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Dear Mother

Thanks for making me...

feel like dirt.

Thanks for the shame,

and all the hurt,

Instead of saying,

"You can do it",

It was "Look at you,

you really blew it"

I would walk in the room,

and get slapped to the floor,

hair pulled and jerked,

and bashed into doors.

I think of you,

this Mother's Day,

and I'm so glad I do

absolutely NOTHING your way.

My boys are smothered,

with love and support.

YOU, you gave me,

nothing of the sort.

I still have anger,

and lots of trust issues.

Maybe someday,

I won't need these damn tissues.

I'm through with crying,

I hope that you see,

YOU are the reason,

that you lost me....

Happy Mother's Day

I wrote this poem last year. The closer it came to Mother's Day, the more I was depressed at the reality that I didn't have a good mother. I have tried in the past few years to look past what she did, that maybe she didn't realize what she was doing to me and my siblings. I have tried to have a "normal" relationship with her. I only decided a few weeks ago, to shut her out of my life, and be done with it. I have been in a really good place now, for a little while. Almost zen-like. She was toxic to me, and I had to do it. For those of you who have or had a good mother, even if she has passed on, I envy you. I envy those hugs, and talks. I wish I had had that, even just a little. This Mother's Day, if you have a wonderful mother, let her know. I won't be able to do that, but I can hug my kids a little tighter that day. That's good enough for me.

Tags: done, mother

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Comment by Angie Jackson on May 4, 2009 at 8:28pm: Oh and kudos to you for breaking the cycle. That's the best thing we can do. I'm a single parent so mother's day ads are depressing (dad giving mom diamonds, or older kids making breakfast in bed, etc.) but I'm sure I'll get a lovely handmade craft from my son, which I'll treasure and post on the gallery wall, er, refrigerator.

Comment by Angie Jackson on May 4, 2009 at 8:27pm: I was raised by toxic grandma and spineless, emotionally vacant mother. This year mom's getting an e-card, but I'm really tempted to send her one of the wicked ones from someecards.com (If your mother doesn't deserve something nice, at least check these out for a chuckle.)

Comment by Father Nature on May 4, 2009 at 8:15am: Congratulations. Now that you've removed her toxic influence from your life, I'd like to recommend that you take another important step...forgive her. I spent years feeling angry and resentful toward my mother until I made the decision to let go of those feelings, forgive, but not forget, what was past and get on with life. I know it sounds too simplistic and new-agey but that simple act was all it took to evaporate the bitterness. Now I rarely even think about her and when I do, there is no negative emotional charge. Good luck.

Comment by vivian on May 3, 2009 at 10:29pm: Good for you, I had a toxic relationship with my grandmother and when I had my kids I decided I'd had enough. She died Friday and was told that me, and my daughters weren't welcomed at the funeral. It didn't bother me, because I know she had my grandfather call my mother to tell me this for spite. So it shows what kind of person she was. But then it gets me thinking of all the horrible things she did to me, my sister and even my mom (who was afraid to stand up to her) and then I feel better about the decision I made to never talk to her again.