I Want to Die a Slow and Painful Death.

Yes, I want to die a slow and painful death.

Just hear me out. No, I'm not going all emo on you. I'm not some sort of sick masochist. I hate pain. I cry when I get a paper cut on my finger (or across my cornea). Which is all the more reason why I want to die a slow and painful death.

This isn't like most people's initial response when they are asked how they would prefer to die. I think the majority has conceded to the age old response, "I want to die peacefully in my sleep." To me, that would be sheer and utter horror. There are so many flaws in that response. Sure, it may sound nice to many people, but after much consideration it is certainly not for me.

In order understand how I came to this conclusion, you have to understand some background. I love life. I love it with every breath of my being. Everyday I am so thankful that I am alive and that I have another chance to tromp around on this little lonely planet I call home. It's not perfect, but that's what makes it so beautiful. I want to experience every joy, every smile, every gleeful moment, along with every tear, every sorrow, every loss. There is so much beauty in just being able to feel emotion, whether it is positive (like having a baby) or negative (the loss of a loved one). Every emotion I feel lets me know that I'm still alive and I'm still in the game. Everyday is a new chance. I can never say I hate my life, because I always have the ability to change it. Even if everything falls apart, I can still man a boat to some tropical coast and sell seashells by the seashore. That's the wonderful thing about life. "Life is what you make it." And I truly believe that. Even if you think you have no opportunities, you still have the ability to put yourself in a situation where opportunities are more readily available. Life is so short and it is so precious, I try my hardest every day to remind myself that someday this will all be gone and I have only a few decades to appreciate it.

With that being said, you must also realize that I do not ever want to leave this life. If I could, I would live 1,000 years and live 1,000 different lives. I would give anything to live forever. But, we are mortals, and as mortals our highly organized grouping of atoms with someday fall victim to the inevitable disorganization that plagues even the strongest-willed people. Someday we will all have to let go. I refuse to let go without a fight. The only way I could ever see myself succumbing to death is if I was in an immense amount of physical and emotional pain. Torture. Totally agony. And it is only in a situation like that, where my body has lost the energy and will to continue, that I could ever imagine taking my final breath. I want to be there when I take my last breath. I want to be fully conscious and completely aware of what is going on.  I want that moment. That moment is mine, and I will never give up that ability to feel that emotion. When I take that last breath, it will be my decision. To die in my sleep would deny me that. I would never know how it feels to let go. I would never get a chance to savor my last moment on this planet that I love so dear. I wouldn't even know that I was dead. How horrible would that be? To die and never get the chance to experience it. We only live once, and we only get to die once. It's all a part of life. Dying a slow, agonizing death would give me the motivation I would need to say goodbye to something that I would have otherwise never had the strength to do. That is the only way I want to go.