ROMP Manifesto

When I was a teenager, 9% of my energy at summer camp and church retreats was spent trying to kiss boys.  That is, I didn't really care.  I was there for fun and games, and it annoyed me when a certain friend would ditch me mid-afternoon for a potential kiss-buddy, so why would I be the same way?

Little did I realize I was one of the few who weren't chased around camp for some lip-lovin' (maybe I was ugly).  At least, that's the way it's made out to be on the Stuff Christians Like blog.  "I’m a dad of two little girls now that will one day go to summer camp or a church retreat. And when they do, some punk kid with a name like “Thayyne” is going to try to make purple with them" [aka "kissing", from the hetersexist assumption that all kisses will be girl-on-boy "pink plus blue"].  Oh noes!  Kids kissing at Jesus camp?  Next thing we know, Thayyne will be offering those little angels some heroin and shooting gonzo films behind the dining hall.

The SCL author then "decided to create something youth ministers and leaders can use to dramatically reduce the amount of making out at camp. Taking lessons from Sun Tzu’s Art of War and Greene’s 48 Laws of Power, I have created the “Reduction Of Making Purple” Manifesto", a list of fascist rules to steer kids thoughts away from making the happy fun times in private.

That got me thinking: what if this situation were reversed?  What if, instead of trying to keep kissing out of Jesus Camp, we tried to keep religion out of Kissing Camp?  After all, if we're going to be teaching these teens how to embrace their own budding sexuality in a safe and healthy way, the last thing we need to expose them to is an unhealthy sense of shame.  So instead of the Reduction of Making Purple Manifesto, I've created the Reduction of Morality Policing Manifesto.

ROMP Manifesto

1. Eliminate wartime propaganda

The SCL list rule #1 is "the butt is not a billboard".  While I question the fashion sense of someone who would wear text on a part of their body usually reserved for kissing couch cushions, I am more concerned about the message itself.  At Kissing Camp, there will be a strict "no Jesus junk" rule.

2. Discourage bad breath
The snack stand will be stocked with gum or mints or other things that are going to make kids’ mouths like Alpine ski resorts of freshness.  Swiss cheese, kippered jerky and other unpleasantly-flavored delights will come with advice to brush afterward.

3. Know your enemy
Engage in some good old-fashioned psychological profiling.  Put a check by the name of everyone you think is likely to proselytize. Go ahead and put a check by any of the pastor’s kids. Don’t be fooled into thinking the kids playing world of warcraft 82 hours a day aren’t going to praise Jesus either.  In fact, you might as well suspect everyone - guilty until proven innocent!

4. Don’t create Gremlins
In the movie, “Gremlins,” the little creatures who were the star of the film got out of control if you fed them after a certain time. I look at kids and alcohol the same way. Those kisses are going to get sloppy if they've had one drink too many!  Save those drinks for yourself, you’re going to need them my friend.

5. Get an informant
You need an inside man.  ...Actually, you probably don't; scratch this one.  You'll hear complaints really quick when someone's make-out session is interrupted with warnings of fire and brimstone.

6. Master the terrain
 On the first day you get to camp, send out advance scouts. Have them analyze the area for cabins your group isn’t using, secluded spots by the lake, tool sheds, etc. Go there first and create a “kiss map”.  Not only can you get a good idea of where you can find everyone in time for supper, you can also make sure everyone's spread out enough to avoid being disrupted by any attempts at public preaching.

7. Make a sacrifice
Instead of making a big deal about all these rules up-front, let someone "sacrifice" their social standing for the good of the camp.  SLC says: "Set a trap for two kids, give them a few seconds to kiss and then spring from the woods with your troops. As punishment, make them wear cow bells for the rest of camp."  Since entrapment isn't ethical for police or camp leaders, I'd ask for some volunteers to pipe up at the beginning of camp session with cries of "dear God, what will Sweet Baby Jesus think of all this?!?"  Combat their attempts at inducing shame with a message of reassurance that there is no Sky Daddy peeking into our personal lives.

8. Never underestimate the "enemy"
It’s sometimes difficult to believe in the kindness of humanity, especially when it comes to smart-ass teenagers.  Resist despair.  If you trust kids to make wise decisions and support them along the way, they'll make you proud by reaching lofty goals you might not have though possible.  It is possible to create a space full of mutual respect and understanding, even when comprised of teens.

9. Work as a team
Don't keep your campers in the dark as to what is going on.  Religious beliefs thrive in ignorance and fear.  The better educated teens are, the better equipped they are to make wise choices, the better they will feel about themselves.

10. Use chemical warfare
Campers don't need to smell like campers.  On day one, use chemical warfare and go around to each dorm and distribute body sprays, colognes and perfumes. Especially take the ridiculous ones like Axe and those new products that promise girls will rip your clothes off if you splash on a few drops of what smells like discount Drakkar or Cool Water cologne.  Sure, it's cheesy, but it's fun!

11. Embrace audio allure
You may not need to bust out the Barry White, but a few good tunes go a long way toward creating a relaxing and inspiring environment.

[Note: This post is about kissing, not fucking.  Don't get your undies in a bunch.]