There is a song out there called My Body is a Cage. I can’t recall who wrote it but as far as performing the song goes Peter Gabriel’s version is what I find myself listening to most often.

For me my body has become a cage. One I’ve been trying to escape from for a while. Progress is slow then it seems things take a turn and go back downhill. In my fight to fix myself I have a lot going against me in that my lungs don’t function very well. This doesn’t mean I give up. I just have to go at a slow pace when I am at the gym and watch my breathing.

Sadly the last few years have seen major setbacks for me in the way of injuries and other issues. Using just the last two years in early 2013 I had wisdom tooth issues that lead to me having Tetanus. My jaw was locked shut for months, as was my neck was locked in place because of the muscle spasms that never end. It is very painful and on top of that pain there was another oral infection because of the wisdom tooth. After four months of pills and check ups I was able to have to tooth removed and was able to eat and sleep again.

Sadly it wouldn’t take long for the next issue to pop up. Just a month after at the start of summer my knee gave out while I was taking a step in to the house. I fell backwards and dislocated a couple of ribs. My doctor tried to pop things back in but they just didn’t want to work with her. So that was another couple of months off.

Summer ends and fall begins, I have been pain for two months when I get sick and end up with a cough that won't go away till after the start of the new year. The kind of cough where you cough so much trying to get the cause of it up and it just wont move that you vomit. But it goes away.

It’s 2014 and things have been going better for three months. Sadly I get some news at this time during a talk with someone that causes me the most pain I may have ever felt. I learned during this time that when people say a person died of a broken heart it isn’t just some sappy bullshit people say. It is a real thing. Broken heart syndrome or it’s medical name Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. It is often diagnosed as a heart attack. Because it’s symptoms and test results such as blood work come up the same as if you had a heart attack. The difference is there is no blockage in the heart. My heart enlarged and two of my heart valves collapsed. Needless to say I was on bed rest for a while.

This brings us to about a two weeks ago. I pulled a couple of muscles in my mid section and was taking it easy. But that isn’t the issue. I also ended up with abdominal lymphedema due so some bacterial infection. In one week it put 50 pounds on me in my midsection. It has made it very hard for me to walk and even harder for me to breath. I was already suffering from depression before hand but this is really bringing me to the edge.

This isn’t the first time I have had this. But it has been almost 10 years and the last time it was in very different spot. Why I have typed this all out I don’t know, maybe to help me to put things into perspective with what I have been able to get done in the last two years even with all of my issues. Maybe just to get it all down in one place. Who knows. All I really know is that my body is a cage. It is my prison. I need a way out and if I could just have six months where I am injury free, I think I could escape it at last.

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Comment by Nick Walker on July 6, 2014 at 7:07pm
Here is hoping it gets better within a few months.
Comment by Sentient Biped on July 2, 2014 at 7:50pm

Nick,

My heart goes out to you.  It's hard to know what to say when we see this much difficulty.  I want to be able to tell you "It will get better".  And I sincerely hope it does.  But without being there, and knowing a lot more than I do, such words ring hollow.

The hard lesson you are learning, have learned, is that life can be tough.  In a quote attributed to Friedrich Nietzsche,  "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."   That truism gets said a lot, but the truth is more complicated.  Having survived struggle, having been through a trauma, does give a perspective that others don't have.  Having gone through struggle, I hope there is some benefit - such as empathy, or sympathy, or understanding.  One always hopes there is some kind of silver lining.  It might take a while to find it, but I hope you do.

Your body is not a prison, that you can be set free from.  Your body is you, and when your body heals, you will also heal.

Maybe some of that is helpful for you.  I hope so.   Please stay in touch on Nexus, and I hope you will find interest in the forum and other topic areas.  At the very least, these topics can give you a chance to connect to others, and have something to keep your mind busy

Daniel

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