Why do I read and write about atheism every day? Why do I love to find and collect bible verses that demonstrate that the character God is a sadistic, murdering, baby killing, slave promoting, misogynic, and jealous jerk? Why do I spend hours every day on the computer reading and posting atheistic content, much to the chagrin of my wife and consternation of my non-atheist Face book friends? I think it is because I am still unconsciously afraid of Hell.
I do not consciously believe in Hell, but I must still be unconsciously shivering in my boots about Hell; otherwise I would not need, want, and love to devour antitheist readings. It is my passion. It is my drug.
I compare myself to a rocket trying to get out of the powerful gravitational pull of the planet religion. Every time I feel I have reached an easy cruising orbit, I feel like I am falling back down and I need another rocket boost of heretic heathen literature. When will I ever be in orbit, just cruising?
Although I have been an atheist since 1977, I have only had my boosters on for about 6 months. For 33 years, I have been flying around in an airplane at low altitude. I have read from other Ex-Christians that it can take a few years of deprogramming to eliminate the haunting doubts of my fear based childhood brainwashing.
In a way, I am enjoying this attempt at getting into a comfortable atheist orbit, because atheism is something about which I feel passionate and I have not experienced such an intellectual stimulation on one topic for this long. Part of me wants to continue firing my booster rockets, but without the Christian thoughts that haunt me.