Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Angie Jackson on May 22, 2009 at 10:58pm

Sometimes it just helps to have someone acknowledge and recognize our fear - not necessarily agree with it or try to rationalize it away, just to say "Life can be scary sometimes" or "Oh, you're worried about what the kids at school think" (The book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" goes into this a lot more and has been a huge help for me)

Has he been evaluated by a child psychiatrist? I have OCD which can lead to some of the uncontrolled fears you describe, and didn't get a diagnosis till 21. I'm not saying you're son has OCD - most people display certain symptoms of it from time to time, but a relatively small proportion of us actually have the disorder itself interrupting daily life. But a child psychiatrist may be able to give you a better understanding and offer further suggestions. You can research for one in your area with good patient manner. My son has had lots of developmental testing and many of the specialists he's worked with have very comfortable offices, lots of great toys, and administer tests that perform more like play. I'm hoping this passes quickly and that you both come through it stronger and closer.

Permalink Reply by Bill E on May 22, 2009 at 11:56pm

Another endorsement of the book Angie mentions in her post. Acknowledgement goes a long way...

Permalink Reply by Sarah on May 23, 2009 at 12:18pm

I'll third the book above. I've found many concepts I've studied separately are actually related such as, growth vs. fixed mindsets (Mindset by Carol Dweck), rewards and punishments (Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn), and emotionally intelligent parenting (Parent and Child by Haim Ginott). All or any of those address your specific concerns actually.

Permalink Reply by realitychick on May 23, 2009 at 4:38pm

And a fourth for that book. I like Alfie Kohn, too, but I've read only Unconditional Parenting. Anyway, that gets off topic as far as the fears go.

I've read on another list that around this age, many kids go through an "irrational" fear stage, so I think it probably is normal. Like Angie, I have OCD, and I had the most imaginative fears as a child that no amount of rationalizing could take away. What I ended up doing at the time was trying to find things I could control, which sometimes meant making elaborate plans to prepare for the possibility of my fears coming true (psycho killer hiding in closet with knife, I do this; psycho killer hiding in closet with gun, I do this; psycho killer comes through bedroom door instead, I do this, etc.). Can you use this as a chance to work through each scenario with him and discuss all the possibilities, including what he can control and what he can't? Then try to help him focus on what he can control. (And try this without judging any of the scenarios, no matter how unlikely they may seem.) This is good practice for how to deal with anxieties in general, even when there isn't a scientific explanation to apply.

I grew up in a very critical family as well, and this contributed to my fears about what others would think of me. Consider how you model your interactions with people. Not what you say to him or about him, but the cues he might pick up on. Does he see you being overly deferential or anxious about people? Not as a blame thing--kids pick up on the most subtle things sometimes. How about others in your life? My niece picked up on some weird habits from her grandparents of all people.

Good luck. Let us know if anything seems to work.

Melanie

Permalink Reply by HeathenMom on May 30, 2009 at 11:03am

I agree with the above. Would also like to suggest that when he is in school (if you have the time available) volunteer in your son's class from time to time, there are many benefits to this.

I feel for your son, for mine he was the youngest in his class so a bit of a reversal there.