Does race play a role in who you choose to befriend or date?

I grew up in a moderately racists family. To be honest, there were not a lot of minorities around me when I was young, and I can remember actually being afraid the first time I touched a black kid. I thought that the black would actually “rub off on me”. (The things adults tell kids.)

My father was the worse, and constantly used words like nigger, jigaboo, spic, and chink. Knowing I was gay at an early age, and hearing the condescending words used towards gay people, I had the sense to know that if I didn’t like being called faggot, then it did not behoove me to use derogatory language towards others.

I have always been the most open-minded, multi-cultural person in my entire family. I have not only eaten food, read texts, and listened to music from all over the world, I have also had the greatest number of multi-racial friends and sex partners.

My gay uncle, my father’s brother, is about 27 years older than me. He once told me that he did like black men, but that he would never date a black man. So in other words, he’d sleep with one in the privacy of his own home, but never been seen with one in public. Quite a shame, really.

I’m not that way at all. If I like a man, his race is irrelevant to me, and I would not be ashamed of his race in any way.

Strangely, though, race does not affect WHO I am attracted to, but it does reflect HOW I am attracted to them. Let me explain: I like big, strong, muscular black men, but I don’t like the thin, slender, boyish types. However, with white men, I don’t like the big, strong ones, but prefer from lean and muscular to thin and whispy. For Hispanic men, I can tolerate a little more body fat, which I don’t generally like, than I can in the other two types. For Asian men, I prefer the tall, thin, and whispy types. However, my sexual response to these types also differs. I almost have a fetish about race types.

However, the one point I want to discuss in detail here is the difference between religious and non-religious people towards interracial dating and marriage.

My observations have been that the religious types (and other conservatives) are quite often hostile to interracial dating and marriage, while reasonable people, atheists, and liberals are not. I also think that income influences this as well. Among the prosperous, there seems to be very little interracial dating. Stand outside one of these affluent, white-collar churches, and you’ll never see mixed couples coming or going. Though, I don’t think you’d see a lot of that at low-income, minority churches either.

What have been your observations on this? Does race affect who you choose to socialize with, or who you sleep with? Would you feel comfortable in an open, interracial relationship?

Tags: african-american, asian, bigotry, dating, latino, marriage, nationality, race, sexuality

Views: 541

Replies to This Discussion

Why are you attacking Ally? I'm beginning to suspect that you are a troll Blackman. Ally didn't claim that race based discrimination does not exist in Canada. She cited a study that found that Canadians are more likely to have a multiracial/multicultural spouse than other countries.

Have you ever lived in Canada? If not you really have no basis for speculating about this. I have lived in Canada and I can say without hesitation that cultural tolerance in Canada is, in many places, way ahead of anywhere I've had the privilege to visit in the USA.

One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument

Blackman, many of your posts seem to be phrased for maximum antagonism. This is why I suspect you of being a troll. I asked previously what your point in this discussion is and I'd appreciate an answer to that question, to either prove or disprove my suspicion.

"What your ethnic heritage Tom?"

Under any other circumstance I'd be happy to discuss my heritage with you but you might as easily have viewed my profile for an answer and the fact that you're asking this question along with all of your other comments leads me to suspect that you have a grudge against anyone who does not share your cultural identity.
Tom, could you stay on topic please. :)
"A troll is a member of a race of fearsome creatures from Norse mythology."
"I'm beginning to suspect that you are a troll Blackman."

Tom, I suspect you are extremely paranoid and need to stay on topic. I've been a very active member of A/N since December not that I need to prove anything to you. Yes, I have been to Canada. Do you know what the incareration rate of First Nations people are in culturally tolerant Canada? I posted it on another thread when some Australian claimed that Australia was a tolerant country. I guess they forgot about the race riots that have plagued their tolerant country for years.

Is there an unofficial competition amongst white people to prove who's culture/country is less racist than other white peoples? Northern whites in the US to this day still think they are less racist than Southerners. Bullshit! Its called denial! Tom, have you ever lived in rural Pennsylvania? I have. It's like the Deep South. PA has the 4th largest death row population in the US. 70% of PA death inmates are black or Latino, most of them from urban Philadelphia.
Ummm did you read my entire post? B/c No Where do I claim that Canadians are less Racist! In fact I actually point out that I grew up in pretty unique circumstances compared to other people in the Same City.
As for "Aboriginals" the people I know prefer to be called "First Nations" because it points to the truth that there were Many Nations occupying this land before europeans "Discovered it." And as Tom points out I was talking about a study showing "mixed" marriages being more common in Canada.
This was all background as to why race isn't really a factor in my relationships.
That's all.
First Nations is a term of ethnicity that refers to the Aboriginal peoples in Canada who are neither Inuit nor Métis.

Aboriginal peoples in Canada
I've never cared about "race" like that. So I've had (and have) friends of diverse ethnic/racial backgrounds and I've dated/bedded men regardless of "race". There is beauty everywhere.

I'm very similar to that.

Unfortunately, the pickings for me are slim because blacks are still on the bottom of the list of desirability in the minds of way too many people including those who swear they aren't racist. It's worse in the gay "community" it seems than the straight world.

I know there is racism everywhere, but I don't see a lot of it. Probably because I don't socialize much. In my case, I don't care what other people think of my partner -- if I had one. If I really, really like him and he likes me, that is all that matters. I would never be embarassed or ashamed or shy or anything like that about dating a man of a different race. If people don't approve, they can go eff themselves.
"If people don't approve, they can go eff themselves."

Interesting comments, Stephanie.. I can't help but point out there is huge subjugation of women as well as homophobia happening in a lot of hip hop cultural representations, music and videos. Funny, given how hip hop had risen up out of resistence to racist and classist oppression, yet many artists have just capitalized on, forwarded or replicated the oppression against women and/or gays. You've noted the hip hop you like is "neo".. is this to distinguish it from the hate-mongering type of hip hop? Another term is "conscious" or "political" hip hop.
Digable Planets, Debbie Young, Eryka Badu, Roots, K-Os, K'Naan, Dead Prez, Lauren Hill, NWA, Fugees, and tons of other bands not coming to mind right now can be described as such.

I kinda thought dating women and people of colour would mean more equality and less power skew bullsh*t as well, but this has not always been the case.. I have been surprised at the heterosexist oppression within both same sex and bi-racial relationships. It has me curious about my own cultural programming, the degree to which I subscribe or don't subscribe, the degree to which I'm clued in or out, and how this might show up in my relationships.

Some might think I'm digressing here but I really think context is important and looking at cultural representations of social dynamics are clues to what's going on and of course how these factors can influence the relationship choices we make.. I think that's what BlackMan was getting at too, looking at what the cultural contexts are to dating out of one's ethnic group. One is of course, racism, but another is sexism, and of course they intersect at times.

Have you experienced sexism less often in relationships with men of colour? If so, why do you think that is?
While I would be comfortable in an interracial relationship, I don't think I've ever been attracted to anything but white girls and Mexicans. I'm probably too narcissistic to do otherwise. Most of my gfs could pass as my sibling.
Lol! At least he admits it..


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