In which an Atheist dies and is sent to Hell but is able to talk her way out of it.

I used to be a good girl, didn't kiss, smoke or booze I was smart enough to know I'd win if I played by the rules.

But I never went to church, oh, no, it's true but it's odd ‘cause I did not believe in the old sorry ass god.

My mama was a Christian, her parents were too, But that religion told me "We don't need the likes of you"

I used to go to Sunday school, but caused a revolution, When I told the nice preacher man that I believed in evolution

So I didn't go with mama, just stayed home on Sunday I read and did my homework while she went on her own way.

During the afternoon, I went for a short bike ride But a Mack truck crashed into me and of course I died

Now I went up to heaven, strolled through those pearly gates, Saint Peter tapped me on the shoulder said "Hon, you gotta wait, hate to tell you, but you're not on my list, So you'll go on down to Hell because you're an atheist"

I stamped my foot and crossed my arms, and I shook my head Said "Look, you can't push me around just cause I'm dead"

Saint Peter told me "If you want, you can have a trial, To see if you'll go down to Hell or stay here with a smile"

He cried, "I call on Satan's lawyer, Dr. Johannes Faust Come and defend this girl so her soul will not be lost"

So Dr. Faust appeared there in a cloud of red smoke He told me "Sorry honey, but your contract is broke

As soon as you rejected God, you let Heaven go" I told him "I bet you said the same thing to Galileo"

Saint Peter shrugged "The verdict's in, I'm sorry to tell, But it seems to me that you are going straight to hell"

Saint Peter called some demons up to escort me to Satan. But they didn't come for hours, and we just got bored waitin'

So I said, "You know, I just haven't lived my life to the whole, And I'll do darn near anything if I can save my soul

While we're waiting for the demons, let's play a game of chess A friendly match, just so we can see who is best

The only catch is if I win, I get to stay up here, But if I lose, I'll go to Hell, willingly and with cheer"

Saint Peter said, "It's better than just sitting here all day" So an angel brought a chessboard and we began to play

Saint Peter said, "Let me warn you; my playing's first-rate" And while he was boasting, I said, "I just got checkmate"

I jumped out of my chair and I giggled with glee Then Thomas came and said, "You should play best out of three"

I won those too, and Peter said, "Well, then you can go "I myself will deliver you from that down below"

And so I stayed in heaven for most of the decade, But there was no one there that was smarter than second grade.

I called up Saint Peter again, and said, "This ain't worth a fart Why isn't there anyone here who happens to be smart?"

Peter told me, "I know it's a pain But if you've got Jesus, honey, you don't need a brain

The world is full of troubles; Jesus takes them away. Instead of doing math, it's easier just to pray"

I handed in my wings and halo, and I set out, My feet were soon hurting, and my head was full of doubt

I sat down on a cloudbank, and said, "I've learned what I should, I guess for me, Heaven just ain't any good"