Isaiah Chapter 59:- They hatch cockatrice' eggs

I was under the impression that a cockatrice is hatched from a cock’s egg, so I tried to purchase some from my local supermarkets, to no avail. Can you tell me where they can be purchased, and advise me where I can buy food now that I am barred from my local shops.

Exodus 16:4 Then said the Lord unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you.

Is there any possibility that you could intervene with the Lord and ask for the raining of the odd slice of bread or even a biscuit or two on me, now that I have been declared a danger to society and not allowed into any of my local shops I am getting extremely hungry.

Isaiah 36:12 :- That they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss.

In the absence of the promised raining of food and suffering from the terrible pangs of hunger I sampled the above menu as suggested by the Lord. Could you now suggest a good remedy to relive acute vomiting, nausea, diarrhoea and stomach cramps.

4 Kings 2:23-24 And he (Elijah ) went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

Another side effect of my current diet is that all my hair has fallen out, and as a result the local homies ridicule me mercilessly. As advised by the Lord I did try luring them to the woods to be devoured by bears but no bears turned up and in fear of my life and being a God-fearing, gun-toting American, I took 40 of them out with my personal protection Uzi. For some reason this seems to have aggravated the local Police, and excited Sky News, and despite my clear explanation that this was the Lords punishment for mockery of baldness. I now find myself homeless and on the run from the Police.

Acts Chapter 5. The judgment of God upon Ananias and Saphira, killed by the Lord because they would not sell all they possessed and give it to the Priests.

I have been taken in and sheltered by some God fearing pilgrims who live under a bridge, they say they are the disciples of the Holy Shopping Trolley, and their leader who is a kindly man says I should give him all I possess, he says God will be angry if I don’t. I have no problem with this as it sounds pretty logical, but I can’t understand what God wants with a stolen Ford, a tin watch, an empty Uzi, and my old clothes.

Deuteronomy 23:1 No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

Having decided not to give up my tin watch, (after all It was a gift from the National Rifle Association, signed by God, I mean Charlton Heston himself) I suffered a severe beating from the kindly God fearing followers of the Holy Shopping Trolley, which was understandable, as I did not give up everything I had. However, in the course of the beating I suffered crushed testicles, resulting in the surgical removal of my damaged organ in an attempt to halt the gangrene and save my life.

I now have only three important questions:-

1. Being on the verge of death, how am I going to overcome that ban and get into heaven?
2. How do I pay the surgeon before I go, now that I am destitute?
3. And where the hell can you get those damned cockatrice' eggs?

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Comment by Bob Stewart on August 9, 2009 at 1:02pm
I am sorry to see that I am dealing with a bread fundementalist. In the Disputatio pro declaratione virtutis indulgentiaru by Martin Luther in 1517 otherwise known as the Ninety-Five Theses on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences this New Taste-ement was clear in that God did not discriminate against any type of bread, in fact all was welcome at the table. After all did Jesus not, in one of the only the two miracles he preformed, create many loaves from just a few, and the body of Christ himself represented in the transubstantiated bread of the Eucharist, and last but not least "Give us today our daily bread", truly is the loaf blessed. So cast your misguided beliefs behind you, attend your local Patisserie and sin no more.
Comment by JayBarti on August 7, 2009 at 1:56pm
croissant... You must be a heretic and not up on current teachings....

Croissant's were disallowed during the great "Last Supper" schism of 1200 ad, when after careful examination, when it was determined that the breadbasket contained not one crumb of a croissant. Bagels yes, dinner rolls certainly, but fluffy pastry type breads were added in through later doctrine and should not be considered a true reflection of the divinity of God, they are in fact the devils play thing.

I now lead a croissant free lifestyle, because that is the way God wants it.
Comment by Bob Stewart on August 7, 2009 at 1:46pm
Naturally the bread is not sliced, that is why we have been given free will, we can slice or not slice depending on our nature. I would suggest however that you avoid dipping it in cream of tomato soup as I am reliably informed that this is a mortal sin and could lead to an eternity of grain grinding.

Naturally some will be hit and killed or maimed by high velocity bread but that's "Gods will" who are we to think we can understand God's plan in these matters. If God calls us home to the great bakery in the sky by striking us dead with a 120 MPH croissant we should praise his name, get some yeast and "rise" again..
Comment by JayBarti on August 6, 2009 at 4:58pm
Exodus 16:4 Then said the Lord unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you.

I am much more interested in the "bread" question, since sliced bread is often used as a greatness bench mark.

Is god slicing the bread before it rains down on us, or is he sending us complete loaves of the stuff? What does it say about God, if can not or will not slice bread before it hits us?

Is this before or after we learned to slice it for ourselves, are we even allowed to slice our own bread?

Plus that bread if its falling from heaven is going to be traveling awfully fast. I don't know what the terminal velocity for a loaf of bread is, and that without even considering about how it was made or the thickness of the crust.

Why are biblical scholars not answering these very important bread related questions.
Comment by Sentient Biped on August 6, 2009 at 12:22pm
This is hilarious!

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