I've been absent from AN for some time whilst caring for my ailing Dad. Sadly he died in June and I am just not able to cope/accept it.. I am finding myself very envious of theists because they believe they will see their loved ones again. A vain hope I believe and yet it brings them so much comfort. I would give anything for that level of comfort. No other loss has been as difficult to bear as this one and all I want is to talk to my dad again. How on earth do any of you get through this?

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Comment by annet on August 14, 2011 at 3:56pm
I'm so sorry Anne. The comments you've received are full of good advice. These hard times of life are probably why religion exists but we can get through it without religion. I still mourn my dad 10 years later for all the things that I never told him "in the living years". But I get comfort from the fact that the energy he left in this world lives on in the form of me and the people he knew and the things he did. This sounds crazy but to deal with the sadness I decided to think of his last breath as the wind under the wings of a butterfly.
Comment by Steph S. on August 13, 2011 at 8:46pm
Anne, so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad.  We are here for you.  Like Clarence said, -- you can find solace in your memories of your dad.  And, as Sentient said, -- time heals.  My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Comment by Clarence Dember on August 13, 2011 at 12:50am
Hi Anne. May you find solace in the many
wonderful memories you have shared with
your dad. This is how I am able to honor the
life of my father. I carry his good qualities
forward In time bringing them to life as I go.
Comment by Daniel W on August 12, 2011 at 10:55pm

Anne,

Sorry for your loss and I empathize.  I lost my mother this May and my dad last August.   My mother's Alzheimers was so horrible, I had to put it into a "brain closet" and close the door.  Now that she's gone, I can still only peak inside once in a while then close it again.  Similar for my dad, whose decline and death ripped me up pretty bad; again, that's also still in a "brain closet" for a while.  Time heals, it's a cliche but it's true.  I too want to talk to them, and I miss doing so a lot.

 

What is moving me forward?  I've taken on a big house project, had the kitchen torn out and putting in a new bigger modern better one.  I got the cajones to demand a change of my work site to a different, hopefully better place, and also much closer to home, and may be able to bike to work again soon.  I'm quite possibly adopting a young'en with my partner.  Not sure it will go through, but working on it.   By the end of the year, life will likely be very different on all fronts.  Maybe then I can look back a little and have the presence of new situations and new relationships to move me forward.  I think that making some positive life change  will help me move forward.

 

My dad used to make sandwiches with white bread, colby cheese, tomato, and mayo.  I never liked them, now I eat them all of the time.  He also used to make apple pies, and until my oven broke down I was doing that too - and will again.  My mom's dementia went on so long it's harder to find moments like that, but she used to make bread, and I will be using her recipe for that as soon as I have an oven again.  She liked toasted cheese sandwiches, almost lived on them.  I never ate them before, but now I do often.  I don't know why, but it makes me feel good.

 

25 years ago my partner died.  I made the mistake of being in the room when that happened.  It took about 2 years to move forward.   And that was while I was in school and working at the same time.  But I did move forward.  That's how I know that time heals.

 

Religion is a drug.  It can hide the symptoms but does not cure the illness.  If you have to believe, no one should fault you for that, but it is still possible to be godless and become whole again.

 

Daniel

Comment by Kimberlee Williams on August 12, 2011 at 3:34pm
Hi,
I remember asking the same question after my dad passed and feeling envious of theists. The only thing that helped me was allowing myself to grieve when others said to move on. I allowed myself the melt downs, crying fits, anger and all of it. In addition to that I put one foot in front of the other each day (one at a time) and surrounded myself with people that think like me. Please know that we are here for you and I am always wiling to listen. Take care of yourself.

Kimberlee

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