I’m not sure that the bible, or any religious book for that matter, should be rewritten; however, I do have some questions for those who interpret it to be “THE WORD.” You can’t rewrite Huck Finn because of the “N” word, but we all know that the “N” word is not a word that can be thrown around in common discussion. So, no, I don’t think any of the religious texts need to be rewritten. The fundamentalists that read them just need to take off the blinders. But, OK, if I am supposed to read the Bible, for instance, exactly how it is written then I just have a few questions…
When I burn something on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord (Leviticus 1:9). My neighbors tend to disagree. They claim it smells like shit. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell (if and when I have one) my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned by Exodus 21:7. In this day and age what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15: 19-24). The thing is—I can never be too sure. I always have my inclinations, but when I ask I usually get slapped in the face. What up wit dat?
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves (men and women) provided that they are purchased from neighboring nations. My buddy says this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. How should I kill him?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you help us settle this?
Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I must admit that I wear glasses or contacts on a daily basis. Will I need my prescription in hell?
Most of my male friends get their hair cut, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. Should I kill them all at once or one by one? All at once would be better—I do have to get to church you know.
This isn't all completely original, but most of it is. Nevertheless, they pose some great conversation starters when you get an unexpected knock on your door on Saturday mornings. All in all, the question must be asked—if you’re going to be a fundamentalist asshole then shouldn’t you really rethink what the bible tells you to do?