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Does race play a role in your relationships?

Does race play a role in who you choose to befriend or date?

I grew up in a moderately racists family. To be honest, there were not a lot of minorities around me when I was young, and I can remember actually being afraid the first time I touched a black kid. I thought that the black would actually “rub off on me”. (The things adults tell kids.)

My father was the worse, and constantly used words like nigger, jigaboo, spic, and chink. Knowing I was gay at an early age, and hearing the condescending words used towards gay people, I had the sense to know that if I didn’t like being called faggot, then it did not behoove me to use derogatory language towards others.

I have always been the most open-minded, multi-cultural person in my entire family. I have not only eaten food, read texts, and listened to music from all over the world, I have also had the greatest number of multi-racial friends and sex partners.

My gay uncle, my father’s brother, is about 27 years older than me. He once told me that he did like black men, but that he would never date a black man. So in other words, he’d sleep with one in the privacy of his own home, but never been seen with one in public. Quite a shame, really.

I’m not that way at all. If I like a man, his race is irrelevant to me, and I would not be ashamed of his race in any way.

Strangely, though, race does not affect WHO I am attracted to, but it does reflect HOW I am attracted to them. Let me explain: I like big, strong, muscular black men, but I don’t like the thin, slender, boyish types. However, with white men, I don’t like the big, strong ones, but prefer from lean and muscular to thin and whispy. For Hispanic men, I can tolerate a little more body fat, which I don’t generally like, than I can in the other two types. For Asian men, I prefer the tall, thin, and whispy types. However, my sexual response to these types also differs. I almost have a fetish about race types.

However, the one point I want to discuss in detail here is the difference between religious and non-religious people towards interracial dating and marriage.

My observations have been that the religious types (and other conservatives) are quite often hostile to interracial dating and marriage, while reasonable people, atheists, and liberals are not. I also think that income influences this as well. Among the prosperous, there seems to be very little interracial dating. Stand outside one of these affluent, white-collar churches, and you’ll never see mixed couples coming or going. Though, I don’t think you’d see a lot of that at low-income, minority churches either.

What have been your observations on this? Does race affect who you choose to socialize with, or who you sleep with? Would you feel comfortable in an open, interracial relationship?

Tags: african-american, asian, bigotry, dating, latino, marriage, nationality, race, sexuality

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on February 1, 2010 at 1:29pm

Politically Correct. Less key strokes are easier on the hands.

Sorry, I knew what you meant by PC. I was just curious if you meant a specific comment, that's all.

Permalink Reply by Double Standards??? on February 1, 2010 at 1:35pm

My six observations.

Permalink Reply by Double Standards??? on February 1, 2010 at 1:15pm

And if anybody wants to criticize anything I post on any thread, read the entire post. Don't nitpick small parts out of it and distort the point that I'm making.

Permalink Reply by Tom Thompson on February 2, 2010 at 1:55pm

I am not offended by your posts but I perceive that you are spoiling for a fight. It sounds like you have some kind of point you're trying to make which has nothing to do with the original topic.

Why don't we concentrate on what he have in common and what we can do to build bridges where we don't have something in common. Generalizing and propagating cultural myths help no one.

Permalink Reply by Double Standards??? on February 2, 2010 at 4:08pm

@Tom, actually my point has everything to do with the topic "Does race play a role in your relationships?" I don't hear you telling Goddess that she is going off topic which she is.

Permalink Reply by Tom Thompson on February 2, 2010 at 8:45pm

What exactly is your point in this discussion?

Permalink Reply by Goddess of the Vibes on February 2, 2010 at 4:30pm

Wow, okay.. you don't think it's sexist to refer to a woman as a dog because you find her unattractive? You deem she doesn't measure up to the level of attractiveness that a woman "should" have (according to your opinion), so she becomes a "dog" to you. That's pretty freakin sexist, and it's amazing to me that you don't think so. That's a pretty huge blind spot, but that to me is just evidence of how our culture/s ingrain this stuff into us. All you have to do is turn on the TV and watch five minutes to understand where that kind of attitude comes from. Our cultural programming makes racism okay, violence against women okay, hate of gays and lesbians okay.

Also, this is not a personal issue. What you have said is offensive to all women, IMO, because it implies that a woman has to measure up to some kind of ideal of beauty decided by others (ie men) to be considered a person instead of a dog. And the irony of this is that this kind of thinking makes her a piece of meat anyhow, no matter how she looks. As a former model and woman who kinda sorta measures up to the ideal when I put a little effort into my "presentation," I've recognized that a lot of guys only want to date a good-looking woman because it makes them look good somehow, like having a fancy sports car or something. Their interest in you as a person stops at skin depth. Maybe this is something like what you were saying about attractive white women only dating wealthy or professional black men? There's another side to that coin.

I can understand why you're being so defensive. You might feel a bit humiliated or embarrassed being called sexist, but what you don't seem to understand is that you said the words to create humiliation out there in the world by calling women "dogs." You can take responsibility for that, or not. So far, it seems your choice is "not," but whether or not you consciously take responsibility for it, you are absolutely responsible for what you say and what you do. And calling me the "feminist thought police" is classic. Of course, I'm "too sensitive." Maybe you're "too sensitive" about race issues? Hilarious.. you're a pot calling me, the kettle, black.

I'm really not looking for a fight here, but there are some things I can't just pretend I didn't read. Not calling it means you think its okay, and I don't. We are all accountable for what we say here and I think if you want to be politically and culturally aware, you can't stop at race issues and not include gender issues. I'd have the same criticism for a feminist who thought racism was okay. We all have blind spots, we all are products of our cultures. Its up to us to wake the hell up though, and take responsibility for whether whether or how we perpetuate the oppression within it.

I am happy to discuss this further off the board if you like. I don't want to hijack the whole discussion board and get too far away from the original topic so PM me if you're up for it.

Peace.

Permalink Reply by Double Standards??? on February 2, 2010 at 5:59pm

"I can understand why you're being so defensive. You might feel a bit humiliated or embarrassed being called sexist, but what you don't seem to understand is that you said the words to create humiliation out there in the world by calling women 'dogs.'"

Goddess, I wasn't being defensive. I didn't call women dogs. I said:

"-I've observed the profiles of female members of interacial meetup.com groups from different cities across the US. Most of the white female members are either fat or dogs."

"I don't want to hijack the whole discussion board and get too far away from the original topic so PM me if you're up for it."

I'm up for it. I'll PM you or you can PM me.

Permalink Reply by Tom Thompson on January 31, 2010 at 1:08pm

I choose not to recognize race. The consensus among sociologists is, in my understanding, that race is a cultural construct and that it is impossible to define specific races. We all share common ancestors and our skin color is simply a result of our environment. That isn't to say that bigotry and discrimination do not exist. We all seem to be more comfortable around people who look like us and have the same traditions as us.

With that in mind I would argue that everyone is racist in that everyone gives preference to those they have more affinity with. Primary loyalties go to family. Secondary loyalties go to community (what some might call race). Loyalties to species seem way down the ladder for many humans.

In conclusion, to answer the original question, I would say that cultural differences certainly do affect my relationships with other people. Whenever there are cultural differences there is greater risk of misunderstandings or offense. Skin color is one of the factors of attractiveness for everyone, I would suppose, but it isn't a negative one speaking personally.

Permalink Reply by Dallas the Phallus on January 31, 2010 at 1:13pm

Good response, and so true about how our loyalties play out. We are all tribalists, I suppose.

Permalink Reply by Ally on February 2, 2010 at 5:01pm

Yeah Tom!
Precisely!
I agree with you on all points! as a pasty white girl with only tenuous tribal connections; I would love to see more education - worldwide - about our common mutual ancestry. My quick answer to you Dallas is Nope!
I'm Canadian - I grew up in a very diverse neighbourhood where many of my friends spoke different languages at home. I was introduced to "ethnic" foods first as a kid at friends houses, and then hangin out with colleagues from college or work. I have been the only pale-face in the room at a few jobs - I never felt weird about it - that had just always been my reality.
I am attracted to people of all nationalities, and I have dated / hooked- up / flrited with all sorts. Chinese / First Nations / African / South Asian.
Apparently Canadians are most likely to marry someone of a different "race" or religion - (I'll look that study up) so I get that my experience is quite different from people elsewhere - in small towns near by, and cloistered suburbanites in the same city!
In response to an earlier comment (sorry I don't recall who) Black Male / Asian Female pairings are super common, in my experience.
Interacial couples are no big deal here at least for me and my friends. I'm 40, so I grew up in the full on Trudeau Era Multiculturalism Propaganda age and I'm OK with that. Perhaps that is why I don't care?

Permalink Reply by Double Standards??? on February 2, 2010 at 5:56pm

I don't want to hear this crap that Canadians are less racist. I can give numerous examples of racism in Canada especially towards Aboriginal peoples.