Video transcript:

Good evening, and welcome to Freethinking News.

This is the night of Sunday, September 4th, 2011.

In our top news, Hurricane Irene has been pounding the East Coast like Ron Jeremy on speed. American icon Glen Beck was quick to offer reassuring words to those suffering in the wake of the tragedy saying “How many warnings do you think you’re going to get and how many warnings do you deserve?” He continued, “This hurricane is a blessing. It’s a blessing. It is God reminding you—as was the Earthquake last week—it’s God reminding you you’re not in control.”

Also riding the God/Disaster bandwagon is Michelle Bachman who said “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’”

Their words were echoed by fellow assclown Pat Robertson, who said the recent 5.8 magnitude Virginia earthquake, “means we’re that much closer to the coming of the Lord.”

I don’t know about the coming of the Lord, but natural disasters seem to make these dicks cum a lot.

In world news, in the month of August, 66 American soldiers died in Afghanistan, making it the deadliest month yet for the Americans in the decade-long war, which of course has nothing to do with the fundamentals of Islam.

In a contested region between Sudan and the new nation of South Sudan, indiscriminate airstrikes have killed at least 26 and wounded some 46, which of course has nothing to do with the fundamentals of Islam.

In the Batman region of eastern Turkey the suicide rate of young women has risen although many claim that these are actually honor killings. More importantly, as far as this reporter is concerned, how awesome is it that there is a region of Turkey called “Batman”! If this is indeed honor killings, it is a rising problem in the Muslim world as demonstrated in Pakistan when a father shot six of his teenage girls because he suspected two of them were dating local boys and the other four girls because they had “sided with each other.” The police inspector said that the alleged murderer “does not regret what he did. He boasted that he would do it all over again if he had to.” Each year in Pakistan at least 5,000 people, the majority women, are victims of this sort of honor killing, which of course has nothing to do with the fundamentals of Islam.

And, in a Sunni mosque in Baghdad—you know where this is going—a suicide bomber blew himself up along with 28 people and wounding dozens more, all because they didn’t subscribe to the same flavor of crazy as him. The bomber disguised himself as an injured beggar and then detonated himself after people tried to help. According to the mosque’s imam: “What hurts me is seeing a 3-year-old boy who came with his father to pray. And then after the explosion, I saw his head separated from his body.” The boy’s father was also killed in the blast. It is suspected that this is part of Al Qaeda’s planned 100 attacks in revenge for the assassination of Osama Bin Douchbag. Of course none of this has anything to do with the fundamentals of Islam.

Another thing that has nothing to do with the fundamentals of Islam: science news! Astronomers have discovered a planet made of diamond some 4,000 light years away. Since light years is a concept most of us have trouble understanding, I’ve done the math and converted it into a figure that will make more since to you: the distance the diamond planet is from Earth is equivalent to the length of 1.55192395x1019 stripper polls. No news yet on how many Africans will need to have their hands cut off to put the diamond on some rich cunt’s finger.

The oldest fossilized cells yet discovered, 3.4 billion years old, were found in Australia. Although it is also possible that an Intelligent Designer just placed them there 6,000 years ago to test our faith.

Two separate fields of science, physicists at the Large Hadron Collider and Biologists studying the Black Death DNA have both produced negative results requiring them to go back to the drawing board for theories that they were expecting tests to verify. In the former, supersymetric particles have yet to be found to exist, and in the later the bacteria responsible for the plague may be causing various modern ailments. Now I’ll be honest and admit that I don’t understand half of that, but both these cases are a clear demonstration that everyone who claims that science itself is a religion can go fuck themselves and the horse they rode in on. We see before us science doing what religion cannot: not only admit that it was wrong, but become excited by the new possibilities that open up.

On a personal note, I would like to say happy fourth birthday to Sugar Joe’s, my favorite watering hole in South Korea. The birthday party took place on Friday and good times were had by all. Most of us are still recovering and swearing off having good times ever again.

In entertainment, this last Monday marked what would have been Michael Jackson’s 53rd birthday or 26th molested boy.

Speaking of raping young boys, the Catholic Church lost a legal battle wherein the court concluded that the church has no “recognized legal right” to a contract with the state and therefore adoption agencies can legally cancel contracts with Catholic charities that refuse to support same-sex couples adopting babies.

And finally, speaking of winy little babies, that Justin Beiber chick won Best Male video for “Not Afraid” at the VMAs. Upon accepting his award, he said “I just want to say thank you so much, not only to God, but to Jesus. Because I wouldn’t be here without Him. He’s really blessed me. He’s put me in this position. So I want to say thank you so much.”

If it is true that Justin Beiber owes his success to a 2,000 year-deceased zombie Jew, I would like to say: fuck you so much, not only to God, but to Jesus. Because Justin Beiber wouldn’t be here without you. You’ve really pissed me off and destroyed everything sacred about music. You put him in this position. Fuck you very much. Ramen.

Of course this tradition of thanking figments of one’s own imagination for a personal success is not limited to girly musicians. Hall of Fame broadcaster Vin Scully announced his 63rd season in the booth saying “God’s been awfully good to me, allowing me to do the things I love to do. I asked him one more year at least and he said okay.”

In my final thought, I would ask you to think through the consequences of their statements. If we live in a world where God exists, allows Beiber to be a success, and takes time to not only listen but answer Scully’s career questions, what sort of world would that be? When a lone child survives a cancer, a car crash, a tsunami, or a genocide we say it is a miracle that God saved that kid. The extension of that conclusion is that very same God caused the disaster and fucked up all those other people.

If your God exists—and thank god he does not!—he is a sonuvabitch who would rather spend his six working days a week helping the careers of the useless while allowing some 30 children to die an hour from AIDS. He created viruses, tumors, pain, suffering, rape, war, hatred, and televised golf. This is not someone we should draw any morality from. So even if he were real—and he is not—we are better off using those wonderful brains of ours to agree upon what is right or wrong.

To exist in a modern society, we need to remove ourselves from our cultural hangups. This means taking responsibility for our own actions or those whence the actions came. Although a believer, Dostoyevsky was all too aware of this as he wrote one of the most poignant scenes in The Brothers Karamazov. A savior returned has no place in this world and we must reject Him.

Jesus was an asshole who threatened an eternity of hellfire upon those who didn’t accept his world views. Mohammed was a racist and a pedophile who was most likely also schizophrenic. Even the Buddhists—who are so damn close to actually having a healthy world view—allow themselves to muck it all up when they needlessly complicate it with the Buddha’s erroneous views about reincarnation.

Don’t let a god take the praise for what is good in this world or devils and djinns take the blame for what is bad. If there is a problem, don’t pray to a morally devoid deity to help you: fix it yourself or if you don’t have the power, connect with those who do. If you have a success, enjoy it and work hard for more. Find your balls—or whatever bits and pieces give you courage—and put the credit or blame on the appropriate person or natural force.

This concludes the news for Sunday, September 4th, 2011. Thanks for watching, and viva la revolution.

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Tags: blog, news, parody, skeptic, video

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