Lay on me some funny jokes you got or have heard- I'll start!

 

 

A man has just gotten into the shower as his wife is stepping out of the shower- the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs to open the door. When she opens the door Bob, the next door neighbor, stands staring at her body.

 

Before she says a word, Bob immediately says "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks "Who was that?"

 

She replies "It was Bob." 

"Great!" the husband exclaims,  "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

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Comment by Pat on August 12, 2011 at 8:35am
God, Jesus, and Moses are playing golf. Jesus steps up to the tee, and drives a great shot straight down the fairway. Moses is next, and hits it almost perfectly. His ball lands next to Jesus’ shot. God is next, smacks a hook, and watches as his ball lands in the rough.

Just as God’s ball hits the ground, a squirrel grabs it and starts running across the fairway. When it gets to the middle of the fairway, a hawk swoops out the sky and grabs the squirrel, who’s still holding the ball. As the hawk flies over the green, lightning strikes the hawk, causing it to drop the squirrel, who in turn, drops the ball, which goes straight into the cup for a hole-in-one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Dammit! Tell you old man to quit screwing around. We’re playing for money.”
Comment by Rob van Senten on August 12, 2011 at 8:16am

Little Timmy is asked in class by the teacher, "Tell us, Timmy. What is economics?" Unfortunately Timmy doesn't know so he can't answer the question. "No problem" says the teacher just ask your parents and explain it to the whole classroom tomorrow. 

Timmy goes home and asks his father "Daddy, daddy, what is economics?" "Well" says his father "Economics is how the world works, just like it is at home, I bring the money to our home so I'm capital, your mother is the government because she runs the household, Maria the maid is the workforce since she is working for us. You are the youth and your little brother is the future."

Timmy doesn't understand, but keeps quiet. The day passes and Timmy goes to bed. Timmy wakes up in the middle of the night because his baby brother is crying, he checks on the baby to find that the baby pooed itself. He goes to the bedroom of his parents to find his mother vast asleep, he decides to wake the maid, but finds that his father is having sex with her. Because he sees no alternative he changes his brother diaper himself.

The next day in school, the teacher asks Timmy, "Well Timmy, can you tell us what economics is?" "Yes", says Timmy, "When the government is asleep, and capital is screwing the workforce, then it's up to the youth to make sure that the future is not full of shit".

Comment by John B Hodges on August 12, 2011 at 6:35am
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What is this, some kind of a joke?
Comment by MolotovDerp on August 11, 2011 at 9:59am
Yo mama is so dumb that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
Comment by Brian George on August 10, 2011 at 10:25pm
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants....the bartender looks at him and says "What's with the steering wheel"? The pirate replies, "Arrgh, it's driving me nuts"....
Comment by MolotovDerp on August 10, 2011 at 1:19pm

Oho a blonde joke! :D

 

What's a brunette called when standing between 2 blondes?

 

a translator :P

Comment by Kimberlee Williams on August 10, 2011 at 11:02am
good one...I needed the laugh!!

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