Does race play a role in who you choose to befriend or date?

I grew up in a moderately racists family. To be honest, there were not a lot of minorities around me when I was young, and I can remember actually being afraid the first time I touched a black kid. I thought that the black would actually “rub off on me”. (The things adults tell kids.)

My father was the worse, and constantly used words like nigger, jigaboo, spic, and chink. Knowing I was gay at an early age, and hearing the condescending words used towards gay people, I had the sense to know that if I didn’t like being called faggot, then it did not behoove me to use derogatory language towards others.

I have always been the most open-minded, multi-cultural person in my entire family. I have not only eaten food, read texts, and listened to music from all over the world, I have also had the greatest number of multi-racial friends and sex partners.

My gay uncle, my father’s brother, is about 27 years older than me. He once told me that he did like black men, but that he would never date a black man. So in other words, he’d sleep with one in the privacy of his own home, but never been seen with one in public. Quite a shame, really.

I’m not that way at all. If I like a man, his race is irrelevant to me, and I would not be ashamed of his race in any way.

Strangely, though, race does not affect WHO I am attracted to, but it does reflect HOW I am attracted to them. Let me explain: I like big, strong, muscular black men, but I don’t like the thin, slender, boyish types. However, with white men, I don’t like the big, strong ones, but prefer from lean and muscular to thin and whispy. For Hispanic men, I can tolerate a little more body fat, which I don’t generally like, than I can in the other two types. For Asian men, I prefer the tall, thin, and whispy types. However, my sexual response to these types also differs. I almost have a fetish about race types.

However, the one point I want to discuss in detail here is the difference between religious and non-religious people towards interracial dating and marriage.

My observations have been that the religious types (and other conservatives) are quite often hostile to interracial dating and marriage, while reasonable people, atheists, and liberals are not. I also think that income influences this as well. Among the prosperous, there seems to be very little interracial dating. Stand outside one of these affluent, white-collar churches, and you’ll never see mixed couples coming or going. Though, I don’t think you’d see a lot of that at low-income, minority churches either.

What have been your observations on this? Does race affect who you choose to socialize with, or who you sleep with? Would you feel comfortable in an open, interracial relationship?

Tags: african-american, asian, bigotry, dating, latino, marriage, nationality, race, sexuality

Views: 386

Replies to This Discussion

I second the thought about doing away with reducing women or anyone else to "dogs" or whatever because one may be of the opinion that they are unattractive. This is dehumanizing. It reminds me of those hateful bumper stickers you used to see around in the 90's: "No fat chicks". I always fought the urge to key the paint on those cars..

The idea of attractiveness is incredibly subjective anyway. Yes, there seems to be a kind of generic standard for beauty, but this changes with culture and era. What you see in magazines nowadays is concerning.. many of those girls look as though they are going to crumple up and blow away at any moment, and this is partly about the eroticizing of vulnerability as in the "easy prey" type of idea, as well as in the interest of marketing tons of clothing and products. If women are kept insecure about their appearances, there's a whole lotta money to be made..

I once had an interracial relationship with a black woman who was so damned handsome I could hardly stand it. By conventional evaluations of her beauty she would have appeared unattractive to some as she had a more masculine face. In fact, once we were enjoying breakfast in a Montreal restaurant and this white guy in a suit was just giving us the weirdest looks, staring, exaggerated grins, etc. We just thought: OK, what a weirdo. Before he left the restaurant he came over to make an ass of himself: lectured us about how black men shouldn't be with white women. We nearly peed ourselves laughing, given how it would have completely turned his world upside down if he'd known she was a girl.

I've had relationships with women and men of different ethnicities and socioeconomic echelons. They have all been beautiful to me. It might just be someone's eyes, mouth or jaw, their energy or what their eyebrows do when their fired up that get me. Last year I dated this absolutely statuesque white guy who nearly caused traffic accidents, but I couldn't stay with him because we weren't well matched where it counted for me. Generic attractiveness is only interesting for the first little while. You've got to have character, compassion, intelligence and humour to sustain anything deeper in my books, and those factors are what are most attractive to me.
Goddess oh please. This has nothing to do with feminism. I anticipated that some insecure women or guilty men would reply and personalize what I said. Ok, replace the word "dog" with "unattractive" or start a thread about what you wrote in the first two paragraphs of your post in the Feminist Atheist group.

My post was in response to David's comment "Unfortunately, the pickings for me are slim because blacks are still on the bottom of the list of desirability in the minds of way too many people including those who swear they aren't racist. It's worse in the gay "community" it seems than the straight world."
?? Why would you assume I am insecure, especially since I called you on your sexism? I'm holding you accountable for what you said, and offering some cultural context to your "assessment." As for feminism, I thought it was cool that you had joined the feminism group, you said you were interested in learning something about it. I know this is not the feminism group, but do you not call racism where and when you see it? Would that be "nitpicking" to you? Why is calling sexism "nitpicking" and calling racism not?

Did you not read the rest of my thread? In yours, I got what you were saying. You were identifying racism that you see in black/white relationships. I am totally backing you up on that. I've been in several b/w relationships, and experienced it as directly as a white person can. It was a shock to me to see the expressions on some people's faces sometimes on the sidewalks, looking at my partner and I, but mostly at my partner. I wouldn't have seen that if I was walking by myself, because as a white woman, I get to float around in a bubble without directly experiencing racism most of the time (unless some other white person says something stupid). But the thing is, I see racism and sexism and homophobia as different heads of the same monster, and whenever I see it, I call it. Lily Walker said it:

"If you are here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you come here because your liberation is bound up in mine, then let us begin."

-Lily Walker, Australian Aboriginal activist
"?? Why would you assume I am insecure, especially since I called you on your sexism?"

How am I sexist? What are you calling me out on? I'm sexist because you are personalizing a comment I made. *rolleyes*

A little advice. One thing that turns many people male and female off from feminism are the hypersensitive, extremist, PC, feminist thought police who turn personal issues into phony gender issues.

I see racism and sexism and homophobia as different heads of the same monster...

I don't because white women and white queers are the oppressor and in power. White women have the protection of their priveleged fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends; law enforcement and the criminal injustice system.
Blackman: I don't because white women and white queers are the oppressor and in power.

Blackman, I can assure this white queer has no intention of being an oppressor of anyone, nor do I have any power to do so.

Yes, there are racist bigots who are female and/or gay, but that is not universally true. There are black bigots, too.
"There are black bigots, too."

Gaytheist, I know their are plenty of homophobic, sexist blacks. The apathy of members of the black clergy towards people with HIV and unwillingness to educate the black community about the spread of HIV is apaulling.

Black women are abused by black partners and fathers everyday like every other culture. Someone already mentioned hip-hop culture.
The apathy of members of the black clergy towards people with HIV and unwillingness to educate the black community about the spread of HIV is apaulling.

Yes, that is appalling.

Black women are abused by black partners and fathers everyday like every other culture. Someone already mentioned hip-hop culture.

Well, if this proves anything, it is that issues of racism, sexism, or just plain being-an-asshole-ism are not confined to any particular race, nationality, gender, orientation, or anything. They are human problems, plain and simple. There is no group of people on this earth who are purely innocent. We all suck ass, and that's the truth!
If anyone is offended by my post its because its the truth. Most people are to PC to admit the obvious.
To what are your referring?
My original post that started our two person discussion.
I meant what specific comment?

IDK, I don't like using the term PC, because it is almost a joke, like saying person of reduced stature instead of short.

But in general, one can be honest without being rude. I'm not saying you were rude. I wasn't offened by anything. But I am saying that some people equate rudeness with honesty. I do not.
Politically Correct. Less key strokes are easier on the hands.

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