I started to smoke at 25, which was very stupid. I was still up to my neck in christianity, but having considerable doubts. I was in graduate school. I was also being a very naughty girl, and somehow god wasn't helping me to be more "moral." I would go into what I mean by "moral" now, but that will be for another post. Suffice it to say, I was living in contradiction with my own value system.
The most interesting part about my decision to start smoking, is that I am a lifelong severe asthmatic. There were multiple incidents of times that I would take a couple hits of my inhaler to open my lungs up enough to enjoy a cigarette. I was in self destruct, miserable, depressed, and engaging in a slow suicide.
I began to try to quit smoking approximately one year after I started. I then decided it was foolish to be so self destructive. I had some successes, and multiple relapses. I confused my neurons so much that my moods were in a mess. Ultimately, I kept going back to it, even after physiological withdrawal had ended.
The title of my post is a bit misleading. I am currently not smoking (for 3 weeks now.) I don't keep my fingers crossed, because I've gone 6 months before. What I have realized though, is that I want to live a really, really long time. Since this life isn't a dress rehearsal as I believed for so long, something clicked inside of me two weeks ago, reminding me that I am in complete control of what toxins I take into my body. If this is the only life I have, and it is a happy and rich life right now, then I don't want to negligently end it sooner than needed. That single thought has prevented me from slipping many ties in the last few weeks.
Many things in this life are not preventible. But hell if I'm going to actively choose things that have a high likelihood of ending this fantastic and fleeting life that is finite. I want to absorb each moment I can, and I simply don't have time to sneak out back for a smoke.
All of the prayer, hope, faith, etc did nothing to get me to this point. I needed to have a reason to live. Having my life be something that ends without the possibility of heaven, rainbow bridge, etc makes each moment more valuable.