So my wife and I are almost completely closeted to our college friends about our poly and open relationship. We had briefly mentioned something to our roommate but either she didn't pick it up or glossed it over. I do want our relationship dynamic to be more open. But my wife had to ended up telling her best friend in order to let her know about "boy issues". I am glad she did and wouldn't mind expanding the small circle but I don't know really how to, or if it's even their business and if they even need to know. I know I don't want a big "hey everyone we see other people".

Was just a thought and question, how can I come out without aienating my friends?

Tags: poly

Views: 49

Replies to This Discussion

Sarah's advice seems a lot more gentle than my input. Well put, Sarah!
I'm definitely on a need-to-know basis, or tell people that I know would be accepting. Most of the people I deliberately hang out with (as opposed to classmates, coworkers) know. There are a few friends who were coworkers or who are from a more conservative culture but even with them I might drop some hints, like "I don't care if someone checks out my husband--I'm flattered!" (and also that I don't care if he checks out or dances with someone else.) Some of my other poly friends say things like "I won't date someone who can't introduce me as his girlfriend/boyfriend", but I just don't feel like getting shit from people, being asked "so you don't love your husband?" and all that. I'm probably not going to change their mind and I don't see the point of setting myself up for that. When my boyfriend came to visit me at school I mostly just introduced him by his name and interacted in a way that didn't feel distant, but at the same time wasn't makeout-y. He said he was fine with how I handled it.
I would think that they might not be actual friends if you being poly would alienate them.
I don't agree with this because how you say it is as important as what you say. Specifically if you're like "hi, I'm poly" then you have not taken the time to get to know the person you're talking to at all and it shows. You should allow people to overlap with your interests without necessarily agreeing with all of them and I think you do that by finding what is in common first. That might not be poly. Case by case is safe, I think.
This is a fantastic question. I'm not an expert on the matter, but have had some interesting experiences. My wife and I are just wading into the polyamory world, and are still in discussion phases, yet, the more I talk about it and research the idea, the more I find myself believing that it's not just a common-sense approach to life, but that it may be a cure for human maladies such as warfare and hatred (grandiose I know). The point is that, though on a practical level we're in a situation of convincing our immediate peer groups that we're Ok and that we want to share an important life decision we've made with them, at the end of the day, the more people that start to see love as a larger-than-two proposition, the more people learn how to deal with jealousy and to expand their emotional choices.

I've been having conversations with anyone who will have them with me, and telling many more friends that I love them and generally being more open about my affections for everyone, including intentional eye contact, hugging, etc. Although I don't say to people "I'm exploring polyamory", the upshot is that connecting with people stirs intimacy and vulnerability and that's a potent generator of good will (as long as people don't get uncomfortable). And, those who get it jump right into the conversation and usually at least come to the conclusion that monogamy has huge holes within a few sentences. I rarely have to explain my position, which, is constantly changing anyway. When they ask, I usually say "we're working on it" and they simply keep chatting.
For me it is easier to come out as bi than poly to some people. Some of it is similar though in that if it doesn't come up, I feel weird that the person doesn't know this huge detail about me, but at the same time I also don't want to have to make some big announcement.

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