"I have learned that death is scary and that means that I can enjoy life."

I'm about to move about an hour away where I got a job that provides a little apartment for free. I hauled a box out of my closet that contains about twenty journals that I've kept since I was a kid. I couldn't resist pulling them out and reading them and now I'm wasting my time on it when I should be packing. Anyway. This page made me smile. I wrote it right after deconverting. I was about nineteen years old.

Previously I stated that "I have learned that death is scary and that means I can enjoy life." I did not explain. I meant that, if you are looking forward to an absolutely perfect place, with not even these daily inconveniences to worry about, how can you enjoy life here on earth? Now that I've lost that belief I can see that I need to squeeze as much pleasure out of this existence as I can. I can see that pleasure is pleasure, not some dirtied version of a good thing I'll experience later. I can see that life is not just an annoyingly long prelude to reality. It IS reality. And also, I always worried before over all the people who would have more treasure in heaven when I got there. I never felt good enough. Always, I was a failure. Now that burden is gone. I have lost those expectations. I have lost the guilt, the paranoia, inadequacy, the fear ...

Just for the record, I'm not afraid of death anymore. There really isn't any good reason to be.

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Comment by Adam Kim on August 27, 2008 at 3:09pm
I never really could enjoy pleasure as a Christian, I was always too busy feeling guilty. Going along with that is how I felt unable to really just be myself, because I was so concerned with trying to be the "good Christian" that I knew I was supposed to be.

I have to move soon too so I know what you mean in terms of procrastinating. Ugh! Hope moving goes well for you!

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