I was wondering if anyone else has been in this situation. I've been in a few different extramarital relationships. My spouse has made out with a few girls but otherwise hasn't been actively non-monogamous. He works a lot more than me and other than that hasn't had a lot of luck meeting sane women. Maybe this has given me less experience dealing with jealousy, although I think I've dealt with jealousy through other situations. (I wonder if I'd actually feel equalized if he had another relationship!) When he's met and gotten to like the people I've dated, he is completely cool with them. Has anyone else been in this situation?

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Yes, my wife has more "friends" then I do. About 2 to 1. I think it is easier for women to find men that are ok with the open marriage/poly arrangement that we have. When I try to explain it to a women a lot of the time they think I am just giving them a line and just cheating. We have meet most of each others friends. Most of the time it works out ok but sometimes it is a little awkward. My current friend for instance meet my wife at a Halloween party and was a little uncomfortable. She knew our situation but meeting my wife face to face she got a little nervous. . .all the baggage that society programs you to feel and the "proper" response you should have I guess.

Finding sane people is HARD!! In our society sex is so taboo and not talked about directly that it seems to attract the crazies. Actually finding someone to have just sex with is easy, but finding someone who is sane, can be a friend, and has a sexual attraction to each other is hard.

Also I seem to do MUCH more "hunting" to find my friends then she does. . . And no I am not a troll or have an unpleasant body odor. . . :-P I think it is the roles that society puts on men and women that make it this way. I know there are exceptions but for the most part the role of the male is to hunt and drag the female back to the cave. . . It bugs me, but it is what it is. . .

Plus, he might be ok with the poly lifestyle, but just not that interested in actively pursuing it right now. I know that both my wife and I go through more active and less active phases. And not always at the same time. I guess that is part of the benefits of being open/poly. I think we have less tension in our relationship because of this too!! You don't just have one partner/friend to bug. . . ;-)

So, yes, we have seen in our relationship some of what you are experiencing. It is not a bad thing unless one of you is uncomfortable with it. Talk, and keep good communication open is the key.
I always thought men had an easier time finding women! At least, men are more likely to remarry when there are divorces. But in poly, maybe it is easier for women (not to mention more female bisexuality). I guess there are more men who don't care if the woman is married, and women who want the relationship to end in marriage (some of my male friends have had girlfriends who got jealous of the wife).

People have different degrees of poly-ness, and his might be lower than mine, and maybe he just accepts the way I am even if he doesn't have a huge drive to be that way himself.

Meeting sane casual-sex partners I think is much harder too. And that is mostly what he'd be into if anything. Not that everyone looking for sex partners is a monster, but when it's no strings attached, and you might never see the person again, they might not have a person's best interests in mind.

One couple I am friends with, the husband is MUCH more active than the wife. When they started dating he wanted to try out poly and swinging, so she tried it too but after a few years realizes it isn't what she wants, and she was kind of going along with it.
You know, I guess it is all depends on what you are looking for also. Yes, there are more men and Bi women out there that are ok meeting a married women. But I think I am a little more picky then my wife also in who I want as a poly friend. I actually look for someone that can be a friend, not just a one night stand or a pure NSA encounter. Also, I have run into MANY women that are out hunting to cheat, and I don't play that game. If I was only after sex and didn't care I would have a much easier time finding people.

My wife is more interested in "the human experience" and likes to try different people. She likes to experience the variety and different expressions people show in a sexual encounter. So, even if someone would not be a friend in any other area of her life, if you intrigue her. . .

Everyone has a different pace in life. Everyone has different tastes too. I don't see anything wrong with different activity levels in anything.
But in poly, maybe it is easier for women (not to mention more female bisexuality).

I certainly haven't taken a poll, but I see an awful lot of bi women who state that they are more attracted to men, or only sexually attracted to women.

One couple I am friends with, the husband is MUCH more active than the wife. When they started dating he wanted to try out poly and swinging, so she tried it too but after a few years realizes it isn't what she wants, and she was kind of going along with it.

I wonder how many women are just going along. I once met a man who wanted to get involved with me, but stated that his wife had a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. That may have been true, but I don't want to get involved with someone who has a partner that I can't talk with.
Finding sane people is HARD!! In our society sex is so taboo and not talked about directly that it seems to attract the crazies. Actually finding someone to have just sex with is easy, but finding someone who is sane, can be a friend, and has a sexual attraction to each other is hard.


Yes!

I know there are exceptions but for the most part the role of the male is to hunt and drag the female back to the cave. . . It bugs me, but it is what it is. . .


I find it equally hard to meet women, and lately, almost as hard to meet men. I hear a lot of men giving lip service to wanting to meet assertive women, but when they do, they run screaming in the other direction, or they assume I'm dominant and want me to sexually humiliate them. Not my cuppa.

I can't tell you how many men I contacted via OKCupid back when I was much more active there who write things like "Will respond to everyone.", but they don't. Or, they'll complain about not being contacted by women when I actually did contact them. If they're looking for a thin, blond, white woman 20 years their junior, they should state so in their profile and not waste my time.

Talk, and keep good communication open is the key.

Yes indeed!
Yes, I've definitely had more people opportunities than my bidie-in. He's very shy, and works a lot, so that's pretty much a double whammy that keeps him from searching. We also live in a rural area, so that makes it harder for us both. There just aren't enough people of like mind in the area.

It always makes me laugh when I see a profile on a dating/social networking site where someone states that they aren't interested in searching outside of a ten mile radius. I'd rather not get involved with someone who (add a couple of zeros) lives outside of a 100 mile radius, but I have had long distance relationships, and wouldn't mind doing so again if the situation warranted it.

Anyhow, my sweet patootie has been lovely when I've been involved with other people. Unfortunately, with one exception, they've been the problem, which is why none of those relationships lasted very long.
I don't know how many are into the couples-seeking-a-woman thing. I think a lot of people are put off by it. If something evolved that way it would be OK, but there are so many couples looking for an extra woman, and this is not possible b/c of sex ratio. I've been approached by couples, even though I'm in a couple. Now when I see couples advertising that they want an extra woman, I usually think "good luck with that".
I personally get tired of some want ads looking for the elusive HBB (Hot Bi Babe). At least some of the time, I get the feeling that hubby wrote the profile/want ad and wifie was coerced into the situation. In the past, I was approached by couples, and while I was attracted to one, I wasn't attracted to the other. Since they came as a package deal, that pretty much meant that I couldn't even develop a friendship with the other, since they were so intent on me bedding both of them.
I've been in similar situations, usually on the side of the low quantity party.
For me Poly is mostly an ethical choice. I truly believe that humans weren't meant to be monogamous as a species.
That being said, 85% of the time, 1 woman is plenty for me. I don't go out cruising for strange, or actively seek out additional partners, but if I happen upon someone that I click with emotionally, I feel I'd be remiss not to follow that connection to where ever it leads. And I don't begrudge my lovers of doing the same.
This has led to a great many situations where one of my partners has had a great deal more opportunity to exercise poly relations than me. It doesn't bother me, (in fact it would bother me more to know they had these connections and didn't follow them), I guess I'm built like a camel when it comes to poly, and I don't feel it would be right to judge my lovers for having a larger appetite than mine(in fact, by my estimation, that defeats the whole point).
Ultimately, as long as communication stays open, and the answer to the question of "Do you love me?" is yes, I'm pretty much cool with whatever they do. If either of those things is missing is when its time to move on.
I do think one reason for monogamy is b/c of the male/female sex ratio. In polygamous societies where either men have multiple wives, or women have multiple husbands, the extra males or females are gotten rid of in some way.
Heh. Traded to a neighboring group? "Gotten rid of in some way" sounds so... ominous.
Well it is ominous! Societies that had women with multiple husbands practiced female infanticide, and polygamous Mormon sects shun a lot of teenage males.

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