I'm a bit hungry, but I can write this out...   So, I've been noticing lately that I have become that sterotype that is dangled over the head of every newborn christian: the angry atheist. I've tried…

I'm a bit hungry, but I can write this out...

 

So, I've been noticing lately that I have become that sterotype that is dangled over the head of every newborn christian: the angry atheist. I've tried to count to 10, breathe deeply, and just relax...

 

But I still want to smash someone's skull in. I'll explain.

 

The boyfriend's grandmother on his mom's side is what one would call "Jan Crouch". The only difference between them is that her husband isn't that rich, doesn't have daliances with men, and actually tries to be a good man. Oh, and jan crouch can actually look like she feels the pain of others.

 

I am convinced the only pain this woman feels is the irritation when things do not go her way.

 

That being said, she's been wanting to "offer prayers" for D's dad. What she really means is that she is going to have the church pray for him and feel sorry for her. She did this when he going through cancer three times. It was all about how awful she felt..etc etc..

 

Not about the fact her grandchild could die at any given moment because he was just so fragile. No, her discomfort about the situation is the thing.

 

And I honestly just want to slap her. Like go to town and just hysterical slap her. But that won't help anyone. But I can't stand a person who would take someone else's pain and literally turn it into a "I am suffering for the lord, look how great of a christian I am" bullshit. It sickens me. It disgusts me.

 

It reminds me of how I used to be at my worst. And I can only imagine the twisted thoughts in her head(imagine...cause she isn't me).

 

And I think the reason why I'm just so angry, is that the simpering, bowing person(s) out there remind me of how I used to be. Granted, I wouldn't have carried the "God hates Fags" sign, but I did believe for a while that Gays were broken and tried to put it under "we're all broken!".

 

I guess the difference(the only difference) between me at my worst and his grandmother, is the sad fact that I thought I was helping. That I was being a soldier of God. *facedesk* It's hard to see that side, or sides of yourself. One side all delusional, the other one filled with pride...it's a hard pill to swallow.

 

And seeing it in others, it just makes it all the worse. Cause for some, they really really think it's the right thing. But the others, they literally use it as a way to billy club others.

 

And here I am, seeing all this, and getting angry. And sad. And wondering how I could actually have people hear my story, and be like "hey, maybe I should be a little bit more moderate" or what have you. But I guess that's the folly of pride. It makes you think you actually have something to say. Which, I do think I do...ya know? But I dunno.

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Comment by Monica S. on March 10, 2011 at 4:42pm
*nod* indeed...but yeah..I focus on those too..I just was really pissed today lol.
Comment by Jedi Wanderer on March 10, 2011 at 4:20pm
the suffering *of others* in general
Comment by Jedi Wanderer on March 10, 2011 at 4:19pm
Hah, your story reminds me of the saying that (well I'm going to have to look up the real quote after I mess this one up) the most ardent enforcer of justice is the reformed criminal. The psychology makes a lot of sense: the person who has known most deeply and truly the horribleness of a particular action would naturally be the one to resist the same in others. I would only suggest that you try to take a look at the greater picture and focus on the greater injustices. I am one to talk (sarcastically said), I take all of my hurt and pain at the injustices done to me and look ever higher, towards philosophy and politics and the grand questions and see what can really be done about "it all". Its still personal to me, but at least I'm not focused on myself, but rather the suffering in general. Don't know if that helps!

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