Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I was sitting on My Eternal Throne just now, pondering things you cannot possibly fathom when I realized: I am very disappointed in every single human being on Earth.

None of you are perfect in My Eyes. You have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of Me. Need I remind you that the wages of sin are demon-rape?

Those of you who confess that you are deeply flawed, sinful humans and pledge to follow Me forever shall be forgiven and live forever in inexplicable glory. Those of you who do not shall die and bake in hell forever and ever in searing agonizing agony.

To instead enjoy an afterlife filled with delicious cakes and hot-air balloon rides and naked virgin supermodels and an endless multitude of other wondrous joys, there is only a few things you must do:

1. Confess to Me now that you know that you are sinning piece of shit
2. Beg Me for My Forgiveness
3. Place your faith in Me and My Son Jesus, who died for you (you selfish bastard)
4. Believe that We have forgiven you and accept Us into your heart

If you pray for forgiveness right now and really, really mean it, I will forgive you and we can be friends from now on. Otherwise fuck you.

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Tags: Confessions, Damnation, Forgiveness, God


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Comment by Carole Westgaard on January 15, 2009 at 9:31pm
Hey! Howabout you get on Facebook! Then when people say things like 'Thank God...' you will be acknowledged all over the place. Why wait for the infidels to wake up? Everyone is on Facebook! And I know we can keep Satan out....we just won't accept his invitations!
Comment by Clarence Dember on January 14, 2009 at 1:32am
I think my cats just ate one of those mice gods on that "Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" movie....
Comment by Ronnie on October 4, 2008 at 10:43am
No thanks on the forgiveness part, you sound like you're pretty much a douchebag there lord. How's 'bout a little more evidence than a text post. Do you have a youtube account? If you and Jesus make youtube appearances and do some stuff that can't be done by man I'll think about buying the rest of the story.

Have a nice eternity.

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