Not too long ago,  someone contacted me (or I contacted them... can't remember) on OKCupid.  We exchanged email, and then phone numbers, and it seemed like we were getting to know each other well enough to meet.

So, he sends me a message that his girlfriend (I didn't know he had one... and it gives me pause that adults call someone they're involved with a" girlfriend", but anyhow...) might not be able to visit him that weekend because of her husband suddenly deciding he might not be comfortable with the situation.  Mr. Last Minute then invited me to visit, as he was home with no car (his wife and kids were away for the weekend), and a halfway meet was out of the question.

I wrote back that I might be able to visit on X day, but I would have to synchronize my swimming with my partner.  While I was in the process of checking, I get an email stating that Mr. Last Minute "needs this time to get his head together".  He doesn't mention that he's invited me, or apologize for changing his mind at the last minute.  He also states that he will write in full soon.

Soon has now become late.  At this point, I'm not interested.  This has  made me think that if I'm going to meet someone at their home, and they are married or otherwise committed to someone, I want to meet their spouse/partner first.

So... what are your dealbreakers?



Tags: dealbreakers

Views: 17

Replies to This Discussion

Someone being deceptive rearding existing relationships - This goes with lying, which is a mayor dealbreaker for me, as I have little tolerance for duplicitousness.
Someone who does not keep promises or agreements
Bigotry, Lack of curiosity, comfort in ignorance, prejudice... and if I forgot anything, I'll add it later
Yeah, I dealt with someone who directly lied to me and also hid things from me. Defeats the entire purpose of being poly--I'm supposed to not have to worry about what the person is doing behind my back b/c they're supposed to tell me, and then I can relax the rest of the time.
Defeats the entire purpose of being poly-

Absolutely!
I can't stand being lied to, and see one lie as a tip-of-the-iceberg. If they lie about one thing, what else will they lie about?

I was writing someone on another site once upon a time. The correspondence went well, other than he seemed to get too hung up on some of the ironic pet names I have for friends and loved ones.

So, one day, we talk about having a video discussion. I whip out my webcam, and turn everything on... he did not look like his photo. I asked, and found out the photo was 20 years old. I wouldn't have had an issue with his current appearance, but someone who is that insecure that they post that old of a photo is not someone secure enough to hang with me.
I think when couples are a "package deal", that's a pretty big turnoff. It really puts the pressure on. I have nothing against dating a couple if it emerges that way, though.

Having to go through an interrogation session in order to have permission to date someone. Concern about STDs is understandable but I have dealt with people who had ridiculous rules about testing your partner's partner's partners (while also using 100% protection) and it was more about control than anything else.

A lot of other dealbreakers I have are probably more like general dealbreakers, not necessarily related to polyamory.
I think when couples are a "package deal", that's a pretty big turnoff. It really puts the pressure on. I have nothing against dating a couple if it emerges that way, though.


I agree. I prefer to get to know one person at a time... two at once is just too many notes for me.

I have dealt with people who had ridiculous rules about testing your partner's partner's partners (while also using 100% protection) and it was more about control than anything else.

I have wondered about some people's arcane rules surrounding sex. My experience has been more with people who won't get tested, and don't want to use any protection. It would almost be a relief to get involved with someone who wants to get themself laminated before they have sex.

...I think...
I concur with the below and all said (though I am so new at this process, that I haven't had the privilege of interrelating with many of the situations noted).

A question: I find that generally speaking I'm turned off by people who can't seem to deal with their own emotions. That is, I run into a lot of people that I'm attracted to, but wouldn't consider a relationship with b/c I can imagine them having lots of emotional trouble further down the line. Do you think the honesty question is a harbinger of this kind of thing?

As one of my main passions for polyamory is to have more intimate relationships with more people, the question of whether I'm going to have to spend hours working through someone else's baggage seems to nullify the point. What I'm interested in is someone who knows who they are and doesn't tend to dump their negative energy on me (as I try not to do on them). This is especially true since I'm a person who takes negative energy pretty easily, but it just builds up over time.
After being some people's negative-energy bin, I'm so not interested in drainers like that. It turned into a bitching contest and people were fighting over each other for their chance to talk. I despise that.

I don't know if I am able to overcome all my emotions, but I would rather have my own time and space to deal with them or to be emotionally cranky, and when I'm with other people I'd rather have a fun time.

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