Slowly but surely over the last few years I've watched as, one by one, everyone of my friends fall into mere husks of their former selves. They've been enslaved, you see. With the slightest peep from their new masters they all spring into action like obedient dogs, what could their mobile phone want? What does it need from me? The flat of their hands now hold their undying attention. When they finally look up - distracted by something uncomfortable, like the sound of a non electronic voice or eye contact with an actual person - totally unaware of the passage of time they've been out, and look at me with big saucer eyes. Dead eyes. Like a dolls eyes. "Oh, sorry mate, were you saying something?"

Yes. We were pretty much having a conversation. It was like the old days. You remember the old days, don't you? Were used to have conversations all the time. But then the pod-person doppelganger of my friend reminds me that those conversations were pre-twitter, and no electronic database had any record  of them, therefore they technically didn't happen.

"You should get a iPhone," they sometimes add, "They just released a new one. It's the only way to converse these days. Aren't they great? You should get one. It'll be just like the old days, only better, because now it costs you money. They've just released another new one in the time it took me to say that. You should get one of those, too. Join us, join us, join us,"

You bastards, why are you torturing me like this? Why?

I'm no technophobe. I love my PC, my Kindle, my Zen mp3 player, my X Box. Do you remember pornography before high speed internet? It doesn't bare wanking about. Kids these days have no idea how lucky they are. I don't care how good smart phones become, I'll never buy one, because the people who have them are just fucked.  Bill Hicks once said of non-smokers, "I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of you." People who get these devices loose themselves in them. 

I remember the first time I went to Amsterdam. With all the cars, trucks, trams and endless piles of bicycles whizzing round, clogging up  roads, I remember thinking, "With all this transportation, how do they manage to get anywhere?"Now we've more ways to communicate then ever before, but it doesn't seem like anyone's got anything left to say.

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