Noah—An Accident No Longer Looking for a Place to Happen

Darren Aronofsky is an atheist. AND? With unsurpassed cinematography and stunning hits like "Black 

Swan" and "Pi" to his credit, he is also an excellent teller of stories. Unfortunately, "Noah" isn't one of them.

"Noah" starts on a low note and shrinks until it finally slides off the scale, out of tune, out of touch and literally out of space, as there is no earthly way to call this orchestration of one of the Bible's most ludicrous myths anything but a tone-deaf bad LSD trip. Even the academy award winning talents of Russell Crowe and Anthony Hopkins could do little to rescue this cinematic kludge.

With a deluge of millions of dollars raining from Paramount Noah's ark sinks. An already silly story is made into "disaster" movie that anyone alive on this planet knows, that is until Mr. Aronofsky gets his hands on it. Does the movie have any high points? Yes. It is packed with fantastic CGI graphics and enough action for a Marvel action hero comic book. That said-- Noah sucks.

If taken literally from the Bible Genesis is already a weird story combing animals that don’t exist with talking snakes and asses. Probably the biggest ass in the rewriting a well-know story is Mr. Aronofsky. Writers frequently take poetic license when try to move a story from a book to the silver screen, but Aronofsky took appalling liberties, introducing new characters, nonexistent quotations and environmental commentary into a film that is a bizarre mixture of Star Wars, Godzilla and Freddy Kruger.

I’ve read the Bible many times, but I don’t recognize this story. Jennifer Connelly plays Noah’s wife Naameh. His sons Shem (Douglas Booth), Ham (Logan Lerman) and Japheth (Leo McHugh Carroll) and Shem’s wife-to-be Ila (Emma Watson) cannot help this ham-handed disaster film.

The scenes of the Watchers and their clomping heavy feet, a boatload of animals and a lunatic at the wheel, which Crowe does an excellent job of playing, can’t navigate this Titanic to safety. Wait until you see the six-armed stone giants as we know wandered the earth in those days. "Noah" is a whacko trip that a boatload of mushrooms would be hard pressed to produce.

The undisguised commentary of corporate greed is also overblown as Aronofsky Noah and his family are attacked plunderers from the line of Cain. Apparently, this gruesome a tribe is ruining the earth by killing off the animals and strip-mining precious minerals. Sound familiar? In an effort to bring humanism into the fractured fairy tale, Aronofsky introduces Tubal-Cain played by Ray Winstone who might have one of the better parts in the movie although that isn’t saying much. Also, Aronofsky even fabricates a love interest Ila (Emma Watson), for Noah’s eldest son, Shem.

“Noah” is poorly executed, implausible, horrid but full of action. Nevertheless, every bit of this movie should have been left on the cutting room floor. Some Christian reviews have labeled the film as atheist claptrap, but no amount of finger-pointing will save this movie from what it is—a horrible film about a maniacal God who couldn’t get it right.

I rate this movie—one star. It is totally devoid of any redeeming social content. If it were a sick animal, which it is, it would be mercifully put out of its misery.

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Tags: Anthony, Ark, Bible, Crowe, Disaster, Genesis, Hopkins., Noah, Paramount, Russell, More…The


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Comment by Donald R Barbera on April 6, 2014 at 11:00pm
This is just my opinion. If not for the eye-popping graphics, there was nothing there worthy of replaying in a conversation. The special effects are top notch. Please go see it. Sneak in if you can because paying to see this is akin to compensating someone to whip your ass. I read some of the reviews of the movie and they were all over the board. Plenty of Christians liked it and thought it a great movie. On the other hand, just as many found the story almost blasphemous. I got paid to view it, for which I have no idea if I should be thankful or filing a suit for cruel and unusual punishment. Although, I can't in good conscious recommend this movie, but the graphics and screen tricks are almost worth attending. ALMOST!
Comment by Sentient Biped on April 6, 2014 at 5:46pm
Great review! I was thinking about going but now.....
Comment by Michael Penn on April 3, 2014 at 10:42pm

LOL  Don, I'm having a beer and laughing my ass off all through your marvelous review of this rediculous film. I wasn't going to watch it coz it's junk, but if my ribs stop hurting I might even try to see it.

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