I've only done some of these things, but have experienced them all with other people, or have heard these from friends/acquaintances.
1. Don't talk. Never talk about your relationship. Don't talk about boundaries, expectations, comfort zones. Never talk about the relationship unless something goes wrong. Don't ever talk about how much it means to you.
2. Don't find out if your prospective lover's (I use this as a term for committed relationships) partner (seems to always be just one, yes?) is actually enthusiastic about their partner/spouse/lover getting involved with you. Don't meet them. Don't talk with them. Don't get to know them.
I could go on and on, but I'm sure other people have things to contribute, and I don't want to hog the litany.
I laugh because one of my prospectives came to stay with us for what was supposed to be a couple of weeks... we asked him to move on after three months, after he'd drank every last drop of alcohol in the house (including the rice cooking wine... yuk!), started yelling at me, and began to hear people in the teevee talking to him. He made very feeble attempts to do dishes a couple of times (didn't use soap or hot water... or actually, didn't do much other than rinse them in cold water.... yuk!), but other than that, would get resentful when I'd ask for help around the house, or in the yard. He also started having issues with me being an atheist. His parting shot, as he was storming down the road in the wrong direction? "Sorry, I'm not an ATHEIST!"
Well, duh.... I knew that in the first place. I just didn't know that you were mentally ill to such a degree, and refused to get help.
wow that sounds kinda familiar.... he was a little more use full....at least we could browbeat him into doing the dishes and vacuuming. And while not crazy, he has a very mild form of Asperger. Which I understood, but he...never...shut...up....ever...at least he isn't much of a drinker.
Wow. Yes. I think this is a hard one. Did this get resolved by divorce?
Did you know he is 99% gay when you got married? I suspect that you had made agreements about polyamory, but he wasn't actually ok with it when push came to shove?
The last two monogamous men I got involved with suggested they had no problem with me being polyamorous, but when it came down to the wire, they freaked out. I'm sure I could have communicated even better what "polyamorous" meant to me, but I'm also sure that a lot of people can be intellectually sure about something, but emotionally they don't know until they are faced with a specific situation.
This is why I don't get involved with avowed monogamous people anymore. I'm still learning to ask more specific questions.
I didn't know he was 99% gay but I should have. He claimed to be bisexual, and since I am, too, it seemed completely reasonable to me. We didn't have much sex pre-marriage except with the male partner we shared. After marriage, sex almost disappeared - at first this was blamed on his health issues and later blamed on me not being the woman he married and me becoming unattractive. He also blamed it on the house not being clean enough for him to feel desire. I'm serious, the place wasn't a sty and he didn't participate in cleaning it. One time, finding a cat hair on the baseboard in the bathroom was enough to "completely kill the mood." He blamed it on any number of things other than that he didn't feel sexual desire for the female body. About six years into the relationship (our fifth wedding anniversary) he admitted that he was gay.
Then he decided he was going to explore his sexuality - which he did. But he made it clear that even though we weren't having any sex, I couldn't seek it elsewhere. While I was fine with him having lovers because obviously I couldn't be a man for him, I chafed under the restriction of me not being able to have any lover at all for several years.
Ack - I'll go into more depth later - I just realized the time and I should have already left my house to be somewhere!