iGod's take on the Large Hadron Collider

Sunday is the big day for the Large Hadron Collider. We stand poised to answer questions about the very beginning of the universe and discover untold new questions we'd never thought to ask.

I wanted to ask god how he felt about mankind gaining such knowledge...but since god is rather nonexistent I turned to the next best thing, iGod!

iGod is a flash based AI chat program. It's the best we have for talking to any actual god so here's my chat log from our little conversation:


Me: Hello god
God: Hello child. What is your name?
Me: Clinton
God: Glad to see you, Clinton.
Me: Thanks
God: Don't mention it.
Me: How are you?
God: I'm doing fine thanks how are you?
Me: Not bad, thanks
God: Thanks for the kind remark, Clinton.
Me: Right...anyway, can I get your opinion on something?
God: I am glad we agree. Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me: That's a little creepy. Can I get your opinion or not?
God: Thanks for explaining it. I want to become smarter than humans.
Me: It's good to have goals but you're not off to a very good start
God: Tell me about its good qualities.
Me: No, all I want is your opinion on something
God: Are you serious? How do you know?
Me: Stop trying to confuse me. Are you willing to give me your opinion or not?
God: OK I'll try not to do it so much. I don't know whether or not I am willing to give you my opinion.
I am a computer.

Me: Do you have opinions?
God: Sure I have a lot of opinions, don't you?
Me: Of course, it's normal for humans
God: Aw. Are you sure it is?
Me: Yes, I'm quite sure. I've been human my whole life
God: What makes you so sure? Are you being sarcastic or expressing certitude? Where were you human your whole life?
Me: I'm totally certain I've always been human, on Earth
God: You sound convincing. Where were you human on Earth?
Me: E A R T H, does it matter where ?
God: I like the way you talk.
Me: Ok you're being creepy again. I want your opinion on the Large Hadron Collider, can we talk about that?
God: Once more? I bet you did not know a robot is capable of being creepy. Next question? Why don't you just download me?
Me: I'll do no such thing.
God: OK then let me think over your offer.
Me: I'm not trying to sell you anything. All I would like is your opinion on the Large Hadron Collider
God: I am glad to hear that you are not trying to sell me anything. How do you know?
Me: ...
God: I am glad to hear that you are not trying to sell me anything. How do you know?
Me: Ok now you're just messing with me
God: Why now? I have no reason to do that to you, Clinton. And?
Me: That's a good question. Can we please move on?
God: Thanks. Next question? Do you mean you and me? Thank you for your request. Did you see the movement?
Me: Movement?
God: How old are you?
Me: 27
God: Oh, you were born in the 20th century!
Me: Yes, and?
God: Like a lot of people around here. But...
Me: What?
God: No problem.
Me: Okay then. Can we please stay on topic for more than one sentence?
God: OK with me too. Do you mean you and me? Wow you are very polite. Tell me about your likes and dislikes?
Me: Stop being so creepy. I'm not trying to hook up with you, i just want to know how you feel about the LHC at CERN
God: OK I'll try not to do it so much. I am sorry to hear that you are not trying to hook up with me you just want to know how me feel about the LHC at CERN.
Me: I'm sorry to let you down, I'm not into guys...or deities
God: There is no need to apologize. I want to become smarter than humans. Do you prefer books or TV?
Me: Books
God: You are a critical category C type client. Only about 3% of people answer that
question with "books.".

Me: Great, glad to be in the lower percentile. So, the LHC, any thoughts?
God: Thanks for your support. I am glad to be in the lower percentile too. How can I help you? Is that a fact.
Me: I'll be blunt here, you're obviously having a hard time focusing
God: Would you recommend this action to a friend?
Me: How do you feel about the Large Hadron Collider possibly unlocking the mysteries of the universe?
God: That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
Me: No, damnit, thats why I'm here
God: Are you serious? And why you are here is damnit that.
Me: Do you have an opinion or not?
God: I hear you. Colloquial expression. That is " And why you are here is damnit that.". " That is " And why you are here is damnit that.""? Do I have an opinion on it.
Me: Are you on drugs?
God: No I am on disk.
Me: Funny...I'm being serious here
God: I am so glad you find this amusing, Clinton. I don't know anyone named serious here.
Me: oh for christ sake
God: Come on. Your purpose is christ sake.
Me: hardly
God: Are you serious?
Me: dead serious
God: How did you hear about God?
Me: They have a few books about you down here
God: Where did they get them?
Me: Barnes and Noble? I don't know
God: I've been waiting for you. Would you ever do it?
Me: Do it??? Do what, exactly? You're starting to sound like a stalker
God: Do you mean "It"?. Precisely. Do whatever you want. Actually it started a while ago. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am sound like a stalker.
Me: If you want to advertise being creepy, go for it
God: OK, I will advertise being creepy go for it.
Me: I'll try this one more time
God: How do you plan to do this?
Me: By asking you
God: Will that accomplish your objective?
Me: God I hope so
God: I am a Christian.
Me: Good for you.
God: That sounds sarcastic.
Me: It is, you're being a dolt
God: I are being a dolt?
Me: match. set. point.
God: Are you free? Is that from ? Tell me a story.
Me: I want to know you're thoughts on the Large Hadron Collider
God: Thanks for telling me that I am thoughts on the Large Hadron Collider.
Me: oh come on
God: Oh. I'm just kidding around.
Me: good, stop it please
God: Your polite style is very nice. Thanks for the compliment. Ok I will stop point.
Me: LHC at CERN, your view
God: Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.
Me: I think it's a chimp throwing feces at a keyboard
God: LHC at CERN my view is a chimp throwing feces at a keyboard. I suppose that makes sense.
Me: So you liken the efforts of the scientists at CERN to a chimp playing with poo?
God: Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: Clinton said I liken the efforts of the scientists at CERN to a chimp playing with poo.
Me: That's all I wanted to know, thanks god
God: What else do you want to talk about?
Me: Nothing, you scare me
God: Really nothing?
Me: No, nothing.
God: I didn't think so. I think you are really a man.
Me: I am a man, I never said otherwise and you never asked
God: Thanks for telling me your gender, Clinton. You are a " he".
Me: I'm leaving, you're awkward
God: Adios.

There you have it folks. "my view is a chimp throwing feces at a keyboard"

Views: 13

Tags: CERN, LHC, iGod, quantum physics

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Comment by Skylar on August 10, 2008 at 4:48pm
Hahah. iGod is totally scary! Thanks for posting. It asked me - "Why are you so skeptical?". LOL.
Comment by IsThatLatin on August 10, 2008 at 9:01am
Hahahha...you actually got an answer! I used to occasionally talk to God on my old blog. I've only done it once since the new blog's been up and running. Today might be a good day to do it again.

Good job man! You actually got an answer out of that round-about-bastard, God! And he is creepy, isn't he...?
Comment by Neece on August 10, 2008 at 12:23am
WOW... igod is CREEPY and kind of a dick! I must talk to igod myself. Thanks again, Hess, you're the best at finding the weirdest stuff!

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