If an atheist rewrote the Bible in the 21st century, what would it look like?

Probably a lot like, The Last Testament of God: A Memoir by God / with David Javerbaum. Lol.

Here it is, folks. God Telleth All. Finally!

Here are the answers to your questions about the Bible and why Christians, particularly fundamentalist Christians are just plain wrong.

Did you know that first couple was Adam and Steve, not Eve?

Why does God believe in Evolution?

AND OMFG the shocking revelation that God’s NOT Perfect! He says so himself! So it MUST be TRUE!

Scandalous to be sure but God was pretty scandalous even in his crankier days when he spend all of his time smiting his enemies.

This is scandalous in a modern 21st century way, but of course the smiting continues….
1:19. I am not perfect.
1:20. Yea, I am omnipotent; but there are mortals tramping thy corridors of power who are nearly so, at least within the earthly dominion; and does their great might foster in them perfect righteousness? Or are they not mostly bastards?
1:21. Yea, I am omniscient; but there are mortals waddling the casinos of Las Vegas possessing nearly all information on the handicapping arts; yet does their great knowledge foster in them perfect judgement? Or did they not just lose their shirts on the Seahawks +2 1/2.
1:22. And so, Reader, as thou flippest through these awe-inspiring pages, be not surprised to discover that over the millennia I have erred on matters great and small, and even at times shown slight defects of character.
1:23. For despite all the sobriquets listed above, and all the wondrous attributes contained within me, I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be.
1:24. I have claimed only that my imperfections are thy fault.

And so begins Againesis….

Fast forwarding to Revelations ….
God responds to Christian demands:
1:11. “I want my Judgment Day and I want it now!”.

 God:
1:23. I had made a vow never to be dishonest to thee again, and I meant to keep it; no, this would have to be a clean and total break;
1:24. For mankind, I love thee far too deeply not to destroy thee utterly.
1:25. And so I made the decision: one last crazy year, and then we say good-bye, not in regret but in friendship; valuing the time we spent together, treasuring the memories we shared, and putting behind us the anger thou caused.
1:26. The world began on October 23, 4004 BC; it will end on December 21, 2012; pencil it in.
1:27. (But remember what I said at the end of Facts 5:2-9, about there being a little wiggle room to leave time for a sequel if this book selleth well enough.
1:28. No pressure.)

 


And so it was, is, and shall be ....

I want every Christian I know to have a copy of this book.

Heh. Maybe I'll give it to them as a Christmas gift from Santa Claus.

 

http://newatheism.blogspot.com/

http://books.simonandschuster.com/Last-Testament/God/9781451640182

Views: 129

Tags: Bible, Christianity, God, Humor, Satire

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Comment by Trance Gemini on November 1, 2011 at 9:44am

Hey Loren, nice to chat again :-D.

 

The book appears to be a satire on Christianity so I guess it could be taken in the way you say.

I just thought it was a entertaining read. It takes a lot of the ugly stuff and just makes some good, healthy fun out of it.

 

Hope all is well with you!

 

Comment by Loren Miller on November 1, 2011 at 9:17am

HEY, Trance, ain't heard from you in AGES!  Good to see you again!

As for the book, the excerpt you have here reads awfully like an apology - gee whiz, big surprise, eh?  Like: "C'mon, fellas!  I'm omnipotent and omniscient, but not perfect!"  It is exactly the kind of response a man-made god would try to make to his own creation, to people who have figured out that they've been had and finally called him on his bullshit.  It's almost Woody Allen-ish in its quality.

I can see where it might be amusing, but that's about it.

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