I Will Likely Never Find Sexual Fulfillment.

Title says it all. I posted before on my sexual life story... I wish I could say that things have improved since then.

Nope.

I don't think, when I wrote my first post, that I had experienced my first kiss. But I have now. And saw my first naked man in the same week. Kissing was cute, but not very sexual. Because I never feel truly sexual. The second guy I kissed, and likely my first time really "making out" is not a particularly good memory. I think the guy really is nice, but he came on way too strong after that (a friend described him as "demonic") and I didn't have feelings for him. Plus he wouldn't let me drive myself or pay for my own meals...

So, at that point I just thought kissing was gross.

The good news is, a few weeks ago I made out and actually enjoyed it. I felt excited and bubbly and it was nice. So there's that.

But in general, getting close to guys makes me feel so trapped. Usually it does happen too fast, and even though I like the guy, I cannot seem to muster up the appropriate feelings. They're just not there. My estrogen is pretty low, around 36. It's high enough that most doctors are dismissive, but it's lower than the ideal range for menopausal women. And I'm 19 years old. I've also been diagnosed with PCOS. I have irregular periods and my breasts are very small for my size.

As far as masturbating I tend to do it every day for a few days and then go weeks without it. And it never gets better. I do find that the most efficient way to go about it is porn and a vibrator, both. Without them it'll take like... hours. My orgasms are so disappointing that for months, after I came, I would immediate google sexual dysfunction issues looking for help. Know what I learned, with all of my research and advice?

1. People don't seem to care about women's sexuality. (Although huge amounts of women suffer from low desire, most help seems directed towards men.)
2. Far too many men are convinced that they are sex gods and could cure your problems if you had sex with them.
3. People have different sexualities, so I should apparently just give up and be happy even though my dysfunction is making me miserable-- and it is NOT normal.
4. It's all "in my head". Bullshit. I've done everything I can, mentally. There is more to this than just relaxing, or any of that hooey.
5. So few women have my exact problem, or admit to it, that there seem to be no answers at all. And I've never seen a woman resolve it. She usually gets the "it's all in your head" or "everyone is different" copout.

The best way I have found to describe what orgasm feels like for me, is that feeling you get in your body just before you sneeze. Put that in the genitals, and there you go. It lasts about a second, and the slight pulsing continues... but nearly all of the pleasure is gone.

I'm hoping that treating PCOS will help, but I didn't respond well to the MetFormin and got sick, so now I'm going on ChromeMate, which will regulate my blood sugars... and I GUESS that's supposed to help my hormones balance themselves? But as far as I can tell, even women with low desire have normal orgasms if they can achieve them. If I do it right, it's not so hard for me to orgasm. It just doesn't give me much pleasure. And that sucks, because if I ever do lose my virginity, I don't want to tell my partner that it wasn't any good for me. I know that my first time won't be magical, and that's silly. But I kind of don't want it to suck, either. I don't want to be laying there in bed with him feeling like I'm broken. I'd like to get a handle on my own sexuality before I give it to someone else. People seem to think I'm silly for this, though. And silly because I'm not happy enough with my body to have sex right now.

A lot of times after I masturbate I'll think to myself, "I shouldn't even bother with that anymore". It seems so pointless to even try. But I know I always will, for whatever reason.

Basically my only hope is that treating my health problems resolves this issue.

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Comment by Jezzy on April 28, 2013 at 2:27am

Well being asexual unfortunately doesn't mean a-romantic... I still crave intimacy, and I still think about sex constantly, I just don't physically crave it or get anything out of masturbation.

I've had sex since I wrote this. Just with one guy. It wasn't very good as we only had a few times... but he was kind of an ass to me so I broke it off and I'm trying not to regret it as I'm still in love with him.

I've made an appointment with a PCOS specialist but couldn't get in until the end of May. We'll see what happens. I'm kind of in a really bad depressed, self-loathing state, so although my sexual problems are frustrating to the nth degree, I'm more immediately worried about improving and contenting myself and getting over this heartbreak.

Comment by Luara on March 13, 2013 at 7:41am

Maybe you're lucky to be asexual.  Sexual relationships cause SO much trouble for women.  If you see a woman totally emotionally wrecked, it's likely because of a sexual relationship.  Maybe you should be saying "yay!  now I can do something more meaningful in my life, than 'trying to make it work' with a guy". 

Or maybe you're gay and haven't realized it yet. 

Comment by Ruth Anthony-Gardner on March 13, 2013 at 12:07am

Why not shop around for a gynecologist who will take your low libido/low estrogen seriously. I've been on full strength estratest (now only available as generic) pretty much since I went through menopause. I'd always had a high libido, this keeps me going at reasonably well for 68. The testosterone is just as important as the estrogen for libido.

Comment by Loni on March 12, 2013 at 11:24pm

Hey, I know this thread is a year old now, so hopefully you're feeling better about your sexual experiences by now.  I just wanted to say, and this is in no way medical or factual, that from my conversations with other women, the frustration you were dealing with is not uncommon.  I made it all the way through my first marriage without experiencing an orgasm.  I wanted to so badly, I put in so much effort to make it happen either on my own or with my ex, but I just couldn't get there.  I faked it.  It was awful.  There was one night early in our marriage when we were having sex in the dark and I just had tears rolling down my face out of frustration.  He never knew about that.  After we split, I thought I might be asexual.  I did tons of research and  joined an online forum.  I still went out and hooked up with a couple of people, and some experiences were better than others, but I wasn't getting there.  Every single one of my girlfriends-every one-has told me similar stories about her sexual experiences, and frustrations when we've talked about sexuality.  Some of us pin it on the sexual repression of our cultural upbringing, some of us have just felt like we were too naive from the gate, some of us blame sexual assault, some of us have had hormonal treatments to try to help, and some of my girlfriends are still working toward sexual satisfaction.  All the rest have been in their mid-twenties when they felt sexually satisfied.

Honestly, it IS different for all of us, but I think a big part of the problem is our sexually obsessed culture and the portrayal of the female orgasm.  As young women, we are lead to think there is a way that female orgasms work, when really, a lot of women feel totally differently about orgasm and what it means.

I will end by saying this: I know you wanted to get this as resolved as you could before you get to the point of having intercourse with a partner.  I don't blame you at all.  You seem quite educated and realistic in your experience and expectation.  That said, my first orgasm happened when I really was not expecting it.  I met this guy and it was...the most surreal thing...the sexual tension between us was palpable, everything leading up to intercourse was intense, heated...it sounds so corny, but it really was that foreign and surreal. And I left that night feeling like everything I knew about myself was somehow changed because I had given in to the idea of never having an amazing sexual experience.  And it changed, then.  Don't get too discouraged.

Comment by Jezzy on March 30, 2012 at 1:23am

Hey guys! Thanks for the responses. I read all of them, and I appreciate the support. I know I can be a bit whiny, and it may seem like a small issue, but it's hugely distressing especially in a culture that can be so sexually obsessed so as to make even the average sexual person feel uncomfortable.

Phoenix- I do have menstrual problems, they're pretty irregular, I think the longest I've gone is about four months. My practitioner is hoping that my estrogen will regulate itself with treatment of my insulin resistance and PCOS, but in about a month and a half we're going to check up on that, and if it hasn't improved I think she'll be more likely to help me get a boost.

Jonathan- Making thrusting-like movements does seem to help, but I feel the need to stay in a fairly-constant state so I don't lose the sensation. Maybe I should experiment a little more.

Chris- I'm hoping I can resolve this issue somewhat at least before I have sex, but a lot of the guys I've been close to know about my problems to at least some degree. I get varying reactions, a lot of them telling me to relax or whatever the case. So I don't think it would be too much of a problem disclosing things like that to a potential sexual partner. I would just feel terrible if it didn't go well for us. It was really interesting hearing about you, though. I love hearing different perspectives especially on things so personal.

Comment by Jedi Wanderer on March 28, 2012 at 7:46am

Sorry to hear of your problem. It does sound like you are completely cognizant of what the problem is and what needs to change to resolve the issue. If you do have PCOS (and that seems fairly likely given that "PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old)" (Wikipedia), then you should have other symptoms other than sexual anhedonia (I think that's a word! It should mean "lack of pleasure"). Do you have menstrual problems? Or any of the other symptoms also associated with PCOS? A quick skim on the wikipedia page didn't pick up anything about anhedonia, but as you say that could be very much due to the fact that women's sexual satisfaction is given such short shrift. What about just getting dosed with estrogen? If you are afraid your estrogen levels are too low, perhaps a boost will help you, even temporarily? At least then you will know that that is part of the problem. Just go around and don't stop searching until you find a dr. willing to prescribe it to you. That seems the best route from my perspective. I have lost a lot of trust in doctors (and the entire health system really), they each have their own individual agendas and perspectives, and too often they really don't care about helping people, they are just in it for the money or whatever. So I wouldn't stop until you find a dr. who actually gives a damn about your problem. And imho, this is a problem worth solving post haste! You will NOT regret it (but I'm sure you are perfectly aware of this already). Good luck!

Comment by Jonathan Christie on March 28, 2012 at 6:37am

Hey, This seems a bit weird to me but I might be able to help, It sounds like you got a lot on your mind when your busy, Now I'm not going down the "its all in your head" route, but stress has a lot to do with how all of this goes down. Are you maybe feeling a little stressed out whenever you think of or do any of these things?

Just have fun, make it a "romp", and be silly sometimes.

Also another thing is if we don't "play the game" as it were, it could be difficult to reach climax, i don't know what advice people have given you but here something a little UN-orthodox, watch some porn, doesn't matter what porn , but catch some scenes in the bed or where ever and take note of how they're moving around, twisting, thrusting and arching etc. now this is the awkward part, next time you masturbate try move around like them, It might seem strange at the beginning, and you might even end up laughing at yourself, but the payoff will def be worth it.

Hope this helps and things work out.

Comment by ChrisC on March 28, 2012 at 5:34am

Best of luck with the ChromeMate treatment. This is the first I've read about your situation and it sounds like a horrible thing to go through.

I think you're right about the general attitude towards female sexual pleasure and I think it's a crying shame. For purely reproductive purposes I suppose it is more "important" for the male to perform and orgasm, but that is a very narrow viewpoint. Sex is something that should be enjoyed.

You're not silly for worrying about your first time and involving someone else in your situation. I believe that there are men out there who don't care and will do the do without concern of your pleasure or fulfilment, but speaking as one who is not like that at all it can be upsetting to know that you cannot pleasure the girl you are with. If and when you choose to try, just be open and explain the situation. No need to go into too much detail if you are not comfortable, but at least set the scene.

I can sympathise with you to a certain extent as far as intercourse is concerned, although I've never had a problem with masturbation. I have never felt able to do the whole "one night stand" thing, as I have found that I cannot perform unless I actually feel comfortable with the woman I am with, which can take time. I also do not enjoy oral sex being performed on me and have never managed to achieve orgasm by that means.

Something I have found that helps is that I find it very exciting to excite my woman, I find that I can very quickly slip "into the mood" by going down on her. If I am having difficulty getting turned on, the excitement of seeing her become aroused by my actions is enough to trigger my own arousal. Maybe you could try that? I understand it is very early days in your own experiences and that sex probably seems like a distant milestone, but when you feel ready and comfortable with a guy enough to try, see if performing for him in various ways does anything for you.

Also, I cannot stress enough the importance of being comfortable with the person you are having sex with. Of course the first time will always be awkward and probably unfulfilling, but being with someone you genuinely have feelings for will help, although I am not naive enough to suggest that it will cure your problem. It sounds to me like you have certainly not met that guy, judging solely on this thread.

To give a little perspective, I lost my virginity when I was 19 to a girl who I had become best friends with when I started Uni. We started dating a couple of months into term and had sex about a month after we started dating, but I didn't get my head around what I was meant to be thinking or doing; what would help and what would just distract, for months afterwards. We were together for 7 years and after we had sorted out what we were comfortable with, things improved greatly. More recently, I have been seeing someone for just over a month and we have not had sex so far, partly because of the whole "taking it steady" thing and trying to keep things casual, and partly because of my wish to feel comfortable before we take that next step. I am certainly looking forward to the time when it happens, but I am not interested in failing to perform due to nerves.

One final thought about masturbation - I'm not an expert on biology, let alone female biology, but I think it is quite common to feel a flush of almost-regret shortly after a self-induced orgasm. It may be psychological (maybe it says more about my upbringing lol) or it may be biological (release of hormones?), but it has been there for me in the past. Don't let that trouble you. My WAG would be that your brain needs to become accustomed to the flushes and strains of orgasm.

Best of luck with sorting your problem and don't give up! Once you have found something which helps, medical or otherwise, go with it, but don't make the mistake of jumping into bed with someone who doesn't honestly excite you.

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