I’m not sure that the bible, or any religious book for that matter, should be rewritten; however, I do have some questions for those who interpret it to be “THE WORD.” You can’t rewrite Huck Finn because of the “N” word, but we all know that the “N” word is not a word that can be thrown around in common discussion. So, no, I don’t think any of the religious texts need to be rewritten. The fundamentalists that read them just need to take off the blinders. But, OK, if I am supposed to read the Bible, for instance, exactly how it is written then I just have a few questions…

When I burn something on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord (Leviticus 1:9). My neighbors tend to disagree. They claim it smells like shit. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell (if and when I have one) my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned by Exodus 21:7. In this day and age what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15: 19-24). The thing is—I can never be too sure. I always have my inclinations, but when I ask I usually get slapped in the face. What up wit dat?

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves (men and women) provided that they are purchased from neighboring nations. My buddy says this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. How should I kill him?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you help us settle this?

Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I must admit that I wear glasses or contacts on a daily basis. Will I need my prescription in hell?

Most of my male friends get their hair cut, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. Should I kill them all at once or one by one? All at once would be better—I do have to get to church you know.

This isn't all completely original, but most of it is. Nevertheless, they pose some great conversation starters when you get an unexpected knock on your door on Saturday mornings. All in all, the question must be asked—if you’re going to be a fundamentalist asshole then shouldn’t you really rethink what the bible tells you to do?

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Comment by Matt VDB on October 18, 2010 at 2:11pm
Oh, no problem then. Too bad this place doesn't have smileyfaces huh? :P
Comment by Brian J Geisler on October 18, 2010 at 10:02am
While most of my blogs are to be taken seriously...this one is more of a joke, don't get your underpants in a wad Matt...and don't assume I don't know what I'm critiquing. Regardless, thanks for the feedback. It's always duly noted :-)
Comment by Matt VDB on October 17, 2010 at 12:32pm
Yep, which is why I usually avoid going down that path altogether. It doesn't go anywhere.
Comment by Pat on October 17, 2010 at 11:14am
Matt saysActually, most Christians will simply fire back that this is the Old Law which has been replaced by Jesus' New Law, so the OT does not apply anymore in terms of law. And, he's right.

Then, you can fire back with the New Testament - Matthew 5:17-19 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy , but to fulfil . For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass , one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled . Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

And, they'll shoot back with some other Bible verse, and it becomes a verbal argument about which superstitious bullshit quotes from the Big Book of Jewish and Christian Fairy Tales one is going to follow.

Kind of like arguing about how many trolls actually lived under the bridge that were going to get the billy goats gruff. Glenn's right. Simple and straight forward answer is, "Your god doesn't exist, and your fairy tale book has all the authoritative realty about magical beings as Mother Goose."
Comment by Matt VDB on October 17, 2010 at 10:32am
To me? It doesn't matter to me either way considering I don't subscribe to either. I'm just pointing out that any Christian would laugh at these "questions" and grin at the ignorance of 'them silly atheists'.
If you're going to ask pointy questions and engage Christian in argument you might as well know what it is they actually believe.
Comment by Glen Rosenberg on October 17, 2010 at 10:02am
Old or new, why does it matter to you?
Comment by Matt VDB on October 17, 2010 at 8:27am
Actually, most Christians will simply fire back that this is the Old Law which has been replaced by Jesus' New Law, so the OT does not apply anymore in terms of law. Which renders your criticisms futile.

It helps to know what you're critiquing ;)
Comment by Glen Rosenberg on October 15, 2010 at 11:33pm
Brian, at least the fundamentalists have the facade of integrity. How are you going to buy into the holy book and believe it is a metaphor or not to be understood on a literal basis? You can use their text against them in myriad variations to highlight their insanity. The other guys will say that the lord works in mysterious ways. Why not counter that chestnut with "your brain works in mysterious ways. Your god does not exist."

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