Stole Jesus Foreskin?" There conclusion is "But if it had survived, it would have been only a matter of time before someone wanted to clone it. And that could have given the Second Coming an entirely new meaning."

Thanks for an interesting topic and discussion. It's an example of the enlightenment that comes from reading posts on A|N.
Comment by A Former Member on July 14, 2009 at 10:55am


Who'd a thunk it? You might be interested in this book: The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion.

Notice how in the image above Mary's fingers direct the viewer's attention directly to baby Jeebus' penis.
Comment by vandrerol on July 14, 2009 at 10:29am
Heh, I can't really take credit. The church has a lot of good material.

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