It's tough being an Atheist in God's Country.

I was watching a televangelist program today, something about Jesus getting in a boat and talking to a storm.

"Jesus TALKS to the storm inside us! He got in the boat, and he SPOKE to that storm."

Damn. I want to be worshiped for talking to clouds. If I was alive when Jesus was, I swear I'd shake that guy's hand, the man did something right if they're still talking about him two thousand years later.

Televangelist programs are the only things on at four in the morning. I flipped around the channels and nearly choked when I could have sworn I saw the priest from the movie Gran Torino (great movie)! So I gave him a few minutes of my life, just for looking like he liked to hold the hands of old women and promise them eternity. Of all the things he decided to proselytize about, he picked atheism.

"What have atheists ever done to him?" I wondered out loud.

"Not believe in his god," my better judgment told me. I mean that is of course why we've started every war since practically the beginning of time. Why are people fighting over the "Holy Land?" Because people don't believe in each other's god, of course. But then of all the people this 27 year old virgin pastor decides to cite as a renown Christian scholar, he cites C. S. Lewis (!?!?!).

"Aight, now I don't only have to put up with a bunch of people telling me I'm going to hell for not bothering them, I have to sit through Prince Caspian and his talking lion bad children's fantasy too," I cursed. What is it with Americans and bad fantasy? It's like they've got a fetish for the stuff. I mean you've got Twilight, Chronicles of Narnia, The Golden Compas, The Holy Bible, someone needs to organize the lynch-mob against bad fantasy in this country.

So I learned some stuff from listening to this kid-pastor. Apparently C. S. Lewis was an angry atheist for 20 years of his life after God wouldn't resurrect his dead mother. Then at forty he saw the light and became a devout Christian. I didn't catch the whole quote of what he said, but his reasoning was that everyone loses touch with their spirituality at some point in their lives, that's why regular church attendance is an essential part of the Christian way of life, to remind ourselves of the truths of what we believe.

Okay, did I just hear what I think I heard? The only way to maintain routine brainwashing is to keep up routine brainwashing sessions. I completely agree! I mean afterall, if you don't study science every day since the day you are born, instead of just a semester in high school, under penalty of eternal damnation, you probably will forget a lot of the "truth" too.

My conclusion is that all of this condemning atheists for not condemning anyone stems from fear. Christians aren't supposed to hang around atheists because we'll tell it like it is, that sorry there's no mystic being in the sky or any other parallel universe and when you die, you die! The very fact that we exist is an attack on their existence. Plus, we'd lose the church too much business, they're entirely supported on donations after all. Religion has a monopoly on moral values, that people are just way too corrupt and evil to even think about being decent folk without God, so therefore you have to come to church and leave your pocket book while you're at it. If you don't, you'll die a painful and horrible death and to rub salt in the wound you'll go to HELL!

What are people so afraid about with death anyway? After all, everyone was already dead once before. You don't remember back when the dinosaurs were around. I guess people think once they die, they just lay there like "oh snaps, I'm dead, oh crap, I can't move, oh crap." However it was before you were born, that's how it is after you die.

Peaceful.

I've been kicking around this theory about the Afterlife for a while. Scientists say that after you die, you have six-minutes before all the electrical neurons in your brain finally stop firing. Your last six minutes of your deep subconscious mind that you probably didn't even know existed. What would your mind show you in that six minutes? What would you want to see? Do you see what you think you deserve to see? After all, it is a narrow pathway to Paradise, and we choose our own paths there. If the shadow of guilt haunts you in life, will it haunt you for that brief six-minute flash of brain activity before everything fades to black? How long is six minutes to a dying mind? A second, or an eternity? Me personally, I'm looking forward to a nice, restful sleep after a high-millage, well-lived life. It's my thoughts that will shape what I see in that last flash of life, so I'm not worried about what gods or demons would try to condemn me to in life, it's my choice.

So don't be afraid people, and stop persecuting atheists thinking it will put you in better contention for a seat in Heaven.

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Comment by Aaron Landes on August 27, 2009 at 10:45pm
Wonderfully put.
Comment by Jo Jerome on August 22, 2009 at 1:09am
Wow - well said and deep thoughts about those last 6 minutes.

Forget the name, but in the heyday of the French Revolution when they were beheading everyone and their brother, some scientist was put on the block. As a final experiment, he wanted to confirm his theory that the brain is still active for a few moments after beheading. He asked his assistant to stand at the front of the crowd and told him, "When they hold my head up to the crowd, I'll deliberately blink in succession to show I'm still conscious." Everyone thought him insane but either he did it, or a good number of people in the crowd sure thought he did.

Either way, it's said that was the beginning of the end of the guillotine. The whole point of the machine was that death is so instant as to be painless. But if as this doctor tried to prove you are still alive for some minutes after your head comes off...
Comment by Grey on August 22, 2009 at 12:37am
Well you write fine don't let any evilling through dog bothering yokels mess with your mind. Six minutes of afterlife for all the naughty things I've done sounds fair to me :-)
Comment by Billy Deaton on August 12, 2009 at 6:29pm
Very nice essay, Nicole.

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