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I refuse to believe in a God who tortures, punishes, and creates bad situations in the name of His love!
I got sick again last week, and I struggled once again with old tapes in my head saying, "This is what you get for feeling good. This is what happens when you m*t*rb*te. This is what happens when you have s*x without getting pregnant." and so on.
This time, I refuse to listen.
It's cr*p!
I heard another voice in my head that said, "God doesnt 'give you more than you can handle."
Well, if there is a God, he sure as heck gave me almost more that I could tolerate this summer.
I talked back to that voice. I said, "God, if you are indeed giving all this cr*p, such as my toothache, my female health problems, my flu, etc., this will NEVER make me believe in you let alone love you! I defy you! I hate you. You s***! If you are doing these things to me because you love me, this is NOT love! It's torture!"
I felt better talking back.
Oh, and I said, "Go ahead and punish me, God! It will NEVER win me over."
I am talking back to the brainwashing.
Jencarlene
This time, I refuse to listen.
It's cr*p!
I heard another voice in my head that said, "God doesnt 'give you more than you can handle."
Well, if there is a God, he sure as heck gave me almost more that I could tolerate this summer.
I talked back to that voice. I said, "God, if you are indeed giving all this cr*p, such as my toothache, my female health problems, my flu, etc., this will NEVER make me believe in you let alone love you! I defy you! I hate you. You s***! If you are doing these things to me because you love me, this is NOT love! It's torture!"
I felt better talking back.
Oh, and I said, "Go ahead and punish me, God! It will NEVER win me over."
I am talking back to the brainwashing.
Jencarlene
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Franklin Bacon on -
"God" concepts include so many "what ifs" that I would be confused if I ever tried. Which god concept did you choose, or did you pick a pretty ecumenical one? My family didn't have any traditional belief that I know of, so it wouldn't be the god of my fathers, just the random one of the fundamentalist church I fell to as a result of being in the neighborhood.
I could never get a handle on the concept that our church had the only true god...it just never stuck. -
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Permalink Reply by Phillip Borders on -
Jencarlene- god will answer you the same way whether you pray for help, health or whether you swear at him. he won't answer since he is not there. So, I recommend you yell, scream, rant, rave, swear at him, the concept of him and the lies that others taught you. There are reasons to feel resentful, angry and spiritually abused. There are no reasons to feel ashamed or fearful of rebuke.
Most of us have been where you are, feel what you feel, yell like you yelled.
You are not alone. -
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Permalink Reply by Paula T. on -
Wow, Jencarlene, it sounds like you had some heavy duty religious rules placed on you during your formative years. What I grew up with wasn't that tyrannical, but the lasting affects are still there. Feeling like your every thought or action is scrutinized by someone you can't see, but is all powerful and will punish you is crippling for young impressionable children. Just like the "lessons" you were taught. It can take a long time to turn off the tapes that play in your head, but you've taken a big step in talking back and not listening. Keep talking, trust your feelings, and believe in yourself!! :)
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Permalink Reply by Jen E. on -
thank you everyone for your supportive replies.
September 7 was my birthday and now I feel like I got the birthday love I really needed this year.
Loss of community stinks. I celebrated my bd alone and got no cards, except for one from my roommate.
When my bf and best friend are over their own flu's, they will send me their cards, as well.
I truly wondered again if there was a God who hated me---making me sick on my f ing bday!
Good grief.
No, "He"s not there.
Just the brainwashing.
Jencarlene -
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Permalink Reply by Paula T. on
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Happy Birthday, Jencarlene!! {{{hugs}}}
There is no god who hates you. that is one of the ridiculous aspects of religion. We are told we must love god, yet we must fear him. What kind of 'being' wants a relationship like that?? Huge ego for us to feed with our fear of him/it?? Put that thought out of your mind!! Feel better and try to begin to turn off the old tapes and create news ones. It's an ongoing process and the old tapes will try to surface. You're strong and you can quiet them :) -
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Permalink Reply by Phillip Borders on
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Jencarlene- HAPPYHAPPY HAPPY DAY( 3 days late). Paula said it well. The tapes get quieter. Stay around those who support you, build you up and not tear you down....like us. :=)
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