... but I'm getting really tired of talking to mothers.
About a year ago one of my online friends was pregnant, and she was complaining about morning sickness, and then a few months later about her cravings and how the kid had started kicking her in the bladder and GOD wasn't it awful...
... so I had to ask: if it's so awful, why do women always talk about how amazing being pregnant is?
Immediately she and another woman, who had just moments before been talking about how AWFUL her pregnancy was, said "Oh, but it IS amazing! It's the most wonderful thing ever!"
I listen to you complain about how wretched your pregnancy makes you feel, about what wretched little brats your kids are, and then... the moment I say 'this is why I don't want kids' you flip-flop and tell me it's the best thing in the world, it's so amazing and magical and it's such a miracle! Then they go on to say that it's a pity I don't want kids, I'd be a wonderful mother.
No, I would not. If I wanted a child, perhaps I might be a good mother. But I don't. I have too many ambitious plans for my career. If I had a child, I would have to put things on hold, take time off, spend a lot of money and time taking care of the child... and there would always be a bit of resentment. No matter how much I came to love the child I would always resent it, just a little bit, for all the things I had to give up for it. A child deserves a mother who is happy to give up anything for it. My child would not have that. I would not be a "great mother" just because... what? Because I'm a good teacher, or because I always go out of my way to help my friends?
Then they tell me that the fact that I "worry" about being a good mother means I would probably be one. I'm not *worried* about it. I'm explaining. I don't think about it. It doesn't keep me up at night.
The most irritating comes from my grandmother, and other older, "wiser" women, who tell me I'll change my mind when I'm older. I'm 26. Most of my friends either have babies or want them. Maybe there are a few years left before my "biological clock" start ticking, but...
I have many, many years of school ahead of me. I took a rather circuitous route to where I'm at, and I've got four more years on my current degree at least, I don't know how many more for the PhD I plan to do, and then I'd want to get settled into my career before starting a family (if I wanted one, which I don't)... and that would put me well into my thirties. Sure, women can have children later in life. I was born when my mom was 32. So sure, maybe it would be possible. But I add up the years before I would even consider it, my ambitious plans and the time my career will likely take up, the fact that my boyfriend (who is the most likely candidate for a father) has plans at least as ambitious as mine, the amount of student loan debt we will both have, and the fact that neither of have any desire to have children (see the above comments about resentment) and I think, well, it makes sense for me to say no, I don't plan to have kids.
And then EVERY MOTHER I HAVE EVER TALKED TO ABOUT THIS smiles condescendingly and tells me "Well, you just wait and see."
I don't judge you for having children. Please don't judge me for saying I don't want them.
Hang in there Diana! My husband and I are 55 and 59, childless by choice, and SO happy we made and stuck with our decision. I really do love children and have lots of neices and nephews to entertain me. I can give them back when I've had my fill (usually a few hours) and go back to my happy life.
We have never regretted our decision, not for one second. We had fun fullfilling careers and both retired in our mid 50's. No mortgage because we had no college funds, no grandkids to raise.....;o)
You are using your head to reason this out, and I think you are making the right decision for you. You have many years of hearing what you described ahead of you, believe me. It will stop in your mid 40's though. Then people start talking about their grandkids! I think some of what you are experiencing is jealousy, some resentment, and some genuine concern for your future.
Just wanted to give you a little encouragement. Life isn't all about children, no matter what society tries to make us believe.
I feel exactly the same way! I was not a wanted child. My mother gave birth at 15 & I've felt her resentment for years.
I've known since I was child that I didn't want to be a mommy. I've heard all those things for years. I'll change my mind, clock ticking, I'd be a good mom or my fav you'll fall in love & WANT to bare his children. HA! No I fall in love with a man who doesn't want (anymore) kids.
I'm 35. I do not regret not having children in the slightest. I'm loving life. Do what I want when I want. I see women I went to high school with loading the kids in the minivan while I'm getting in my mustang & I never think "Gee I'm missing out on that". They usually look tired & defeated.
I get asked "So when are you having a little one?" My answer is always "Never." And the judging begins! Women will look at me like I have 3 heads!!
But I don't care. My mom's actually happy no one will ever call her "Grandma". We all have to live with our choices & I couldn't be happier with mine.
Count me as another person who does NOT understand why anyone would want to be pregnant. Everything I've heard about it convinces me that it is horrible! The weird cravings, the morning sickness when you feel like you're dying, the bloating and swelling of various extremities,the constant going to the bathroom, the backaches, and all the rest of it, sound awful to me. Then there's the actual birth process itself, which must be the worst sort of torture, filled with blood and fluids squirting everywhere. Why the hell would I want that? What is so great about pregnancy? Other than the mother being happy about spawning yet another mouth to feed, I can't see anything to like about it.
Oh, and if you think that, after going through 9 months of uncomfortable misery and hours of agony, the mother would be able to get some much-needed sleep--forget it. She has to get up every two or three hours to feed the kid, and deal with an endless round of colic, colds, diaper changes, puking for no reason, and all the other nasty stuff that babies are prone to. Why would I want all that? No, thanks. I would have no patience for it at all.
I liken those breeders to religious folk... making excuses for the bad, preaching the good. As for age, IMO, breeding is best accomplished when in prime breeding age... 18-28, when your back/spine is in top form, and you can still play with all the kids/teens at various physical activities as they grow up. If I had wanted children, it would seem more efficient to pop a few, raise them properly, then move on with the career after, instead of doing career first, then kids...once our bodies are past their prime... as a majority of women over 40, and of all humans, have these back problems. I've never understood the justification behind "supermoms" either... Go to a job, do the house chores, raise the kid... I don't really think it is good for the kids to have such a pattern. But supermoms might be the ones most guilty of trophy breeding, to show just 'how much' they can accomplish, so driven, sigh.
Any time they blabber "Well, you just wait and see" I get the same feeling as "I'll pray for you anyway". As for judging... well, I guess it depends on your reasons. Humans are the most populous large mammal on the planet... there are simply too many of us... so my opinion of people who deny such a scientific reality is, well, rather low.
Making excuses for the bad, preaching the good...
I like that. So true.
What I don't like is the same people who complain about pregnancy and other parental problems getting so offended when you say that is why you don't want to have kids. Some of my friends with kids have understood my reasons, but I did have another friend who claimed she was supportive of my being childfree, who then accused me of hating her children, because I tried to talk to her about the problem of my spouse wanting a baby (years after getting married). Which is kind of something I would have wanted to talk to a friend about, instead of having her publicly accuse me of hating her children.
Another friend who got pregnant at 17, at times admitted she hated kids but thought abortion was murder, would ask me if I ever thought about having kids. Even then I knew it was misery loves company.
There are plenty of people who never heard the tick of the biological clock. The way you hear it, it's this overwhelming, unavoidable desire, but not really.