I was looking through some of my old notebooks lately, and discovered I like to write a lot about nothing in particular.  My thoughts are vague, and I ramble on.  While I say I write about nothing, I guess that is not actually true.

About five years ago, I was writing things related to the economy, and how my personal life was messed up.  My husband had been out of work for a year, and we were in the process of selling our house before it was foreclosed on.  We were coming to terms with moving in with the in laws, and trying to make sure our daughter didn't have to finish her senior year in a different school than she started it in.  It wasn't a fun time at all.

This was also the time when my step daughter was about to have her first child.  We didn't know then that when this little girl was 8 months old, a brain stem tumor would be found.  She has since undergone surgeries and chemotherapy, and for the time being is very healthy, but at that time, we didn't know what was ahead. 

I remember writing about the economy, and about the politics of that time.  Barack Obama versus John McCain was interesting to me.  Would things be more hopeful after the election was over?  Or would this turn into the next Great Depression? 

I had a lot on my mind in 2008.  I hadn't gone to culinary school yet.  I was still at Starbucks.  I felt like I was hanging on by a thread.  I was still considering myself a Christian then, but I am sure I had doubts.  I was looking for other options, but I was still praying.  I was still wishing for a God who would listen and fix everything for me.  A god who shall supply all my needs.  I didn't want to face what the reality of not getting any help from above would mean, but I had to learn what that was like.

Of course, time moved on.  So many things have changed since then.  I never did get magical salvation.  I think that is probably a good thing.  We did sell the house, and did move in with hubby's parents.  I went to culinary school and hubby went to a tech school for automotive tech training.  Stepdaughter now has two daughters, and, for now, both are doing well.  Mother in law had two or three strokes, and dementia, and died in January of this year.  And the dog recently died too.

Through that all, I also worked through my  doubts, and left my belief in gods behind.  I started to look for more reality.  When my granddaughter went through surgeries and chemo, it was hard to believe that a god would let a child be conceived and born to suffer through that, and that there was some good, noble, godly purpose in it.  When we lost the house, and then my mother in law had the first stroke, and people told my husband that it had been god's will for him to lose his job so he would be living in his parents house so he could take care of them, that was silly. 

More and more of those sort of things kept happening.  And I found it harder to swallow the talk of a good god, who cares about us.  Eventually, I had to do things for myself, and learn to accept things I didn't like.  I had been really attached to going to heaven, and there being an afterlife.  I really wanted to see my dad and grandma when I died.  Now, I realize it will be ok not to.  I had them for a long time while they were alive.  I got the memories, and the time with them.  I know they loved me, and that is all you really get when it is all said and done, at least in my opinion. 

Anyway, I like looking back at my old notebooks.  They are where my private conversations with myself are conducted.  I get to see how much I have changed, and what I have made it through.  Remembering where I came from, and the journey to where I am now might help me as I travel on in my life. 

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Comment by Michael Penn on July 30, 2013 at 8:02am

Life is a learning experience and doesn't give us what we want. Preconceived ideas have to be dealt with. Rest assured that your departed loved ones will live with you all your life. They live on in your memory in ways that pull the heart strings and make you smile.

Mark Twain reportedly once said that he was not afraid of death. He was dead for millions of years before he was born, and it didn't hurt him a bit!

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