I have no one right now to talk to. No one at all. So for now, I suppose a cruddy blog will have to do. But I can't hold back any more because I feel like my emotional state is just spiraling out of control over something that happened to me a few weeks before Thanksgiving that drudged up a lot of very deep old wounds. It wasn't even something bad, rather, it had the potential to be something good. But because I have a lot of issues with forming bonds with people due to my past experiences with both sexual and emotional abuse (I have severe trust, guilt, and negative self esteem problems), this experience just brought all these horrible negative feelings to the surface and I feel horrible.
The catalyst to all this was something so benign that most average people would ponder what the heck is wrong with me to cause me to behave this way. All I did was go for a burrito at a local Chiptole restaurant. Normally nothing that thrilling. There was a family ahead of me, and I was too preoccupied with staring at the menu trying to figure out what I wanted that I didn't pay attention to much of anything else. After preparing the other people's orders, he asks me what I wanted. The second our eyes locked I felt instantaneous attraction. Something I have never in my life felt before so it was very very overwhelming to me. Even better, I could tell he was interested too (not just in making my burrito because he forgot my order). Naturally he has to work though and can't chat. So I grab my food, pay, and I'm out the door.
By the time I had got into my car, my hands were shaking and immediately I started thinking horrible thoughts about myself. Why would he be attracted to me of all people? The fat, ugly, nerdy looking chick? All of my past experiences of rejection and non perfection and self hatred just exploded and I almost broke down in my car. I had the worst PTSD experience of my life. Beyond that point all I did was make up irrational thoughts about how it wouldn't work. He looked much younger than I did. He probably would freak out if he knew I was an atheist (I live in Colorado Springs - a hotbed of right wingers and religious nuts). The list goes on and on.
I failed to give him my number that day. Why? I didn't want to bother him while he was working. So. Lame. So. f-u-c-k-i-n-g. Lame. I want to go back in there and give it to him. But weeks have drifted by, and I've convinced myself that I'm not a worthy person and he deserves better.
Each time I go in there now, I feel like I'm wasting my time because I'll never have the courage to do one measly thing like scrawl my number down on paper and timidly hand it over to another person. So there I stand on the shoreline, staring off as the boat sails into the distant horizon. All I can do at that point is sit down, bury my face in my hands, and feel like I just missed out on something that could have been good. But because I'm a failure, because I am a screw up and cannot do a single thing right, I missed the chance.
I've tried so hard over the years to bury all the horrible things I feel about myself. I've tried to forget the hurtful remarks made to me by my mother; that my skin looks terrible or that I was still too fat even though I was at my skinniest at the time. I tried my best to be as perfect as possible because my parent's expected it, and now, if I'm not perfect I let myself down. Logically, I know that perfection is unobtainable. But emotionally I feel that if I don't meet some crazy standard then I don't see any value in myself. I've tried to move on and do what I can to just enjoy life as much as possible. But the I older get, I see all these couples I cannot help but feel I'm missing out on experiencing something wonderful with another human being. I want to be able to share this life with someone else. Not just to do fun things with and travel with, but someone I can seriously open up to and not feel like I need to guard my emotions against. I need to be able to trust someone else with my feelings, my deeper struggles, and have someone who can would support me rather than judge me or make cutting remarks. It's extremely difficult to do when all you've known in your upbringing was to keep your mouth because talking about what you feel yields fighting, punishment, and guilt tripping (yes I do come from a heavy religious background and both my parents were very good at doing these things).
I'm just so tired of being alone. I want to be able to walk through my front door after work and hug and kiss a man and be able to swap stories about things that happened to us that day. I want to fire up the Xbox or PS3 and play a round of games with them or go on adventures and explore new places. I want to be able to cuddle with someone and have pillow talk after sex. Speaking of, I haven't even had sex yet. I feel like a Vestal Virgin who pledged herself to utterly nothing. Just mindless, unending self hate.
I just hate me. I hate how fucked up I am. I hate that I have not been able to undo all this self loathing that has been clinging to me all these years and that no matter what I don't believe that as a human being I have any worth. That all the worth I have is what I do. Not who I am as a person.
Well thanks blog for listening. I suppose now, after going through almost a half a box of Kleenex, things will just resume as normal. In all it's sordid, self critical way.