I have had the most failtastic week in my life(so far).
First, my anxiety went out of control(what am I saying?? it's still OUT OF control..) and it took me a while to convice my mom that I really really really really really really need to be on anxiety meds.
Second, my depression flared up because of the anxiety(wtf?!). So I just wanted to lay around all day. I didn't let myself though, I made myself do things and actually make headway into moving out of this state. So that's good, except for the depression.
Thirdly, I had a surprise HIV test. I say "surprise" because my mom asked the doc could she do it while they were doing the rest of my blood work. I won't lie: I felt ashamed because I thought my mom assumes that I am some big whore than needs testing. And I felt shame that I was even sexually active to begin with(fyi: in a committed relationship of two years..still felt shame).
I took the test, which they bungled up everything: first, they forgot to ask me to sign an envelope so I can get my results. Second, they didn't answer my question on how long it would take. They spoke in generalities, so I guess that's normal?
When I let my mind f**k with me about the test and possible outcome, mom started to yell at me, because that is what makes a hysterical woman feel better ya know..
Fourth, before all this, I started having pregnancy symptoms that went away within a week. I really didn't know how to think/feel about it because again, it could have just been one of those things where my body was just toying with me. But again I felt pregnant, only to wake up and feel nothing of the sort...
Fifth, before that, my doc noticed that my stress levels are dangerously high. I've tried everything to just..stop being stressed. I've tried thought stopping, I've tried positive thinking, and I'm working on begining an exercise regimin after a small illness. But until then, I don't know what to do. I already see the not-so great things I used to do in order to cope come back up. It was so insidious. Slapping myself to calm down one day. Thinking of self-harm another day. I thought I beat this shit. And here it is at my doorstep and I have no clue what to do.
I've called a psychatrist, because it's what you do when you feel like you're losing your mind and the world is about to either fall apart, explode, or just eat you alive. I'm waiting a response.
I'm looking for a new therapist, because the one I did have wasn't professional. She actually looked at me in disgust when I stated I was 1) atheist and 2) bisexual. *headdesk*
What else? I've been diagnosed with ADD on top of my GAD. So they had to switch my medication not once, but twice this week.
I just want to curl up somewhere and rest...if my brain will let me.