Yeah, that's right! I'm one of those godless heathen non-believers, and I say that your holy book is full of inaccuracies! It's not historically reliable at all, let alone divine and inerrant! Contrary to what all those hard-line conservative fundamentalist wackaloons think, it actually contains numerous-

Wait.

What?

Some of the conservative nut-jobs are with me on this? Those same freakazoids who believe the universe was created 6,000 years ago based on a literal reading of the Bible? They believe that all current versions of the Bible are inaccurate and unreliable?

Yep. The Conservative Bible Project really exists. It's about trying to edit any "liberal bias" out of the Bible, and produce a more perfectly conservative version. One with a message more in line with what Jesus obviously meant to say, which just happens to very neatly align with Andrew Schlafly's own politics.

Wait.

What?

...the fuck?

I mean, I know anything even on a nearby plane to competent rational thought is going to be a non-starter with someone like Schlafly, but this is one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. It's bad enough when hordes of homophobic bigots use some passage in Deuteronomy to justify what is obviously a personal prejudice against gays, while carefully ignoring the surrounding bits about stoning disobedient children to death. But the one thing fundamentalist Christians have to support their position is the idea that God has provided them with a flawless historical record and set of instructions and guidelines for how to live.

And now he's saying that, because some parts of the Bible imply that God doesn't agree with his perspective in every single regard, the Bible must be wrong. Because he knows what God thinks better than his holy text does.

Jesus Christ.

Wait, maybe Jesus Christ wasn't even his real name after all. Schlafly, if you're reading this, can you leave a comment to let me know if I've been blaspheming wrong all this time? Thanks.

Seriously, look at some of the ways on that list in which the Bible is deemed to be deficient. "Wordiness" is apparently a liberal thing, and because the word "Lord" is so much more concise than "Yahweh", he's getting out the red marker pen. Any parable which doesn't expound the benefits of the free market is obviously a distortion, too. I mean, there's no way Jesus would've favoured any kind of hand-outs. You might think that Jesus wasn't keen on profiteering and rich people, and was pretty big on things like forgiveness, but that's probably because you're still reading the Bible, and so your understanding of Jesus is tainted by all that liberal bias. Throw that rag out, and listen to Andrew Schlafly.

Oh, and some parts he's apparently entitled to just edit out completely. Like that whole "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" bit. That just makes Jesus sound like a pussy. Admittedly, it does go against God's own advice in Leviticus, but if you're going to try and excise all the stuff that contradicts the other stuff, then you're not going to have much left.

Anyway. Bored now.

Hat-tip to PZ.


This was first posted on my blog over at Cubik's Rube.

Views: 13

Tags: andrew, bible, christ, christianity, conservapedia, conservative, creationism, fundamentalism, god, jesus, More…liberal, religion, schlafly

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Comment by Grinning Cat on December 9, 2013 at 7:06pm

Every founder of a new religion believes they know -- or claims to know -- the newly revealed "Truth" that supersedes all those other teachings and scriptures that were the "Truth".

If there were a supernatural being with a special interest in us human beings and in making our lives miserable, then convincing different groups that they must fight bitter wars with each other over intolerant and contradictory "Words of God" (and oppress their own people while they're at it) wouldn't be such a bad plan.

(But then again, we're quite capable of creating cosmic bullshit on our own. And, hopefully, of eliminating cleaning it up and relying on reason and compassion instead....)

Possibly apropos: "Poo Fools (us all)" -- arguing that even making fun of the "infected poo" helps spread the mind viruses within.

Comment by Johnny on October 7, 2009 at 12:43pm
OH WAIT!!! haha jk (jesus was kidding) guys... It's fine to exploit the middle class!! really!!

go ahead and wage wars where muslims are tortured and raped in Jesus's name! this is the holy word of god and he changed his mind again... hahaha! Stupid theists always following what anyone tells them god says!

AAHaha God got you!!! What a prankster!


Here's the truth and I WILL SWEAR BY THIS AND START MY OWN RELIGION AND DAMN THE HEATHENS!!
God is a prankster! He talked to each and every one of the prophets and various Religions and told them different things just to mess with us! Now, the REAL message of god is the new one that conservatives are claiming since Jesus really did just sound like a pussy... go ahead! kill the infidels now!
Comment by Peter LeSavage on October 7, 2009 at 3:55am
Yep... Saw this coming!! Think about it, the bile er bible has been written and rewritten so many times through out history, it was due for another upgrade... or downgrade...
Comment by unholyroller on October 6, 2009 at 1:13pm
So....the bible is the ablosute totally correct infallable non-changing perfect word of god.....but god isn't conservative enough so was obviously wrong and Andrew Shoofly is better equipped to correct god who is perfect and can't be wrong.....wait.....I'm confused.........{head explodes from exposure to such pure stupid bullshit}

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