How To Defend Your Choice To Be Childless

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by B-Girl on April 8, 2010 at 6:14pm

"Notice that the examples given all include "for now" or "for the time being" in them. This works a lot better than just saying flatly, "it's never going to happen, give it up." If you say "for now", it gives them the impression that you haven't completely made up your mind forever, and it will mollify them somewhat."

Oh yeah, that's helpful, let them think you might change your mind, that'll shut them up.

"Give careful and honest consideration to their suggestions."

For me they would have to have some pretty major suggestions, like a cure for the genetic condition I don't want to pass on, and a source for the money for me to be a stay-at-home, home-schooling mom and the money for a nanny to travel with me and take care of the kids while I am having fun (or give me a method of brainwashing that will change my desires, making me think being a soccer-mom is more fun than my current hobby and that the gals in the Mommy & Me class are better than my friends who either have no kids or have (at least mostly) grown kids).

Because of the genetic condition, I don't have close family saying anything to me about kids, and the more distant family I don't see enough for them to question me about kids at all. My parents understand that I don't want the lifestyle of a parent, also.

Most of my friends do not have young kids. Some never had any, some have teenagers, some have grown children. They understand that having kids would not fit my lifestyle, and most of them know that I should not pass on my DNA.

Strangers and acquaintances are where I get pressured, people that have no reason or right (does anyone really have a right? Family is affected by your choice, but even they don't really have a right) to question my decision. They so often say, "You'll change your mind when you get older" or "You might change your mind when you get married." I think a lot of them think I am quite a bit younger than I am (people tend to guess I am in my mid-twenties), I also think they are quite rude for making judgments on
someone they barely know.

-Side note: How often do you hear a child-free by choice person berate a person with kids about their choice to have kids? Not often, hardly ever really. If you do hear it, usually it is more of "Why have a kid now? You are so young (or you aren't married yet, just bought a house, are still in school)".

I am 34 years old, not dating anyone, and don't make enough money to support myself, nevermind a child. I don't have time to change my mind. By the time I am married (I would never choose to be a single parent in this economy), I will be pushing 40; and a woman having a baby at that age puts the child at higher risk for several problems - I would not do that to a child. Even if they "miraculously" came up with a cure for my genetic condition (not only can it be passed on, pregnancy could make it worse for me), and a way to prevent my child from having it too, my desire to have children wouldn't change, as I don't want the parent lifestyle.

I do like this part, "For example, if they call you selfish, you may wish to remind them that some people have children for selfish reasons." Yeppers, some even have them for bragging rights or else we wouldn't have the "My child is an Honor Student at..." bumper stickers. And of course there is the lovely, "Who is gonna take care of me in my old age?" I really don't understand how having children would be the opposite of selfish (giving?). What great contribution to the universe comes from having a child? Any child could be the next Hitler or Manson, just as easily as the next JFK or Einstein. Really each extra body on the planet does some amount of harm to the planet, no matter how "green" they end up living. The child-free are actually giving a gift to the descendants of those that have children by reducing the possible number of people competing for resources. We could really turn this one right around on them!

Permalink Reply by Susan Stanko on April 8, 2010 at 6:59pm

Not only do I not want kids I like being single unfortunately I am signed up for two social networking sites which have turned out to be nothing but glorified dating sites. The guys there just don't understand "no" so, I just ignore them.

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on April 10, 2010 at 1:36pm

"For example, if they call you selfish, you may wish to remind them that some people have children for selfish reasons."

Another definition of selfish: Nagging me to have kids so you can have a grandkid, a niece or nephew, a plaything to babysit...

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on April 27, 2010 at 1:47pm

I notice that usually when someone calls you selfish it's b/c they want you to do something that fits their own interests.

Permalink Reply by Becky on June 9, 2010 at 6:25pm

>Nagging me to have kids so you can have a grandkid, a niece or nephew, a plaything to babysit...

Ugh, this. My family is already insane, but apparently at 19 I'm to be given up for grandkids (fine by me, don't want 'em) and the focus is to be on my 17 year old brother? Yeahhh what? /eyeroll/

Permalink Reply by Prog Rock Girl on April 27, 2010 at 1:59pm

They said it's important to say "child free" rather than "childless". That seems like a silly thing to get hung up on.

Permalink Reply by Susan Stanko on April 27, 2010 at 2:05pm

I guess the implication is that it isn't by choice.

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on May 3, 2010 at 12:09pm

I can see the point.

"Childless" implies you're missing something, lacking, deprived.

"Child free" implies you're free of something that might otherwise drag you down.

Permalink Reply by Jo Jerome on June 25, 2010 at 4:32pm

Here's another top defense: Overpopulation. This planet's number one problem is way, way too many people. And yet even some of my most tree-hugging friends just can't wait to bring more people into the world.

Why? The more I look at it, the more I see other people with their kids and the problems with too many bills and not enough freedom of movement, the more I ask 'Why?'

It's not a hatred of kids, really it's not. But why bring that burden upon oneself? Is it really just a deep biological need to spread one's genes and I just somehow missed out on that need? Is it 'creating a family' as in 'creating a group of people guaranteed to love me?' Because given some of my own family dynamics I missed out on that instinct as well.

Or is it a purely social construct? That we really are worthless nothings unless we have children? That having a child is one's 'greatest accomplishment?'

It's especially hard to express any of this to friends with kids because it will trigger an obvious defensiveness. People have and are entitled to their own reasons to have kids. Including they just happened to get pregnant and either couldn't get or didn't want an abortion. But in the world we live in here and now, I see no good reason to have kids and lots of good reasons not to have them.