Is he even alive? Have i failed him?

It has been 2 day since i last heard from [Happy Bunny {don't ask me, ask Adult Swim ok? I didn't even want to post him as a Pseudonym, but here we are!}]. By the time i realized he wasn't sending me anything back- texts (his phone cannot be called any longer), emails, IM's, everything i could think of- i was past the point where i could help him. I can only hope desperately that he either checked himself into a mental hospice or is in a hospital somewhere, recovering. I hate the idea of facing his demons alone, because i know that they have nearly beaten him already once before.

Was it me? I wasn't good enough? I wasn't fast enough? I wasn't...there? I have so much doubt now, but if i ever find another person like Jeremy, that doesn't mean i should ever hesitate to try and help like this time! Right?

Am i really so arrogant to think i can be anyone's savior in a sad world where victims are exalted and simply allowed to come and go as they please with no one bothering to stop them? It saddens me to think that after all of this, it was the death of someone closest to him- the only close person he wanted to acknowledge in the world- that pushed him over the edge. Where many different counselors and prescriptions failed, did i have the audacity to think that i could change the outcome of his very neurophysiology?

I made no impact on his life.
That is something i cannot forgive myself for, but that in time, i will forget. I have no choice in the matter. Though highly sympathetic and empathetic, i cannot wallow over what was essentially a stranger a thousand miles away. But i feel ever the worse for forcing myself to acknowledge such things. Where is my humanity?

Am i merely pretending well enough to fool myself? Do i willingly submit myself to this much criticism through others as a form of masochism? Am i then, the worse for fragile souls, because i am somehow sabotaging all of my efforts simply to subject myself to such excruciating emotions?

There is no room for my consciousness and my will when everything is consumed by such staggering doubts. In such a state, i merely emulate the Pitiable, instead of becoming as i should- whatever that may ultimately mean after many more long years of self-trial and uncounted, innumerable error.

But is this just a simple error? I have no idea what to think or feel now that i am left in this state.

So please, my dear readers, help me burn away the fog with the fires of Reasoned Conviction- like a dark nebula being slowly blown apart by a new and shining star born into this vast, cold and dead universe- the symbol of a perfect and clear mind.
___________________________________________________________________________

It has not even been 3 days yet, and i no longer feel anything about him. I am calmly and intellectually dissecting the situation, and i cannot understand why. It isn't like i feel nothing for anyone or anything else, but Jeremy is just a random name as if said in a crowd.

What's worse, is that i know that i should feel awful about this. I should be guiltily forcing myself into feeling something, even if only for a little longer. The therapeutic properties of writing all of this down i fear work too well for me. I honestly do fear for my humanity when i can be so callous and detached. I had waited yesterday, and detached myself from the situation by waiting to discuss it with the wide world until i was separate from my emotions. Even then i feared that i was being so cavalier with these fundamental problems- of forcing someone to live and challenge oneself.

No, i worried about that from the very first time i spoke with Jeremy. Rightly so, it would seem.
_______________________________________________________________________________
2-6

He was Sick. That little fucker was simply Sick. Ugh, i worry myself to death and am psychoanalyzing myself about it, and he's fine... I mean, relatively.

But i can't just delete my thoughts that i put up there. They were genuine and real, and i want very much to remember myself as that kind, caring person... Though right now i'm too relieved and annoyed to "Be" that person.

But you know who else came back from the dead after three days? Jesus! And didn't he commit suicide pretty much as well? Hmmm..... Point out the fact that "Love hurts" was on KWOD and 93.1 at the same time (i toggle between them since they have pretty much the same library of music- the kind that rocks), right as i was driving home and had just got the message from him (from his Phone which had service cut off allegedly because he was "over his minutes" *grinds teeth*), and one reaches the conclusion that if God existed, He has a very reflexive, masochistic sense of humor. Simply look at his representatives!! I rest my case there. I'm not seriously suggesting that this is the case- it's just a queer set of circumstances.

But, not to forget, this is the day, one month ago, that his mother died. So, it is somber day. Maybe he was sick Because he was thinking about all that stuff so much. Don't underestimate the Evil lurking in your subconsciousness! I certainly won't underestimate his... I can't afford to.

Nevertheless i'm glad. Apparently i am a great help to him after all. If i wasn't, i really never would have heard from him again. So, even my faith in my abilities- in my infallible gift of gab- is restored! :) :) :)
------------------------
__________ ---------------------
But Yes, brand me as a heretic for even Considering that god exists- surely He (capital God) wouldn't blaspheme Himself, would He? Maybe people have deep consciousness- like if we consider Hinduism and the idea that Brahman is simply Consciousness itself... If we make that paradigm more complex, and add layers of cognitive abilities to the idea that the Universe/ Reality is Mind, then that would make a certain amount of sense- after all, the Mind's chief function in society today is simply to amuse itself. (And Yes, what we went over in Philosophy Class today was the Bhagavad Gita! Though the chapter is actually Ethics- it could just as probabilistically landed on Nichomachean Ethics or Something else- though as i look further, many of the Readings in this chapter {it's an intro class, which, through my small experience, seems to mean that it's going to be an anthology that is our source.} are probably pertinent at least in part to this discussion. So, i have to toss away this as a case of Confirmation Bias; but let me continue anyway...) Altruism is simply the different sub-egos protecting and affirming one another, while enemies and "Evil are simply the other side of that mind that ponders itself endlessly. The mind as an anthill is a fascinating concept emerging in Neurology (anything by Steven pinker or other leaders in the field would agree to this), and "Quantum Computer Universe" scenarios have already been proposed. Rudy Rucker wrote The Lifebox, the Seashell, and the Soul--discussing the idea of naturalism/artificial-ism duality in the Dialectical style- i will have to get back to reading that someday...Someday!

But honestly, this is a discussion for another time. Fascinating, but not pertinent to the original topic. With that, this diatribe ends.

Views: 9

Tags: Death, Doubt, Emotions, Ethics, Fate., Hinduism, Hope, Mind, Pain, Personal, More…Philosophy, Suicide, Testimonies, Thought, heresy

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Comment by Onotheo on February 10, 2009 at 4:27am
When extending or receiving sympathies, I somehow don't know exactly what to say or how to react. I've recently lost someone close to me myself, maybe I could empathize with you on that level.
Comment by Tedster on February 9, 2009 at 1:00am
I just read your brief post in The Exit. I am so sorry to hear about your friend.
Comment by Rickr0ll on February 6, 2009 at 2:11pm
read the other post Rose. Then tell me what you think.
Comment by Rosemary LYNDALL WEMM on February 5, 2009 at 11:59pm
Rick, you did everything you could to help Jeremy. As you acknowledge, even trained therapists cannot work miracles with everyone. Sometimes we lose patients.

Your reactions are now unusual. They are also constructive and protective. It is not helpful to the distressed person or to yourself to wallow in the feeling that you failed. You have to step back and block your feelings so that you save them for when they are useful. Otherwise you burn out. Do not give yourself a hard time for feeling nothing. That is exactly what your brain needs to feel right now. Consider it to be something like recuperative sleep.

It is possible that, as you conjecture, the guy is in a hospital somewhere. It sounds as if that is where he should be. Deep depression rarely responds to anything but physical and pharmacological intervention.

If you hear more from him please let us know.
Comment by Rickr0ll on February 5, 2009 at 12:35pm
What the fuck? NO!! I'm insulted. Very insulted.

But i see that it looks so dry and unemotional... i was done feeling what had happened before i started writing it, and today i feel nothing about it whatsoever. That is what i ought to talk about now... I am so quick to get in and out of emotional states. What does that me for me as a person?

So Jay, why don't you fucking think about what you write instead of making insensitive and incorrigible remarks. It disgusts me that you take such a unintellectual stance on such a heavy and important subject! There, you wanted me to be frank and blunt, you Got it Glib!
Comment by Jay Gilb on February 5, 2009 at 12:27pm
Was this post a writing assignment for school ?

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