You were always curious how it felt like to drown. There was a time that you felt death and that you can’t do anything to stop the darkness that looms over your face. You’ve always been with your sandman, dreaming of the bloody Neverland, always dreaming. And you know that it was just an escape. You were always afraid of that man on dark suit, afraid he might cut your throat and that blood would gush out, your red thick blood flowing and drenching your shirt. You were always afraid someone might stab you behind your back, that when you look back you’ll find no one but your shadow. You saw a guy once on top of a building and seating at its railings and you insanely thought that he might just slip and fall crushed on the sidewalk right in front of you. Ever thought he might just fall on top of you? And every time you see a person smile you’d never feel the warmth–instead you’d feel fear creeping inside you thinking that that smiling guy is a freak serial killer and that he is after you. You thought you might be on drugs, but then you’re sure you’re not ’cause you just checked your drug exam that morning and it says negative — or maybe they were mistaken and you just forgot? And you asked yourself when the last wild party you attended was and you just can’t remember. And you’ll say “F@*k!” You felt that your world was an upside down world and that everyone around you was sick, and you were the only sane guy. You felt that every single person on the road was there to hit your car so you’d drive slow and safe but eager to put the gear on its high speed the moment a psycho skids to your direction. You felt like running, trying to shake your shadow, but the fucking thing keeps on following you and you say “sh#t, sh#t and sh#t!” You felt trapped in a world that has gone haywire and you suddenly felt like you wanted to puke just like your first ride in a roller coaster. And you felt like crying? You were so afraid of being alone and your world was just too heavy.
Someone told you that ‘reality bites’ and you said “Sh#t! Bite my ass! I know I’m strong for any kind of sh#t!” And you knew you were going to eat your words. You sunk in mire and you hear someone says that anyone who is really down has only one direction left–the way UP! And you wanted to punch the guy to his face thinking he would never understand that you’re already drowning! You knew that there was so much pain inside you and you so much wished for it to all stop. And it was the first time you thought of death and the many ways of dying.
And you bought yourself a blade and thought of cutting your wrist — and once you heard that doing it quick is painless, just be sure to cut the right vein and to cut deep. You looked for that blue vein you’ve heard, the right spot, and aimed your blade. Funny that you’ve waited for a grand light to stop you, maybe this time God will send one of his angels just like the ones you’ve heard during your bible reading classes when you were a kid–you waited and waited but there wasn’t any. Your eyes were filled with tears you can hardly see. Except you knew you must and that it was too much.
And you did what was expected. You quit. I know you would, one day. You were alone and there was no reason to live. Pity!
Maybe one day I’ll follow. Until then, and we would both wait for the world to laugh and say pity…One day they’ll follow and yes, to our grave. And we will both laugh in our misery. Maybe you’re right, our world is upside down and nothing is real.
How much we want to wait for that grand light and so afraid it will not come, and all we can say is sh#t, sh#t and sh#t!