Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Conor on May 5, 2010 at 4:05pm

I have been in that situation and it was part of what ended our five year relationship. She was growing more and more concerned that my not wanting to have a baby wasn't a phase, I suppose. When she realized I was never going to change my mind, that was enough for her. The best advice I have is to keep yourself honest and really, really think about the direction you want your life to go. I regret that it ended my relationship, but think about how miserable she and I would have been if I had ignored what I knew was my sincere decision on the matter?
I hope with the utmost sincerity that you can talk to your partner about this and come to a decision that keeps you together and continuing to be happy. Sorry if that sounded mostly negative, that was just my own experience. I suppose you have to weigh the worth of a childless life against a life with a child. Good relationships are worth everything in this one life, hold on to it as best you can.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on May 5, 2010 at 4:20pm

I was a little scared of getting people saying "sorry, your relationship is doomed!"

I told him actually before I met him that I don't want to have kids. He seemed OK but later he said he thought I might change my mind. He is from a culture that almost never gets divorced, but also where it is assumed that everyone will have children. I don't know how much of it is cultural and how much is biological. (Men can also get the biological urge to procreate.) I get frustrated b/c I tell him about the costs (it's not financially viable--we live with my parent!), the physicality of pregnancy (and I'm the one who gets to go through it) and how annoying and gross children can be, and most importantly, how screwed up and overpopulated this world is, but I don't think he fully considers what I'm saying.

Basically I know the options are 1 break up 2 stay together with no kid 3 stay together and have a kid. I don't think we are at the point of breaking up. I think it's kind of sad if someone breaks up with their spouse over the possibility of someone they never even met--and they could also miss their relationship and regret it. Getting pregnant is my worst nightmare. I entertain the idea of adopting, which he used to consider, but now it's all about spreading his seed. Obviously I'm hoping for the 2nd option. The danger in that is that it will be a regret or resentment from one partner, but as a male he doesn't have as many biological limitations, and isn't the angry or resentful type.

My aunt and uncle never had a kid b/c my uncle was against the idea, and they have been married for decades and are happy. There have also been people who didn't want to have kids but then grew to love their kid, but I don't want to be taken hostage biologically. Basically, people have certain expectations out of life and things don't always turn out the way they want, but a person still can live a happy life even if things turn out differently.

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on September 5, 2012 at 3:49am

Honestly, it's a lot harder to break up, if you have a kid and he decides later that he doesn't like it/want it/isn't happy with you.

So you have to weigh that as well.

Permalink Reply by damian on May 5, 2010 at 4:21pm

Haven't been in that situation, but Conor had great advice. What he said:) All i can say is don't get into this game of him wearing you down little by little, and making you do something you may regret. It's probably the biggest decision in your life. You can't return a kid. Be 100% sure. If you aren't sure, do not do it. Tricky situation; i wish i had more insight, but i hope everything works out.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on May 5, 2010 at 4:23pm

Oh yeah...I'm not backing down.

"I would do anything for love...but I won't do that!"

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on May 10, 2010 at 5:10pm

I've had a couple of potential dates that I turned down upon learning they ultimately are looking for a baby factory.

Permalink Reply by Jonel Burge on September 5, 2012 at 3:50am

I cannot tell you how many dates I've just plain walked away from when the guy goes "so I want 4 kids, and I've already picked out their naaames..."

NOPE.jpg

Dear god that is more terrifying than the women who pick out their wedding china. THIS GUY HAS ALREADY DECIDED TO INVADE MY UTERUS.

Permalink Reply by Cobbie Tigerpaw on August 5, 2010 at 11:08am

DON'T DO IT if you don't want kids!!! It's not worth it! You'll get have resentment for this person. Also there are so many kids who need homes and the world is overpopulated as it is!!

Permalink Reply by anagama on August 11, 2010 at 11:46pm

I have had two long term relationships (one a marriage) end because I didn't want to have children. I have learned to simply not even start a serious relationship with someone who wants to have children. That said, there are many flavors of childfree, for example:

1) A person might just be missing the procreation gene. People like this are rare, because they tend to not reproduce -- it is obviously a biologically maladaptive trait. This is the type I am.

2) A person might be physically unable to reproduce while wishing he/she could -- for them, the term childless applies best.

3) A person might choose not to have children for ethical reasons (environment/overpopulation or they would pass on a genetic condition).

4) A person might choose to not have children because he/she feels financially unprepared (or unwilling even if stable).

5) A person might choose to not have children because he/she feels emotionally unprepared -- usually just age based.

I'm sure there are many other flavors, and probably, combinations too. Anyway, if the reason is #1, just end it. I know it is a cliche, but there are lots of fish in the sea and losing the one who doesn't match, just means you have a chance to get to the one who does.

If it is #2, which doesn't sound like the case, then couples counseling is probably in order.

If it is #3, you can always come to some compromise, like sell the car, buy a bike and have a kid (but just one so it still results in at least some population reduction). A dangerous genetic condition is more iffy though.

If the reason is mostly #4, well, probably just have a kid. They say you should never get married for tax purposes, and it is probably a corollary that you should never avoid a kid for merely financial reasons. Plenty of poor kids grow up fine.

Finally, if you just aren't emotionally prepared, be honest about that. Maybe you are too young, but be also honest about the potential that you won't ever get there. That said, don't just sit around and wait -- get counseling, read books, whatever -- put yourself in positions where you can experience children and think about parenthood.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on November 14, 2011 at 10:08am

If I do get in another primary relationship I'll make damn sure the person doesn't want to have a baby.

 

The decision is his. I'm not leaving my own house and I'm not kicking him out, but if he feels his life is being ruined, I don't want to live with that kind of guilt.

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on November 14, 2011 at 3:49pm

The decision about breaking up, I mean. Not about babymaking.

Permalink Reply by Steph S. on November 14, 2011 at 2:42pm

I have never had this problem - Conor has good advise on what to do. I hope everything works out OK for you.

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