I have a situation in my life that is not something I have control over or even contributed to very much.  I just have to let go of these relationships and any hope the people involved will ever become mentally well, because it has become clear to me it's just not going to happen. 

 

I have tried for years to help these people, when that didn't work and they became too toxic to even deal with, I walked away and stopped talking to them entirely, but I always secretly in my heart held onto the hope they would get better.  Recently, it's come to my attention that they are more far gone into mental illness than I thought and perhaps they are happy consumed by bitterness, hatred and the need for repeated revenge on people they already got revenge on for minor perceived slights over things that happened well over 20 or more years ago. 

 

I am sad they will never get well and that they don't even consider themselves sick.  I have to let these people go just as if they had died just like my dad.  I love them, but they're not going to change and I just have to let go, so I can move on and be at peace with the fact that recovery is not going to happen.  I let go of the relationships long ago, but now I have to let go of my hope too, because it's not realistic. 

 

People of faith have all sorts of tricks to let go and forgive and just put things into the past.  But how does a person do this without religion? 

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Hi Grace, I'm sorry to hear your story - I think the best way to deal with such situations is to talk about it and address it with as much rational logic as you can. Understanding human nature and the way the brain works and also moral feelings of guilt etc, are really useful to help you in understanding what's going on in situations.

Some people are jealous in their personality etc - and you can't change that - some who have this strong trait will find ways to deal best with it, and others won't etc - it's a luck of the draw in a sense if you understand the laws of determination and causality.

You sound as though you have a lot of guilt about your situation. Which is contributing in a bad way IMO, because really you didn't have the ability to be responsible for others from the age of 11 - but you were put in that role, and children will take on adult roles with the same moral feelings as an adult - yet they lack so many other skills - such as the choice to have the child in the first place - as a basic first example.

It's really about rethinking through the whole situation - and I think mostly coming to understanding that you haven't caused this persons life to be the way it is - you know this intellectually, but you haven't let go emotionally from that idea. To really belief something body and soul - so to speak - with the mind and the emotions - you need to have some sort of water shed - I'm not sure how you'd do it - you'll know when it's happened - it might be that someone tells you the truth of it - and you start to cry and realise it emotionally as well as mentally.

I know many who hold onto grudges towards parents and siblings about things that are long forgotten by others.

It might well be that alcohol or drugs are a factor here - but not necessarily so. It is possible that your sibling has used you as a scape goat for their problems for years - the patterning set up as a child and then continued without being broken. Once they attributed you as the fault of all their problems it's an exponential track that becomes very difficult to change. They may have a very strong belief system based on their initial patterning with you as their primary carer - which at the time was a role you took very seriously - but as a child and sibling you couldn't have done it with the ability of a parent.

I think the key is to keep talking about it - and again aim to think of it in terms of human psychology and how you think events might have taken place to leave such an outcome.

I think they are both narcissists.  I have had lots of fights with both of them over drinking and drugs.  They aren't going to change.  I think when my other parent dies, I'll just let my sibling have it.  I was hoping to get my yearbooks, photos and diplomas back which my parent refuses to return even though I've asked many times.  In my parent's horded house they're probably covered in cat poop anyway.  My parent hates my guts anyway and blames all her life's problems from birth on me and she sent me a letter just six months ago to tell me so in case I'd forgotten. 

 

I told my parent that I loved very much that I always loved them that I would always love them through a relative and her response was that letter.  If she dies tomorrow, I am at peace that I let her know my feelings. 

I suppose it's hard not to take those situations personally - especially when it's your parents involved.

 

I suppose it's natural to want to have a reason - but I think also things are best kept simple and taken on face value.  They don't like you, they blame you for things that have gone wrong in their lives, and they don't want to share anything with you whether it's yours or not.  What can you do?  Like you said - it's best to just let go of it all now - including hope.

 

Unless there is more that you are not saying - I'm sure you must feel a lot of pain and hurt over all this.  Deciding the shut the door on it all - might help to let go of the grief also.  But I'm sure in such a personal situation it could take a long time to get over.  I think the main thing is that you have loving support now from others.  If you don't have this - I'm not sure how you're to get through it.  Internet friends are good - but can't really be there in a way that partners and physical friends can be.

I bought a new college diploma this spring.  I haven't decided if I will get another HS diploma.  It's not like graduating HS was the highlight of my life.  It would be nice to get my yearbooks back, but I've lived without them this long.  I felt so bad the property was so damaged it sold for almost $100,000 less than it was worth when dad was alive.  My family could have used the money, but since it was never ours to begin with, it's not like it was an actual loss.  Dad would be so disappointed in this behavior, but it's not like my sibling ever cared what Dad thought anyway. 

 

I do have some family that did not side with my sibling and my parent.  So I am not familyless.  I have my dh and my children and I'm making new acquaintances in my new home.  I have some old friends around and if they bother to have a class reunion, I'll see them sometime this summer.  My class was never one of those classes who had to run together in a big pack. 

 

thanks everyone.  I am feeling a lot better today.  My uncle came to visit me for a short while and that was nice. 

Hi Grace, emotions do go up and down from day to day - I think most times we have emotions and then look back in retrospect in an effort to work out why we had them.  I reckon most of our bad feelings come from our really basic needs for food and sleep - and when we've had a good meal and a good nights sleep we all feel much better - and all the other stuff we think is going on is just a side track.  Not to minimise your recent experience.  It is tough accepting things that go back a long way and are hurtful.  But really there is so little we have actual control of in life - including our own emotions.  I heard a saying once that I really like - we all need someone to love, something to do and something to look forward too.  I find that it's a good thing to remember if things are going as well as I'd like.  If you've got one of each of those 3 things in your life - along with your basic needs met - food, sleep, shelter etc - you're set.
You're right.  I did have trouble sleeping for a few days, because, my gosh that's a lot of money.  Just to throw away in an angry tantrum.

How are you going with your letting go?

 

What about determinism and causality?  Do you totally get that things couldn't have happened any other way?  Everything that happened was fully caused to happen in the way that it did - and therefore no one could have done anything differently, because we are all fully caused to do what we do according to our genetics, environment and order of events.

 

It's tough accepting that stuff happens, but when we know that it couldn't have happened any other way, we are left only to simply accept that it did happen and move on as best we can :)

It could have been different if one person had been a normal human being, but that person wasn't, so this is what I am stuck with.  After this is over, I'm going to try very hard to put both these people out of my mind for good.  I'm not sure how to do it, but I will.

I lost a baby a couple of years ago.  The day it happened, I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.  I got the number of a support group and called a counsellor.  She was really good, and told me that although I would never forget, the pain would lessen with time.  At the time I thought my life was over and I would never feel OK again.  Now over 3 years later I have a just about normal life again.  I will always remember him with love and saddness at the life he lost - but it doesn't now dominate my every moment.

 

I think that is the nature of grief.  Given time, things will get better and it will be more easy to accept what has happened and know that it couldn't have been any other way.  And that's OK.  And now you must life the best life you can with circumstances how they are - not how you would like them to be. :)

I wanted to do some updates on my house and now I won't be able to them which is a disappointment.   Oh well.  I keep remembering in college I had a boyfriend whom I thought was the greatest, but he wasn't.  I was heartbroken at the time. but now I barely ever give him a thought every few years.  I know the best way to deal with people who have hurt you is to make sure they stop hurting you by not thinking about them too much. 

 

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby.  I have had several miscarriages myself and it is tough.  *hugs* 

It will take time to recover - but you will recover :)

There is a wonderful booked titled, "Forgive for Good".  It was written by Dr. Frederic Luskin and really helped me at a time when I needed to forgive someone.  I'm not sure if this is the whole book, but he has a lot of resources online that might help.  You can find them at: http://learningtoforgive.com/

 

What impressed me the most about his work and research was that he was able to get mothers to forgive other mothers when their children killed each other.  The whole system made sense to me, and I hope it works for you.

 

Also, the easiest way for me to forgive someone has been to compare what they did wrong to something I've done wrong.  We all make mistakes... it's part of being human, and for me to connect what others have done to what I have done has helped me find compassion and empathy.  I hope this works for you!

 

Wishing you the very best.

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