No big deal really, my brother has his new girlfriend over to my parents house for lunch. Nothing that anyone even really gets excited about. But immediately I'm upset again because for the hundredth time I'm watching one of my siblings enjoy normal, inclusive treatment from our parents that I'm not given. For me, it's enough to cry over. It's enough to make me blow off lunch and go hungry instead. Part of me asks, should I be upset? Am I overreacting? But wouldn't anyone feel the same way?
When I have a girlfriend I'm expected not to talk about her and to keep her out of my parent's way. To bring her into my parents home for a friendly lunch would be impossible. They would probably want to throw up if they saw the butch women I date.
On the one occasion, years ago, that I told my parents how it makes me feel when my brother's girl or my sister's guy are accepted and eagerly welcomed into the home. They looked at me puzzled and asked why. Because I'll never have that. Because nobody I'm with will ever be treated decently much less invited to dinner. My dad stared blankly at the floor and my mother gave a short, disgusted laugh. I felt their hatred for what I am like a bonfire in the room.
My parents love me but it would be incredible to feel what its like to be loved completely, for everything that I am.

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Comment by Creature on January 31, 2009 at 2:28pm
What I wouldn't give for my estranged brother to want to be a part of our family. I really wish people that refuse to accept their gay children for who they are could understand what they have to lose. My brother chooses to spend his leave time with his in-laws rather than us because he can not stand my step-mother's religiosity. We've seen him 4 times in the past ten years.
Maybe it's going to take you settling down with a lady whose family you both feel welcome around for your parents to get the idea. Maybe if there comes a day when you don't come around so much they'll realize what they've done. I hope that one day things change for the better, but most importantly I hope that you surround yourself with people that love you without judgment.
Comment by Timothy on January 31, 2009 at 11:39am
i also share your pain. as the son of a fundamentalist protestant christian minister who claims literalism in one instance and proverbialism/figurativism in another with regard to interpreting the book people refer to as the "Holy Bible", i have given up trying to have a relationship with him or my mother or my sister and her four children and second husband. (i'm gay.) i have a chosen family and they are supportive and loving and would help me out if i ever needed it for whatever reason. BUT, i try really hard not to use any quality of my integrated self (gay, non-believer, political activist) as an excuse to complain or protest that situation. it is what it is. they are who they are. the coldness of removing yourself from a family like that is replaced with the warmth of communities such as these...hang in there. after a while you must choose to keep banging your head against the walls of their social construct or liberate yourself and join the rest of us in the open fields of civil liberty and free-thought.
Comment by Luke on January 31, 2009 at 7:21am
Krista
I'm sorry to hear of your pain in this and very pleased to hear that you haven't given into the hatefull intollerance that Christianity gifted your parents. On the bright side, you're here now where it's safe to be you.
Luke
Comment by Фелч Гроган on January 30, 2009 at 11:35pm
Krista,

I can sympathise totally, as can my brother. We know this feeling all too well. The only advice is to give it time. Sooner or later, they will accept it, unless your surname happens to be Phelps.
Comment by Deborah on January 30, 2009 at 10:49pm
I'm so sorry, too. Speaking as a mom, I just can't imagine not accepting my child for what he is. I hope you find some comfort and support from the posts here. You have every right to be upset, but try not to let it make you bitter. Best of luck to you.
Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on January 30, 2009 at 9:30pm
Krista, I cry for you. Social pain hurts like hell.

I hope Zeeman is right.
Comment by Clarence Dember on January 30, 2009 at 9:20pm
Hi Krista.
I feel your pain.
You have a high standard of expectation for the magnonimity of relatives.
It takes an exceptional person in posession of social grace to come up out of their insular comfort level enough to be there for significant others and family members.
People are not magnanimous or gratious in their dealings with even the closest relations.
It's puzzleing but many of us are let down by our own families when they see our choice of partners. It's a sad thing.
Comment by sunshinegirlie on January 30, 2009 at 7:55pm
Whoa, sorry for the typos. It's passed my bedtime. ;)
Comment by sunshinegirlie on January 30, 2009 at 7:54pm
This makes meso sad for you. So many parents lose their children young and would do anything to get them back...gay, straight, whatever. It's sad that they can reject you so easily. "it would be incredible to feel what its like to be loved completely, for everything that I am." I feel the same way. I'm in closet to my parents with my atheism. They would not accept nor remain quiet about this part of me. Religion tears more people apart than it brings together. They are missing out on knowing their daughter. It's their lose. I wish you happiness regardless of how your parents feel.
Comment by zeeman barzell on January 30, 2009 at 7:00pm
Ahh. Christianity. It’s so loving and inclusive. Golly-gee. Religion really brings people together, etc….

I feel sorry for your parents.

Someday you will find a great woman who has a fantastically accepting family and you’re going to feel more comfortable spending time with them instead of your own family. Your parents are going to deprive themselves of the healthy, lifelong relationship with you and your partner.

But I guess that doesn’t matter because they have tickets to HEAVEN!!!!

Sorry Krista.

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