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Comment by Chris Breman on February 6, 2013 at 12:57am

You're right Patricia, not to start a fight again and not to force yourself into something you aren't. Some things just cannot be patched. Take comfort in honest things and honest people.

My father sent me an invitation a short time before he died, for a happy family-show, to cover up that he had broken the family. I threw it away.

Comment by Joan Denoo on February 6, 2013 at 12:02am

Patricia, Happy belated birthday greetings ... I just now am opening my mail.
Your wounds run so deeply, and have such a long history, I can understand being confused by your mother's card and request for forgiveness. That is a lot to ask for. She undoubtedly is feeling her mortality, and her neglect of you as a loving, caring mother. When you needed her love and support and not have it hurts. I wish you could tell her how you feel especially when you needed her during cancer recovery. That won't change anything, but at least you will have had the chance to say, honestly, what you needed and missed from her. She might not be able to hear your words or recognize your feelings, but to be able to speak your truth, not to hurt her, but to let her know your thoughts may be healing for both of you. That is a judgment call you can make and either way makes sense to me.
There is much care, compassion, and just plain loveliness here on this site; this is a good place to renew and refresh.

Comment by Patricia on February 5, 2013 at 11:13pm

I am grateful to have you guys to belly-ache to.

I don't know yet what I'm feeling, so don't know what feels ''right'' yet either.

I know a close relationship will never happen & I do know I don't want that anyway. It was never close when we did get along.

Whatever comes along cannot involve anything about the past as I can't keep opening old wounds so it will have to be the here & now with a distant cool surface thing.

Mother never called even once to see how I was during my cancer treatments, so it shows just how important I am to her.

They weren't mean to me as such, just mostly cold & indifferent.

I can't help but notice the apology came after ''dear ol' father'' died, & when that happened, I had to hear it from my daughter, as mother couldn't call herself. Certainly shed no tears over it.

I thanked her for the apology, but said NOTHING about ''forgiving''.....why should I let her think all is hunky dory?

Oh well time will tell I guess.

Comment by Lillie on February 5, 2013 at 10:27pm

My mother is deceased which is a great relief to me as Melinda said about her grandmother.  However, I have been able to have some compassion for her now because I have had so many valuable opportunities to heal and move forward which she never had.  I like the idea that we can choose our families now and not stay stuck in harmful situations.  I have an older female friend who is like a mother figure to me.  She is so positive and loving that I feel only uplifted when in her presence.

Comment by Ian Mason on February 5, 2013 at 2:16pm

Happy birthday Patricia.

It does seem a bit late, the apology and the contact. Intimations of mortality? What you do is up to you,of course.

My brother and me resumed contact with our mother after a hiatus of 20 years, hoping for some explanations of what happened leading up to/around the divorce from our father. That didn't happen but we've stayed in touch out of a sense of duty. It hasn't been easy but we've felt compelled to "do the decent thing". If that's right or wrong I couldn't say.

Your view that there can only be an aquaintanceship between you sounds sensible. Distant and polite/amiable could be the best solution. Just mull things over and find out what is best for you.

Comment by booklover on February 5, 2013 at 1:33pm

Happy Belated Birthday Patricia!  All I can say is to do what feels right to you.  You have no obligation to let her off the hook if you don't want to.  My Grandma was horrible to my Mother her whole life.  My Mom felt nothing when she died.  It was actually a relief to all of us.  What a legacy to leave.  If you decide you don't want anything to do with her, that does not make you a jerk! It's all up to you!  We're here to listen if you need to talk more about it!~ Melinda

Comment by Patricia on February 5, 2013 at 1:24pm

Thought I'd run this by you guys.......My 66th birthday was last Tuesday & I got rather a shock.

I got a card with an apology for her mistakes & a request for forgiveness from mother after over 7 years of dead silence.

I didn't know how to react as I don't feel much of anything anymore. Too little, too late comes to mind, after all the cold, unloving years I grew up with.

The relationship was never good but we managed to get along until I told her off for dumping me over some grudge father (died a couple of years ago,) had against my husband. That was kind of the final straw.

I sent her a note of thanks, & telling her to feel free to write or email if she has a computer, but I don't think a relationship of anything more than acquaintanceship can be developed.

I realized a long time ago that I don't love her, & I don't even like this woman, but I also don't want to be a jerk as they were. I live in BC, & she lives in California so it's not like ''bosom buddies'' is in the cards......which would never occur anyway. Warm & fuzzy is not me, & most definitely not her. 

Comment by booklover on February 5, 2013 at 9:25am

Comment by booklover on February 5, 2013 at 9:24am

That is great Ian!  Have a fun time! :)

Comment by Ian Mason on February 5, 2013 at 12:32am

Thanks, Joan. I'm sure she's turned out pretty much all right - despite being a conservative in economic politics - and will make good choices in life. We're going out to lunch and to see "Tosca" on Saturday and I'm looking forward to that.

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