Psychology Today Article on Porn, Masturbation, and Social Anxiety

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by John D on August 4, 2010 at 8:38am

Hi Anette -

I think there are several problems women have when dealing with men and porn.

For starters, my wife (we are now married 26 years) was very anti-porn when we first got together. She thought she should be able to completely satisfy me and my desires. She also felt that my using porn was similar to my being unfaithful to her. Also, she had concerns that she was not as sexually attractive as the women in the films/mags.

The real situation is that my personal porn use has little impact of our sex life. She has no interest in porn. We don't watch it together as many couples do. I don't spend hours watching films or on the internet either. I am happy with relatively short periods of viewing. It doesn't affect our activities together. I never plan my life around porn.

Once she realized I was the same person she always knew she accepted our situation. I am sure she would rather I never look at the stuff. Well, life is far from perfect. I am not hurting her or messing up our time together. I should have enough free mental space to do what works for me. Everyone has to accept some lack of perfection in their partner. Usually, our concept of perfection is so far from reality it is as big a fantasy as the porn itself.

People sometimes make the mistake of thinking good sex is only possible if you have a perfect figure and great sexual athleticism. This is not true. Porn is an idealized fantasy. Sex with a partner is about touching and smelling and hearing and communicating etc.... Most people can deal with this. As humans, we all take mental trips whether in a book or movie or sexual fantasy. My wife and I have great sex even after being together for almost 30 years (actually it keeps getting better!), and we are not the kind of person you would look twice at. We are just average people with our little flaws and problems.

My advice to you is to be clear with the men you meet. You are not interested in porn. Neither is my wife. This is okay. Tell the guys you meet that you don't find porn interesting, but that they can keep their porn use private. As long as their porn doesn't impact the things you do together it is all good. After all, you wouldn't dream of forcing your boyfriend to read the "Twilight" books...would you? You can read your books on your time... same thing.

And guys... if your lady doesn't like porn, then don't leave it laying around in the open. Exposing your lady to something she is not interested in is like her painting the living room pink. Have some respect.

Permalink Reply by Jezzy on September 23, 2010 at 6:09pm

I would force my boyfriend to read Twilight. :P

Not because it would get me off or anything, but I think it's something we should be able to discuss. I'm not exactly a Twilight-fan (or hater) but the reaction to Twilight can be so hostile (like porn) that we should be able to find a consensus, in which case, he has to probably read it.

I would also paint the living room pink.

Permalink Reply by John D on September 23, 2010 at 7:34pm

The consensus can be "Honey... you go watch Twilight... I'll stay home and jack off!" Everyone is happy. We can still have sex together when you get home!

Permalink Reply by Jen E. on August 6, 2010 at 10:01pm

I agree about "lose the shame, lose the shyness".

I suffer from social anxiety and I am pretty sure that it stems somehow from how I dealt with sex growing up.

I find that if for just a moment I give up feeling dirty and bad because I am sexual, I don't feel so scared of people!

J.

Permalink Reply by Anette on August 10, 2010 at 3:48am

I think Porn is a problem, but it's such a complex issue whenever I get into that conversation, I'm labelled as a prude, a christian fundamentalist(WTF?) or other such nonsense.

People overcoming an addiction, often do feel born again and they want to celebrate this feeling and shout it from the rooftops. it's a natural thing, not a christian thing.

Permalink Reply by Rob van Senten on August 10, 2010 at 6:13am

I think Porn is a problem

I don't think that Porn in itself is the problem, I do however see some attitudes towards pornography that can cause problems. For me, it's the same for gun ownership, it's not the guns which are the problem it's the attitude of people towards violence in combination with gun ownership that causes problems.

People overcoming an addiction, often do feel born again and they want to celebrate this feeling and shout it from the rooftops. it's a natural thing, not a christian thing.

Proselytizing is often the result of overcoming an addiction, preaching about the new found joy and freedom without the addiction can mean that an ex addict is not unlike a proselytizing Christian.

Projection also often occurs, the "ex-addict" sees the problems that he/she was having with the substance/activity and projects this unto others. This often means that they expect other people to be enslaved by the same obsession as they were and that the rest of society therefor needs the same liberation.

Also, it is quite normal for the ex-addict to claim that the problem is the substance/activity itself and that there was nothing wrong with themselves or their behavior. They were helpless against the damning influence of the substance/activity and everybody else has the same risk of falling into that trap, this can often be seen with 12 steppers.

I don't know if this applies to you of course, just some comments in general about ex-addicts.

I get into that conversation, I'm labelled as a prude, a christian fundamentalist(WTF?) or other such nonsense.

Well, it's a lot easier to ridicule you as a person then it is to address your statements. If I were to call you an idiot, then it means that I can totally disregard whatever it is that you say because you are an idiot. It's human behavior to find a reason excuse to completely disregard an opposing opinion without evaluating the validity of the argument.

I wouldn't mind to hear some arguments from you why you think that porn is a problem.

Permalink Reply by Jenni Manwaring on August 19, 2010 at 4:04pm

Now here's a thought - what if the social anxiety came first, not the other way around? That may have something to do with the association....just a thought.

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