Starting today I will petition Congress to ban sexual intercourse of any type unless for the express purpose of procreation. Oral, anal or anything but missionary style sex with the male dominant will be punishable by torture and maiming. Any enjoyment, pleasure or fun while procreating will be expressly forbidden as will rousing climaxes or especially pleasing release.
Henceforth use of prophylactics and all forms of birth control including early withdrawal or swallowing are punishable by a day in stocks. Further ignoring of the law will result in dousing or a visit with the iron maiden (not the band). Any cuddling, spooning or interdigitation will be seen as a capitol offense punishable with labor on a chain gang.
Any woman enticing a man into a sexual crime he otherwise would not commit shall be burned at the stake. Any woman initiating sexual contact will suffer the cat o' nine tails for at least 10 lashes to be delivered by a Protestant preacher. Women revealing cleavage will be shot. Movie houses showing nudity in any form will be burned to the ground along with the attending audience.
Women will be required to have at least four children, cook all meals, clean house and make themselves available for sex at anytime. Divorce is hereby outlawed. Pummeling, fisticuffs, punching, kicking, rape are not grounds for divorce but a male right. Any woman having sex without the benefit of marriage will be killed. Abortionists and aborters will be drawn and quartered.
All unmarried females are required to take a pledge of abstinence by which they must abide until married or dead, which ever comes first. The sole exception to this rule are good looking female teachers that decide to take some disillusioned youth under their wings to show him the ways of the world.
Abusing oneself or masturbation will be punished by removal of the offending part. Watching pornographic movies requires the eyes to be burned out with a red hot poker. Unless breast feeding women are required to wear aluminum nipple caps and be fitted for a chastity belt if her husband should be away on business.
Men that fall short of perfection will be forgiven by participating in a brawl, duel, war or some other sport. Male adulterers must be forgiven on the flimsiest excuse regardless on the number of times it happens. Women committing the same offense will be locked in stocks and stoned.
Any agency, organization or assembly offering sexual counseling, information regarding HPV vaccine, HIV or STDs of any type will be burned and all members, patients or interested parties will be stoned.
It will also be considered egregious and felonious to provide financial assistance to any unmarried women or her children with penalties including stoning, beating or tar and feathers.
Anything omitted in this document that excites, pleasures or raises sexual response will be considered an offense though not covered by these rules as ignorance of community standards is no excuse. Disgusting, loathsome things such as the human body, including displays of sexual attraction will be considered offensive and dealt with accordingly by having ones eyes put out or burning away the offending flesh.
Any addendum, codicil or rider to these laws will be published through the town crier at dawn, noon and evening.
Purity must be legislated otherwise humanity will fritter itself away in wlaves of sexual fulfillment and pagan debauchery. God fearing, conservative, enemies of the flesh will stand in judgement of those deemed unworthy of knowledge, freedom or even having their guns polished.
These laws are consistent with the United States Constitution, which was founded on Biblical rule in the name of the creator and master of the universe.
The Pope of Greenwich Village, February, 2011