I finally posted my story on Pandy's

I think it's my third day at Pandora's aqaurium, and I've worked up to 10 entries so far. There is a girl on there who is a big nerd like me, so we talk once in a while. I think she's beautiful.

 

That being said, there is a folder in the forum called "My Story" or something like that. I wrote my story, but to "keep myself sane" I said as much as I could. I don't feel depressed, just very raw. Like if I had an infection and it was JUST getting the help it needs. It hurts like hell, but it will keep me alive. Dealing with the self-loathing is going to be hard because I was taught that me <god. So to get out of that mindset, I really think that I need a brain transplant. Why isn't there a camp for ex fundies?? I'd really like to go. Maybe cry my eyes out a bit, lol.

 

It seems like that is what I'm doing a lot of now. Crying. I know people will say it's normal, but honestly, I have to work against the conditioning I was brought up with. Crying was thought of as a sign of weakness or manipulation. which sucked because crying was the only way I could show anger.

 

I watched Fullmetal Alchemist and heard the quote " God is the invention of people who have nowhere to go". How true it is! At this moment, feeling like I have nowhere to go(but either down or what have you), the stuff from church pulls at me. Seduces me. Tells me how it would be "all right" if I just "gave it to Jesus". But the truth is, I'm tired. I don't hate christians but oh how do I hate american christianity. And I hated what I became when I followed that.

 

I just hate feeling so fucking emotionally fragile. I want to be strong. I want to be awesome.

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Comment by Cameron on July 5, 2011 at 2:48am

Hey Monica, I didn't go through the same thing as you, but I understand how difficult it is to change your entire worldview. It's definitely a difficult change and a lot of emotions are going to come along with it. So yes, it is perfectly normal to feel all of these emotions, and crying is definitely not a sign of weakness. I found the hardest part about getting over Christianity was trying to get past the mental chains they place on you; about hell, giving yourself to Jesus, etc. Once I did I saw Christianity the same way I see Judaism, or Islam, or Sikhism, Buddhism, etc. I don't fear Christianity any more than I fear Islam. I recommend reading The God Delusion or Letter to a Christian Nation of you haven't already. Good luck!

 

And by the way, you are strong and awesome if you've made such a drastic change in your way of thinking. It's so easy to just sit back and accept what makes you feel best and what others around you believe, it takes a brave and intelligent person to look at the norm and say "I don't think this is right."

Comment by Atheist Andrea on July 1, 2011 at 11:46pm
Maybe if you tell yourself you are strong and awesome you will finally start to believe it. You seem it to me.    Good luck, Monica.

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