Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dawn K on July 7, 2008 at 10:08pm

I'm still very much a newbie at this freethinker parenting thing but hopefully I can give you a place to start. I don't want to push my beliefs on my children either but I want them to know that it's their choice.

First off you might want to check out Dale McGowan's book Parenting Beyond Belief. You didn't mention how old your child is which might make a difference. One thing that I think helps a lot is to read myths of all kinds. I ask a lot of questions, like "does this make sense to you?" and "Wow! That's a really nice story. Do you think that this could have really happened?". I also try to instill a wonder about the natural world that is completely non-supernatural. I tend to use words that reflect on the evolutionary process without actually getting too detailed and technical.

When he asks about god I always try to approach it by saying "some people believe this...but I believe this...". Beyond that I don't really talk much about Christianity to them. My hope is that by the time it becomes relevant they will already be in the habit of asking questions and won't fall into the trap of blindly believing whatever they are told. I think you are right to focus on teaching critical thinking and there are some resources out there if you search Amazon.

I'll be interested to see what others have to say too since I'm always looking for new ideas.

Permalink Reply by Eli on July 8, 2008 at 1:19pm

Well I'm a married father, fortunate enough to have an agnostic wife who agrees on keeping our daughter's upbringing free from religious influence. It's going to take a certain level of diligence and a lot of effort keeping myself educated so that I have the answers to the questions. Informing your child about the basics of the scientific method and how it is used to extract information from the natural world would be the first step, teach your child the value of critical thinking and I'm sure they'll be able to rationally view the world. That's my plan at least.

Permalink Reply by Ernie on July 8, 2008 at 10:32pm

Thank you both for responding! My son is 18 months so I still have plenty of time and do think about it. I really want to hear from others so I can see what and how other people do it. I'm probably looking into this to far but do worry about how he views the world and think I'd fail if he replaced logic with fairy tales due to the fact that his mother may have more sway over what he believes because she will be around him much more then I will.

Permalink Reply by Sarah on July 9, 2008 at 12:17am

I've got three kiddos, my oldest is seven, then two years and 1 year old. Both my husband and I are atheists so there won't be any conflict but we still want our kids to come to their own beliefs. So far it's been very easy. The best advice I can give is be honest, and encourage them to tell you what they think. Almost every question I get asked is followed by, "What do you think?" I'm never afraid to say I don't know and then suggest we look it up. When my son asks me what I think about something, I tell him the truth and why. My kids don't even know what religion is right now. It's not that they live in a bubble, my son has been to church with our neighbor and he's heard of god, etc. but he also knows about evolution and loves science. He doesn't need superstition to answer his questions. Someday he will ask why others do and I hope I can explain it in such a way that he doesn't get any bias from me.

As far as morals go, as long as you model good morals and ethics, your son will see that you can be a good person without religion. I second the book recommendation, Parenting Beyond Belief.

Permalink Reply by YouCanCallMeBianca on July 17, 2008 at 11:34pm

"what do you think?"

That is EXACTLY how I handle things.

My 7 year old announced a while back that he didn't believe in god. I queried him as to whether he was saying that just because that's what I think... he says "you don't believe in god either??"

I try really hard not to indoctrinate. Though, with my 15 year old, I'm much more open and we discuss things at a level I do not with my seven year old.

Permalink Reply by 5ive on July 9, 2008 at 2:00am

I have found that treating the Abrahamic god in the same manner as you would Thor or Mithras is a good way to let a child know that the abrahamic god is not special, nor should be treated as such. I second all the advice here so far and your pup is still nice and young, so you have awhile.
I think critical thinking (along with empathy) is one of the best things you can teach your children. Get him to question everything. Make sure he gets all sides of a story and let him figure out which one makes more sense.
Also remember religion has to be taught. It does not come naturally, so if you can counter some of the teachings he will get with empirical reality, he should be able to figure things out in a way that keeps him happy. You don't have to tell a kid what to believe to keep them out of religion, just make sure he know what you believe and all the reasons why.

Permalink Reply by Heather Steingruebl on July 9, 2008 at 6:36pm

I really like this approach. My 4 1/2 year old is starting to run into people talking about church and prayer. She also likes to ask questions, and my husband and I are struggling to come up with answers that will satisfy her curiosity without giving religion undue weight.

Kids and magical thinking were mentioned in another thread. I think all of my girl's thinking is magical at this point. It started young, too. She made up a weird ritual thing around Santa when she was 2-it required throwing leaves into the air and leaving offerings of sticks and leaves for the neighbor's garden gnome...

Imagination is great, but it does leave one open to all kinds of interesting ideas. I really dread the day when someone decides to "inform" her about hell or crucifixion or immaculate conception. My kid takes everything to heart, and I anticipate nightmares if I can't preempt some of that.

For the little ones, mythology isn't a great thing to compare because I think those stories would give her nightmares as well. Mostly, what I need is a reasonable answer about religion that's not too much for a 4 1/2 year old. My "some people believe there is a magical person who sees everything and controls everybody's lives," wouldn't do much for her social life.

We can do all of the other leg-work at home, but I really do need a socially acceptable answer to that out in public, loud-in-a-quiet-place question about god. I have a feeling we'll be searching for awhile. Has anyone else found one that works with their munchkin?

Permalink Reply by 5ive on July 10, 2008 at 1:53am

Yeah, the greek myths can be a bit scary.. :) My son liked the monsters part of it when he was younger and my daughter is totally fearless, so I hadn't really thought of it that way.
Unfortunately, your daughter will likely come up against some bigotry by just not attending church. At least this is what it is like where I live. My son was cornered and harassed by 3 other 6 year olds yelling "you WILL believe in Jesus!!" in first grade. A friend of ours at a different school was kicked and punched for saying he didn't believe in god. Fun times! At 10, my son has learned that for now, there is a place and a time for voicing your beliefs, school is not that place just yet (this is NOT how I would want it, but I am working on it). But then, I grew up with agnostic parents and never believed in god and wasn't hassled about it til I was in high school when it was fun to get someone's ire up anyway.
You never know what you will run into, but don't compromise your kid's education out of fears of possible futures. My daughter's friends (she is 6) know full well we don't attend church and don't think god is real, but she is still very popular at school.

Permalink Reply by Dawn K on July 18, 2008 at 5:59am

I've found quite a few myths at my library that are completely appropriate for pre-schoolers. Picture books. I can't remember the name of it but one of the books I found was a collection of creation myths from other non judeo-christian cultures.

I guess my kiddo hasn't asked much about god in public. I'm not sure how I would respond. Probably I'd say something as neutral as I could depending on the question and then tell them we can talk more about it at home. I wouldn't want to get into a long discussion in public but also wouldn't want to brush the question off entirely because I wouldn't want to sent the message that questions are taboo.

Permalink Reply by Darla on July 11, 2008 at 10:35pm

My brother is in the same position...and my 12 year old niece is doing remarkably well at coming to her own ideas. We were just talking about it tonight, as a matter of fact.

Her mom is a fundamentalist in the worst way, and when she was growing up I was really worried about what they were doing to her, but who am I, y'know.

My brother got out of the Army to stay near her and have more of an influence. He never pushed his views on her, but answered all of her questions honestly and let her know she had a mind and she could reason for herself to find what she believes.

So over the years as she has been around us, she sees the difference, and she thinks her mom is kinda flaky and just told me tonight "Sometimes I think there might be a god, and sometimes I don't think there is, but I know one thing, evolution is so cool"

I think she will be fine : ) If your ex can push her views, you can counter it with reason.
Be yourself, love your daughter, and educate her to science and inquiry. I think that is all we can really do.

Permalink Reply by Robert on July 16, 2008 at 7:47pm

I really need to learn to read all responses before answering lol, see below. In case anyone is wondering, I'm the brother. and I didn't know the Beeg Seester was on this site. Just joined today. Great Googily Moogily

Permalink Reply by Robert on July 16, 2008 at 7:42pm

I should have looked further down before flying off on my own tangent I guess. I am in a similar situation, and I am told often that I need to hide my views from my daughter so that she doesn't lose her morals. I do let her know that I am an Atheist and I constantly show her right and wrong, and that she doesn't need a reward from above to act properly. You say you don't want to push your beliefs on him, and I agree. Children should be able to grow into whatever they choose to be as long as there is proper guidance towards doing the right thing. This is of course a gray area based on an individuals idea of what the right thing is. I tell my daughter simply that if it harms another person or impacts them negatively, it is most likely not the action to take. It takes a lot of talking and examples to raise a decent person, but I don't think you need to hide who you are from your son, especially if it doesn't make you out to be a bad person. Judging by the fact that you cared enough to examine your son's best interests, I sure don't think you are.

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