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My De-Conversion

I was raised Christian, Baptist to be exact. I come from a very religious family, my grandmother was an active member in the church and taught me much of what I know about god. We would go to mission (which is like bible study) which I enjoyed only because they had fresh donuts. Since I was a little kid, I was never big on praying nor had I ever developed this love of god that Christians claim to have. I was however very much into natural and historical science (nothing like Chemistry and other sciences that deal with a lot of math) I would pray every night before I went to sleep but it didn't really mean anything to me. I hated church because one, it was boring, and two, nothing that they talked about really clicked with me, nevertheless, because I didn't want to go to hell I decided to be baptized. As I got older and began to watch and read more about science I started to realize that I agreed more with actual findings from the earth itself rather than the Bible. I would see books about Atheism but being afraid that god would see me reading them and punish me I wouldn't go look at them. I tried to salvage my Christianity by trying to force myself to believe that god did exsist and I delved into the Bible and prayers but realized that it was useless. I then became a Theist Evolutionist, again in an attempt to save myself from hell, thinking that it would be ok in god's eyes. I had always been afraid to turn to Atheism but now its a fact that I can't deny, I've thought and thought and analyzed Christianity and basically went over it with a fine tooth comb, I now realize that the belief in the christian god is no different from the beliefs of other gods. Christians say that others beliefs are silly and far-fetched but isnt the belief that an invisible man created the world in a week just as ridiculous? You can't imagine the relief and basic happiness I felt when yesterday I was able to really say to myself that I am an Atheist. I feel much better and more confident than I ever did trying to fool myself that I'm a christian. I haven't told my family members yet and for a while I wont. I still live at home and I think that if I came out about my beliefs that they'll be lots of tension and I might not have a place to stay anymore. Thank you for reading my story and please feel free to comment. You can't imagine how it feels to get all this off my chest.

Tags: atheism, christianity, de-conversion, religion

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Comment by Johnny on December 10, 2009 at 5:21pm: your story is quite similar to mine! I'm sure it is pretty close to most former christians who finally stopped being a sheep.

My story and a couple others here: http://www.atheistnexus.org/profiles/blogs/deconverted-christians-what

What I didn't talk about in that story was that I tried very hard to salvage my Christianity too. I poured over the bible and took it to multiple sources for interpretation, even trying to read atheist articles in order to find faults in them like I did the Bible... well... here I am! The logic had no flaws... thank you, genetics and environment (lol the realistic version of what I call "omnipotent" determination of outcomes)!

Comment by Amber on December 8, 2009 at 9:30pm: Courtney~ It sounds like we have very similar backgrounds. I'm glad you found this forum so you can meet others who can be an encouragement to you. I understand that you don't want to let your family know about your changed beliefs. Sometimes it's just not a battle worth fighting (at least not at this moment in time) But let the others you meet on this site be a safe place you can turn.

Comment by Courtney King on December 8, 2009 at 9:28am: @ Titi I'm not sure which part of Hawaii we're covering but yesterday we did Ahi Poke, Carmelized Salmon with Orange Shyou Glaze, Pineapple Fritters, Steamed Sushi Rice, Balsamic-Soy Reduction, and Lemograss Beurre Blanc.

Comment by Titi on December 7, 2009 at 9:52pm: Congrats! I admire your ability to take back your own thought process. Isn't it liberating?

I live in Hawai'i, so I'm curious what you're learning about in school in regard to Hawai'ian culinary traditions. Loco Moco? Spam Musubi?

Comment by Bets on December 7, 2009 at 9:33pm: I was also raised in a baptist church and was baptized for the same reasons. We actually cleaned the church on the weekends and went to it three times a week--I really got sick of that place. When I first met my husband and he raised questions about my belief (at the time I classified myself as a christian), I was sure that a lightening bolt would miraculously appear and I'd be fried. We had many arguments on the matter...then he started making sense. I realized that the only reason that I hung on to christian values was to appease my family--not myself. Once, I began debating the topic with him and opened my ears and eyes to things, I also felt great relief. Don't let anyone tell you that your wrong on this--believe me, they will try their best.

Comment by Sentient Biped on December 7, 2009 at 9:12pm: Courtney,
It took courage and honesty to let your heart follow where your mind already was. Be proud and happy.

Comment by Nate on December 7, 2009 at 9:04pm: Congratulations on waking up, Courtney. Those of us that have deconverted know that it's not easy. There's no right or wrong pace for revealing your feelings to friends or family, just what works for you. If you must "come out", as many us have felt the need to do, be prepared to lose them.

It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World

Comment by Courtney King on December 7, 2009 at 8:57pm: Thank you guys for the encourgement!

Comment by Drew Polvora on December 7, 2009 at 7:23pm: Thanks. I enjoyed reading it!

Comment by Richard Healy on December 7, 2009 at 6:35pm: *applause*

Welcome. I think you'll find a great many people stories' are similar to your own.